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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally, after years of being lied to, deceived, mentally and emotionally abused, separated from my alcoholic drug-addict husband. He has not seen or called me or our four-year-old son in over three months.
He was recently arrested and subsequently fired for stealing from his Loss Prevention job at K-Mart - I guess that makes him the original oxymoron "the Loss Prevention shoplifter". Yesterday was his arraignment and I went to see if he was actually alive, I sat in the back of the courtroom and watched him (with his new girlfriend) lie to the judge.
I came home and in the mail was a letter from him, offering to make amends and requesting to see our son on my terms whatever they may be. My blood pressure is off the charts and I cannot bring myself to let him anywhere near the child he took with him on a two-day bender while I had the police in two states looking for him.
I am sure some of my anger stems from after giving him a car so he could get to work and have a way to see our son, he no calls and no shows for visits until he finally stopped coming around all together, he gets fired from his job for stealing, doesn't play child support and he has a new girlfriend who helped him steal $3,000 from me.
I have to do so much damage control when I was left to deal with the disappointment that my son felt when his father never showed for visits, didn't return his calls and missed his birthday. I cannot relive that and watch my son be hurt again. Every cell in my body is telling me that this man has not changed and he will only reap more pain and anguish on us. I do not think that he has hit his bottom nor do I think that this is any thing more than a moment of nostalgia from him looking at our wedding photos.
If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it, because I think I am so hurt and angry as well as too close to think about this objectively.
Thank you giving me this wonderful place to share.
They sure don't change unless they get into recovery -- except that things get worse. We're the only ones we can change. That part is good news!
I'm so sorry to hear everything you've been through. No wonder you're overwhelmed with fury and disappointment. Anyone would be.
I don't know what your custody arrangement is, but I hope you have or will have it decided by the court that he can only see his son under supervision and for very limited times. If it's not set up this way yet, get a lawyer or Legal Aid and get it amended. You want every protection you have coming to you.
At four, kids are eager to believe what you tell them, so when visitation time comes, I might offer some alternatives -- "At four o'clock we might go to the toy store just to look, or we might see your dad..." Then if dad doesn't show up, there's still a reason to be happy, not a reason to think the day is ruined. (And my own feeling is that if he doesn't show up on time or nearly, there's no need to wait around.) Of course everyone has a different solution, but that's the kind of thing that's worked for me.
That still leaves you with your feelings. The more we can move ahead and make a good life for ourselves, the more we can leave those feelings behind. But basically the whole thing is outrageous. I also know that impulse to look them up online, or go somewhere where we can glimpse them, etc. -- it's like touching the stove again: "Is it still hot?" Yep, we still get burnt. Ouch! Please take care of yourself. And keep coming back.
The truth that Mattie mention is just that...It is ourselves that we learn how to change because we cannot change them and they will only change when they realize they have to and then want to and still then that has nothing to do with us. If they do it for us...that's the wrong reason. If they do it for themselves they are doing what is real and what will work. The strongest relationship even does not become the one we have with the alcoholic/addict. The strongest relationship must be between them and a power greater than anything else including our wants, needs and desires. It was a wakeup call for me when my alcoholic got sober. She did that after a 3 year separation and she did it for herself in a very powerful way...more powerful than my own journey into recovery. That is the way it is supposed to be...Life isn't all about me at all. I am just a spectator with a participation all my own...."What works for me."
Keep coming back. You can find change here and in the face to face groups of the Al-Anon Family Groups.
Yes they can change , with recovery anyone can , but your concern about your son is real he has proven he cannot be trusted with him . You could ask for court appointed supervised visitation - your son will be safe if hubby shows up drunk or high he will not be able to see his son .
This might sound too simple, if you change, he will have to change also. He will have react differently to your new ways of thinking, talking, and behavior. That is if he chooses to be around you and your child at all.
I was able to write my husband back and remind him that as parents, we put our childrens needs in front of our own and lead selfless lives to make sure that we provide a better life for them than we had and that he needs to learn to take care of himself before he can be a parent.
Since we do not have a court mandated visitation schedule, I told him that our son was happy now and finally over all the hurt and disappointments of the no shows and no calls and that we needed to protect him from further pain.
I told him that I hope he discovers his higher power that will finally help him find sobriety, peace and serenity. Also, when he is better, his legal problems are behind him and we have had an opportunity to work out some of our issues, we can discuss our son and what is best for him because he is worth getting and staying clean and sober for.
I included the quote:
I will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change.
Then my hopes that he finds his way for his own sake.
I don't think I could have been as calms and focused on the message I was able to communicate without all your kind and supportive words.
-- Edited by akristab on Thursday 22nd of October 2009 07:42:42 PM
-- Edited by akristab on Friday 23rd of October 2009 01:40:32 PM
doesnt it seem strange that he seems to care enough to try and work something out, but he cant get better for the sake of his child...
i cant offer any advise in the custody arrangement, but i can tell you that we all care about you and know where you are coming from. we have been hurt too. and if all i can offer is a E-hug, then thats what i will give.
*HUG!* youre an amazing person, never forget that. ill keep you in my thoughts
__________________
sticking feathers up your butt doesnt make you a chicken.
