The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted to this site in over 6 months, I'm sure. It saved me from a lot of heartache when I needed it most, and I have thought about everyone on here every day, ever since.
I mostly stopped posting bc I was healing nicely. The ex and I stopped communicating all together and when we had to (we own a house together-- though he pays nothing), I was able to recover from the conversations quickly and without feeling sick or pain.
In May, I began dating someone new. It turned into a loving and caring relationship, fast. He moved in quickly-- mostly bc he was already with me so much and also bc it felt right. He's been living with me for three months now. Things are great! I love him very much and we have a great relationship.
However, (you saw that coming, right?!), I am feeling things that I should not feel thanks to the experiences I had with my ex who would drink and then be mean or would drink, fight with me (always verbal), and threatened to go (if only he had!), etc. These things have scarred me, in a way, I am learning. Now, if I have a conflict with my new boyfriend, I instantly close up and imagine that he'll go (mind you, the other one never left for real-- but he'd leave for a night or two and use my anger as an excuse). I find myself terrified of conflict. When the new boyfriend and I have had conflict, they are small-- very brief-- and never escalate. Yet I am still afraid that he will storm out and leave. I have shared this and my history with him and he promises that he would never behave that way.
The bottom line is, I am afraid that I am going to get burned again. I have NO reason to feel this way. This man is absolutely crazy about me and about what we have together. Still, I feel like this is just a phase and just like the last one, he'll soon be bored and eventually out the door (which, AGAIN, is a good thing looking back, but scared me like hell before!).
I find myself shutting down easily with the new guy. If we have a disagreement, I clam up and want to just be alone-- I imagine things becoming awful and him leaving and blaming me for why he had to go. Again-- I have NO reason to feel this way bc he has never given me reason. The only reason I have is bc of my past experience!
Needless to say, I am frustrated. It's an isolating feeling-- I shut down, want nothing to do with anything, want to avoid work, social things, anything that involves others. It's just awful.
Anyone relate to this craziness??? Oh, and out of nowhere today the ex emailed to say that he doesn't have a car or license but he'll figure out a way to get to me to sign some papers (regarding the house). Didn't tell me why... is it fair to assume it's bc he got a DUI??
Thanks for any and all your thoughts! Hope everyone can find some peace.
Boy can I relate!!! Specially the part about isolating. I has a fight with my husband yesterday and the thought of calling in sick crossed my mind. It's normal to go into shut down in times of crisis, for us. It's all part of the old habits we have to break. It's part of the healing.
I see it as having post traumatic stress disorder. It sounds crazy, but that's the way I feel. When I feel treathend by the situation I go into crisis or "war" mode and I place myself right back a few years ago when my husband would abuse me.
I have to calm down, and remind myself that times are different know and that is NOT the same situation, but trust me it takes work and patience with yourself.
Try and calmly talk yourself through the disagreement the next time. Hopefully one day it will come naturally for us.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
"I mostly stopped posting bc I was healing nicely."
I also thought I was better and then relapsed back into old thinking, feelings and behaviors and habits. When I started to feel like I use to feel I got back into the program and never left it.
I learned and have accepted these words as true from another member of my recovery family. "I have learned that my only problem is me and my only solution is God." My greatest emotional character defent was and still is fear...False Evidence Appearing Real. I give false evidence a reality it does not warrant and I run with that reality. The second of the 12 steps ends with the word sanity. "Came to believe that a power greater than -myself- could lead me to sanity. "Sanity....a progressive and orderly process of thought." This is how I was and am taught and it comes for me within the meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. I've never found it anywhere else and that is because my teachers have walked in my shoes.
This I have also learned is true...If I back away from that which has been able to heal me and attempt to heal without it...I will return to where I left off and often times it will be worse.
Welcome back hopeful. I look forward to your support again.
I am assuming that you do not go to al anon meetings for yourself ,just because a relationship ends it dosent mean that you are done with recovery . as your saying in this post old stuff keeps commin up and in my opinion if you don't take care of it you will sabatage what u describe as a awsome relationship . Go to meetings go for yourself this program is not about the alcoholic past or present it is about you. how to improve your life . Trust is a biggie for all of us , and unfortunatley you are insecure because of past relationship and bringing your fears into the new one . Neither one of you deserve to live like that . Please go for you Louise
