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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Dealing wit Fears and Anxiety.........Any ESH appreciated....
Post Info TOPIC: Dealing wit Fears and Anxiety.........Any ESH appreciated....
shellyj123


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Dealing wit Fears and Anxiety.........Any ESH appreciated....
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Even in the midst of the health uncertainty, things have been going well for me.  I am slowly finding my way in the insanity of alchoholism and am seeing the serenity at the end of the tunnel.  I'm working my program the best that I can, though I know I could do more/better (the perfectionist in me), I am happy with what I am doing.  It's a simple program but it isn't always easy.  Changing ones thought processes and attitudes and views after a lifetime is and will be an ongoing journey.  I know it will be a part of my life throughout the rest of it, another reason I am happy with working the program the best that I can right now........not perfect-just my best for now:)

I had another date last weekend, with the new gentleman I met and things are going well, very well.  Not because of anything he has done or not done, but because of how I am looking at things THIS time around.  I've set boundaries and he has been understanding of those.  I finally told him about my program.  He did not ask, even though I mentioned going to meetings, etc.  And when I asked him why, he simply replied that he did not want to pry and felt I would tell him when I was ready-and I did.  Though we are merely dating for now, and I don't know everything about him, what I do know/feel is that nothing about this "experience" feels toxic, and it resembles nothing I had with the EXABF.  That being said it is fun in a different non obsessive kind of way.  It doesn't consume my life or everythought (though that takes practice on my codie part)

My dilema is this.....this Sat night he invited me to a Halloween festivity at his brother's house (yikes family!)  Now the old me before AlAnon would have found 20 reasons not to go, or canceled at the last minute and ran away to isolate.  The new me knows that that behavior is insane and doesn't work and prevents me from living and having new experiences.  I want to go with him and spend some time doing what he wants (as the past 3 dates I have picked what we did) I want to practice compromising, etc and learn how to function in a normal dating "experience" BUT the old me and the new me still both suffer from incredible anxiety.  I've taken medication for it for years off and on, and though I have decreased it drastically since AlAnon, I still take it.   

I'm not sure why I fear social situations sooo much or meeting new people (but AlAnon has helped that drastically too) but I do.  This may sound crazy but I always feel like all eyes are on me, like every move I make is being monitored or scrutinized, and I'm constantly thinkging "do I fit in?" "am I good enough to be here?" etc....Crazy thoughts like those..I literally make myself nuts.

I want to do this.  I need to do this.  But I'm not sure how or the BEST WAY to do this.....Has anyone ever felt like this before?  Any ESH would be appreciated as always....

Keeping it simple
Shelly



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Only God can turn a mess into a message.

Prayin' on it, Stayin' on it, I will survive it.

If nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes.
hotrod


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Hi Shelly
 
Yes I have felt very much like that before alanon days.  Run away, isolate, worry about fitting in plaque me for many years. You have the awareness now that is half the battle.  Running away and isolating is destructive and does not work to build a constructive life
 
 I discovered that attending alanon meetings., speaking at meetings, making Tel calls, connecting with new comers all helped restore my self esteem enough that I could go out with strangers and be comfortable.
 
  I just told myself go out to the social gathering and pretend it is a meeting.  Show up, do not project, focus on yourself, treat everyone with courtesy and respect and if you start to feel anxious or uncomfortable leave.  It worked. 
 
You sound as if you have turned a huge corner and I am happy about your new relationship. 

Thanks for sharing your recovery.
 


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Betty

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Mattie


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Yep, that sounds familiar!  A therapist I once had called it "doing dread."  She had me keep track of how nervous I was beforehand and how many times my apprehension of having a terrible time came true.  I was astonished to notice that often I did have an okay time, sometimes even a good time.  Sometimes, of course, it was awkward.  I guess that's where the slogan "What other people think of you is none of your business" comes in.  Sometimes I also gave myself assignments, like "Initiate conversation with one person."  Then I could deem myself "successful" rather than guessing that other people found me defective and blaming myself for it.

Whatever you decide, it sounds like a real step to be so aware of past patterns and present feelings.  We should all be so aware!

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Christy


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Shelly,

You don't need to fit in, just be you and have a good time.  Push through because it's not real and conquer yet another fear based illusion. 
You didn't say if it was a costume party or not...but I had to giggle about you fitting in with Frankenstiens, monsters and ghosts  biggrin

Christy

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Jozie


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(((((((((((((((SHELLY))))))))))))))))))

I love ya girl but this is too funny to me... For I once stood in those Very Shoes when I met and Married my Husband :P ...

See he has this Family that is COMPLETELY the Opposite of mine, so when I come in being the MUCH Younger Girlfriend, I felt like one of them was goin to Call me out for something... When I met His Mom... WOW... Intemidating, BUT... I can also tell ya this... THOSE People... His Family, My Family ..... From the Oldest to the Youngest, I have found them to be one of the MANY Things I charish Everyday of My Life... They all became my friends, and Sister, & brothers over time, a time I thought would Never Come..

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, nothing to feel guilty over or for, No reason why they are not just goin to Love You... I know We are not to speak of "You" But "I"... But you grew up, ALOT of your life, Isolated from Making New Friends... I Know... Took me a while to Creep in myself :D ... Everywere you go in this world, don't matter, there is goin to be Wonderful People, Rude People, Loving People, judgemental people, and the list goes on...

You landed in this program because you wanted differant, you want change...Progress Not Profection... And Meetin the Family doesn't "Tie You" to Nothing more, then a night out, to mingle and have adult conversation, amoung what I hope for you to be, New Friends... Leave Judgement at the door step, and enter with an Open Mind... You'll be just fine...

After all... I hear the one takin care of you Boy that night is Pretty Awesome, :D So No Worries there for the night... :D

Love Ya Girl :) You'll Do Just Fine... Besides :If Nothing Ever Changes.... NOTHING Ever Changes... :) You got this girl...

Love & Prayers pray.gif

Jozie

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glad lee


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I included my low self-image on my inventory, in step 4.

It's all ego. An inferiority complex is no better than a superiority complex, it's all part of "easing God out." It is not how my HP wants me to be. It's part of the dis-ease, and my HP wants me to be at ease.

My ESH, is to work steps 4, 5, 6 and 7.

And if.... you still feel uncomfortable about going, because just for today, that's what it is, I suggest not doing the people-pleasing thing. Don't put yourself through it to make someone else happy. 

Another option is to go, and just have a get-away plan, if necessary.

Take care of yourself, whatever that looks like.


-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 21st of October 2009 10:59:53 AM

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RunnerChick


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I am SO grateful to read this post, not because of the anxiety but to know I'm not alone.
I, too, suffer from acute anxiety and isolation.
I've been seeing how BIG my isolation is and how it is hurting me and keeping me stuck in my own self-obsession - of believing I am THAT awful that no one would want to get close to me emotionally or physically.

Accepting me and where I am at and being kind to my inner child- the scared part of me that just years for and pleads for acceptance, is what is helping me face new situations and walk through the fear.
Today I imagine taking the little me by the hand and gentle leading me through scary situations, reminding me that it's OK. I've been sick for a long time and living dysfunctionally, it's going to take AWHILE for me to adjust to socializing. But it can be done - Ijust need to be kind and patient with myself.


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alanonicScotland


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When I ventue into scary territory, albeit family gatherings, parties, whatever - I put together a safety net. I can always sneak away fro a program call on my mobile, I can make a list of meetings nearby, if available. I can ask a program friend to come pick me up if I need to go. I can invite a program friend along for the ride. Most important: I can say no.

If there's something keeping me from a particular situation, sometimes I know it's my HP trying to tell me something. If not, I have tools to help me get there.

take what you like...

peace

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jpmger


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There is a really good 12 Step program for overcoming Social Anxiety problems-- it's called Social Anxiety Anonymous, it's been a truly great help to me.

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