The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When my A relapsed I was faced with how I had allowed my disease to again become out of control. I saw how deeply enmeshed I was with him and how I did not even have my own identity. This was devestating, but also an awakening for me. It allowed me to see that I am at a point in my life where I need to really 'Man up' and Suit up and Show Up for life. I feel so grateful to have a program and to have OTHERS who can relate and who also understand that feeling of being defective, less than and marinating in fear. I know I'm not alone and for that I am SO SO SO grateful.
When my A come home from detox, I asserted that I needed space. I actually didn't quite know what that meant or what it would look like, I just knew I couldn't fall back into the horribly codependent and sick patterns we had been in prior to his relapse. So, I kept my space from him. I said I would do 90 in 90 FOR ME, because it kept me in the rooms and in my program, because that is what I need right now. I want to reclaim my life, by whatever means.
A few days later he told me he was uncomfortable around me and that he didn't know how to act. He was right. Things were different now that we were no longer feeding into the other's illness and insecurities and lack of self esteem and FILLING the emptiness within each of us. He told me he wasn't sure whether or not he could continue to live in the house if I was going to be like this. For me, my disease- all I heard was abandonment and rejection. I had that moment of sheer and total panic when the logic of taking care of myself completely fell away and ALL I had was that feral feeling of being left in the cold and rejected.
I had to pull on the reins and reassess my needs. I talked to a program peep who helped me arrange my feelings and thoughts and see that I was asking for space because that was what I needed to learn to get well, to make my baby steps to trying to recover. I needed to do that to focus on me because I KNOW that focusing on him and what he is doing is a diversion to the REAL issue at hand, my emptiness and my lack of self love, honor and respect.
So I was scared but I said I would stand by my feelings and my needs. He actually respected them and accepted it. Now, it's kind of strange. I'm facing all my fears of doing things alone and of abandonment. I try to prevent myself from being distracted - from filling my gaping hole with him and his problems and allowing ME to fill it up with recovery, Alanon and myself. It's really all about me. I can't be healthy in a relationship unless I know who I am outside the relationship. In the beginning I was so terrified of being trapped. I realized so much of my self hate and insanity was perpetuated by believing that someone's love could "Save" me and expecting someone else to change to suit my needs and my desires. I believe there is freedom in loving others for who they are and allowing them to own their life. I don't want my identity to be wrapped up in or defined by someone else. That's not safe for me.
So I'm trying to do things differently and not freak out whether they are GOOD or BAD but just see them as different respones. This place is rarely comfortable. I was grateful to read another post sharing about fear and isolation because I find solace in isolating - not putting myself out there to be rejected or judged by another person. So afraid they will "Figure me out" And see how damaged and defective and flawed I am. I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to heal!!! Thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Wednesday 21st of October 2009 01:44:19 PM
when I was with the ex A one of my greatest fears was abandonment and isolation. The issue was for me I was abandoning me. There is no question the ex A abandoned me, he also absolutely abandoned himself (I did not see that part in the equation).
I am so glad you are taking care of yourself and immersing yourself in the program. One day at a time.
What a great post, and such real truth and growth in your recovery.... It's funny, we keep going back to our (sick) A's for validation and rational reasoning, and then seem genuinely surprised when they can't provide it! Typically, A's don't like change - any of it... it scares the heck out of them when they see us working on ourselves, and often want desperately for us to stop, so that they can remain where they are.....
The best thing about choosing recovery for ourselves, is we are ahead of the game, no matter what the A chooses to do.... Sometimes they also choose recovery, and that's awesome, & we are in a much better state to deal with all that brings...... Sometimes they choose to remain in their addiction, & we learn to deal with that in our own way as well....
Take care of you
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Grrrr.... so I went back and read my first post and it shines with progress. I'm feeling stuck NOW.
I had a lapse last night. Maybe not an all out relapse but, back into my old clingy, needy and "don't leave me" ways.
Last night I did some things I wasnt proud of. I indulged in the insecure, needy child. My vision and perception of the world shrank and I regressed to my youth where the only thing I could do was plead for love and attention because my survival depended on it. For the past few weeks I have been distancing myself from my bf to get my own space. My attitude towards him goes up and down but, I try to keep it friendly, nothing more or less. We agreed to live together and that he would give me the time that I needed to try to figure things out. I dont know that I have been seeking a YES or NO answer, but more so of just having the time and space to face my codependent characteristics. I so badly wanted to jump head first back into the the relationship and bury all my issues within in, but know that is not the answer and does nothing but prolong denial and further pain. He is detached now. The minute I recognized his detachment I saw the lack of emotions as precursor to abandonment and I went wild, hysterically crying. This time I even wailed that he was abandoning me and how could he do this. My very survival emotionally at that moment depended on him and his willingness to accept or reject me. The rejection feels almost unbearable, as though I would break.
So I wake up this morning feeling shame from my reaction, trying to be kind to myself and remind myself it's ok to have a slip. I suppose maybe I can't expect this living arrangement to play out the way I want it. I have to allow the other person their say in the matter.
The truth was I haven't been punishing my bf, just trying to take time for me. It has not been easy at all. But I am disturbed I guess by this complete visceral reaction to his attitude towards me - m yheart started pounding and I felt the crazies creep back in. It took me nearly an hour to get a grip. Has anyone else experienced this??
