Aloha Mom...I read your response to Aloha's post calling her sponsor or trying to
at least and then yours.   Tritely it takes as long as it takes and more...the more
is following the suggestions; doing the stuff that takes courage to do; coming
back, keeping and open mind, asking questions, listening listening listening and
practicing over and over and over.  Thirty years isn't a whole lot of time when you
realize the disease is doing the same thirty right along with you.  Those people
you see with time and with serenity don't have guarantees ...they have the same
24 hours as you have with the same challenges.  Their serenity is reliant upon their
spiritual condition also.

Practice, practice, practice...read my  Wow post.

(((((hugs)))))

(((N8SMOM))),
I can realte for the desire for serenity, I mean when I look around the table at meetings at the people who really "got it", who wouldn't want that.

For me what I am finding is that even now in the midst of challenges, changes, and confusion I have more moments of serenity than ever before. The difference, I am really working this program.

I have a sponsor who I love and trust, and each time I talk with her I am not only awed by her wisdom and love for me, but I open up just a little bit more.

I have alanon friends who I lean on. I can call some up. I talk with some in chat here and I even play with some on FB which is as far from alanon related as you can get :).

After reading Jerry's reply to your thread I went back to Aloha's thread and read your reply. I can tell you that the past 5-6 months have been so full of opportunity for growth for me that I look back at the girl from not so long ago and can see her becoming a woman. During that time the pain of trying to survive this alone and my inability to pick up a phone or reach out for help reached the point where I had no choice but to say I can't do this alone.

I to have a hard time picking up the phone, but the benefits are so many that now I am enjoying it and I still have moments of where I am shy about it.

I don't rely on just one person. My sponsor is wonderful and is there for me when she can be, but yes she to has a life that doesn't always include me and if she could be there 100% of the time for me round the clock whenever I called, how healthy would that be. So I have a list of people to call and they all have a different feel and different esh.

I started attending more meetings months ago, I got back into service work, I took a 6 month break from the chat room and through myself into live inter action with fellow al-anoners. That was the start of my obtaining my gift of serenity.

I don't always maintain my serenity, but I know what it feels like now, and I know how to keep it for the most part. For me it is all a lot of work right now.... :) and it's worth it.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

I find myself more and more attracted to positive people, try to be around people you want to be like and have the qualities you want. I guess this is the same as what abby said... Really though, you become what you are around I think. And yes... patience is one of my biggest issues. It hurts, it gets better, bit by bit. Seems like it's slower for me than everyone around me. I think I am a dweller - I know I am a dweller - and my mind spins things 24/7 it's hard to stay in the present and be grateful for what I have and focus on myself and each next small step. It's hard to accept that others choose the path they choose and give them the dignity to fall on their butts when you can see it coming so clearly. Everyone has to have their own experience, sometimes that experience hurts but time will soften the scars I guess. I have found this to be true that the pain subsides eventually tho I know for me it really does seem like it takes longer to get through something painful than it does for others. Maybe this is why I become impatient - I think I'm not healing fast enough... he moved on why cant I? Or.. this still hurts why do they not seem to be hurting? I guess you never really know what someone is feeling on the inside though.

Be careful what u ask for... HP just may give u something to be patient about! 

For me it took many things and I do think all in conjunction worked together for me to get me to the place of serentiy but I can tell you, once I got there, it has never gone away since.

I can tell you what I have done but I do agree with abbyal's friend that it is your own trip and getting there is just as likely unique as you are. 
   I too emulated the people I deemed "healthy" and those that had a sloid program they were working.  A healthy mine became my singular goal.

I found this site in july 05 and stumbled into the chat room and there I stayed.  I talked to others, all day and night and hit two daily meetings online.  I would chat from 10-14 hours a day.  Granted I didnt have a life or responsibilities, so I had the time to do this and I took full advantage of it.  I was in so much pain and I talked and shared and let it out of my mind and off of my heart.

Sharing a lot helped me immesnely.  I had to relive some of my past expereinces, to walk through the emotional baggage.  I had tons of things to forgive, as I had a lifetime of expereinces.  I probably spent the better part of a year - learning to foucs on msyelf and letting go of past resentments and doing the work of forgiving me countless times.

Once I could focus on me, I began to love myself for the first time ever.  It was a very rocky beginning but I literally had to love me, like I was a new friend outside of msyelf.  I practised MYOB, focusing on me & loving me.  I set and followed through on boundaries.  I continued to change, set boundaries and wed out toxic people and experiences from my life.  I also surrendered to my HP/god and let god take the reigns in my life.  This took daily practise of reminding msyelf Im powerless and to seek god first and foremost.

I continued to work the steps and used the chat room & board as much as possible. Sharing, releasing, relating.  My self love grew and so did my understanding, compassion & empathy for others.  I developed inner boundaries, so when my loved ones were in crisis, I could be right there and be "OK" and not feel the need to go on their emotional roller coaster with them.

I made gratitude lists and focused on every little mundane thing I possibly could to be grateful for.  This was about a year and a half ago and then i suddenly noticed pure joy coming from me within me - a feeling Id not felt since I was a lil kid.  I had a sense of calm with it and other members told me this was serentiy.  I still have this feeling today.

Ive been back at alanon with MIP for 4 years now.  My first time at alanon I did not surrender my way of doing things.  The first year, I spent working to get me into focus without guilt and then it was all about learning to love me.  I did feel like rain man at times, walking around talking to myself ~ focus on me, MYOB mind my own business, focus on me, MYOB but it did help me to do it.  I also put up signs of slogans all over my house, in (literally) every room.  At the pc, I had signs, in the bathrooom - signs on the wall. 

I guess another important thing I did too, was I had to stop kicking msyelf and give way to the process.  It is vital that u get into right now today and not tomorrow or yesterday.  I had fantasies about the future and kept resentments alive from the past.  Plus I had tons of other things I got from childhood about my attitude, that I re-evaluated and let go of, since they werent working for me anymore.  I lowered my expectations of self to less that zero and was grateful for doing anything productive I did. 

I still go to the morning meetings in chat and talk to others.Talking tonew people allows me to be grounded in my program and realize how far Ive actually come.

You can do anything u set ur mind to and you are worth it! 

love in recovery, -KoL