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Hi everybody. This is my first post here. I am not sure what I am doing or what I should be doing, all I know is I just need to vent and get things off of my chest.
I have never known any alcoholics before. No one in my entire family really drinks. When I was 18 I met my now husband, and he was great. A few years older than me. But a few months into our relationship he started to drink extremely heavily, or maybe I only noticed a few months in because that's when I really started to care. Either way, it got very bad and we broke up a few times. After about a year of 4-5 nights a week of him calling me drunk and being extremely mean to me, I convinced him to go to AA. We went a few times together but he told me he didnt want to. That he wasn't like any one there. I didn't agree. He stopped drinking for awhile, at least I thought he did. I convinced myself that things were getting better. They weren't. I just wanted to believe they were. I'd find myself so angry when he would get drunk, planning out a huge conversation with him the next day, and then finding when he finally was sober that I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up his drinking. Is that normal?
Minus his drinking everything else was wonderful. It really slowed down and I thought maybe he was "growing up" and would stop. We got married mid August. Now I am 21. The problem, as you may have predicted did not go away. Our cruise honeymoon was riddled with nights of drunken fights, where he was cruel, drinking, and passing out. Since we got home, at least 3-4 days a week I come home and he is drunk. Part of the problem is that he has blood sugar issues and sometimes when his blood sugar is low he gets sort of out of it. I would often tell myself that it was his bloodsugar, and couldn't be alcohol. We got in a major fight two weeks after the honeymooon when I came home and he had drank bottles of wine we had been given as a wedding gift. I left the house and went to a local park and cried for an hour, asking God or whoever was listening what i had done. Why did I marry this man?
I work full time at an awful job. The pay is terrible and I am very overworked. He is only working part time now. Every day he tells me he will get another job to help me with the bills. Every day I come home and he is drunk and has not done a thing. I am confused because every night I check the pantry, fridge, freezer, trash cans, and recyling to find the empty bottles and I never do. Last night I found 4 water bottles filled with vodka underneath our loveseat. He was passed out on the coach. I dumped them all out and cried. I feel incredibly lost. this is not what I wanted when I married him. I am a strong woman, i know that I am. So why do I accept this? This morning I left him a note with all of the empty water bottles. I told him that if he doesnt accept he has a problem and actively stop drinking I am done. That is all I wrote. I used to write long heartfelt letters, but I have stopped. I feel broken.
I just recently married again after many years divorced. I've been to several weddings in the past few years... some young people full of hope, some my age going around for the second, third, or more. I have developed more reverence for the sacrament of marriage now. It's sad to see a marriage turn south so quickly - although you say you knew there was a problem before.
In 1953 a man and a woman got married. The man was 38 years old, the woman was a lass of 23. The man had been married before and fathered two children - his wife had run off and left him when they were babies and he didn't see them again for a long time. At the wedding, some of the man's family told the woman "I hate to tell you this but you just married an alcoholic". The woman didn't even know what an alcoholic was - it was really outside of her family experience. That marriage produced two children and lasted 15 years, before chronic alcoholism ended it. The man was not able to earn a living and the woman went to work to support the entire family. Eventually, she found the man to be of no value to the family at all, other than dead weight. So the marriage was ended. The man was dead less than 5 years later. The woman raised her children and lived a good life - and lives on today.
They were my parents. No doubt, it was probably a mistake for my mom to marry my dad. But, had they not, I would not exist today to be commenting on the subject.
I guess because I came from a divorced home, I related very well when I met a single mother, divorced, with children... I wanted to fill that void for her, I wanted to be the father to those children like I never had. I even got sober myself. I still couldn't hold it together... the kids grew up, she left. What I have from that marriage today is a wonderful stepdaughter and granddaughter (DramaGoddess).
I met my new wife of 3 months in 2007. She's so different from anyone I've ever known that it took some getting used to. But she had a very short marriage when she was very young. One of those "why on earth did I do this?" things. Some of the stories she has told me, leave me scratching my head. Yet - what was I doing when I was 18? Playing pinball, drinking beer, working for minimum wage part time.... if any cute girl had come along and taken to me, I would have been gone, gone gone... and I'm sure it would have been a disaster. It happened but not for 8 more years... LOL. It was less than a disaster, but less than a rousing success.
Yeah -playing pinball. They didn't even have Space Invaders and the pinball machines still had mechanical scoreboards!
Anyway, it's just rambling stuff - no one can tell you what to do. But I think you know that you can't make him get sober. He has to do it for himself. I see young men all the time who just can't get it, and I want to smack some sense into him. Like the father of my granddaughter. He had such a beautiful family - that which I no longer had - and he treated it with such contempt and disregard, I just wanted to wring his neck. He threw it away, and I have to say I'm glad he's gone. I know I was dealing with the disease, but I found the person underneath to be contemptible. Even sober (which he may have been, one or two times), I found very little to like.
I know this probably doesn't help much, but I'm speaking from my own experience from the many different angles I've seen it from. It's not meant to mean anything except a sharing of experience, which is what we do here. I will say a prayer for you and your young husband. It's all I can do. Only you can decide what you need to do. And it's ok to change your mind.
I am so sorry that you are in such pain. Welcome to Alanon and MIP. You can find help and recovery here.
We have on line meetings 2xs a day and 24/7 hour chat. Please check the white pages of your telephone directory and call the alanon number listed. You will be given a listing of face to face meetings in your area.
Alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless.
You did not cause the drinking, You cannot control the drinking and You cannot cure the drinking. Alanon has tools that will enable you to find serenity even if the alcoholic continues to drink or not. We learn to focus on ourselves, take constructive actions in our lives so as we can be happy, and try to live One Day at a Time .
All this takes practice so please keep coming back and sharing.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 20th of October 2009 10:17:51 AM
Welcome to our group - I hope you will find the Experience, Strength, and Hope (ESH) I have found here.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through - it's never easy - whether you're a newlywed or a couple who has been married for 50 years.
Most newcomers thing that Al-Anon will teach you how to get your loved one to stop drinking, but that is not so. The most important thing you need to know is that nothing you do can stop him from drinking. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The only thing you can do is help yourself.
Please get to an Al-Anon meeting, you can look them up online to find one in your area. It's also recommended that you try at least 6 different meetings because they all have a different feel to them and one or more might be more suited to you than the others.
not giving you advice, I think where you are at with the note and the empty bottles... well, just be prepared to walk away. Whatever you do, do not go back if he's drinking. You said it in the note, now let your actions speak louder than your words. Anything else is condoning that sad life with him.
I am engaged to an addict. He isn't an alcoholic, but smokes pot every day, all day long (when he has it). He also is really very into his porn collection (ugh). Neither are desirable things to me, but I take them with him becuase HE is a good and nice and fun and honest man. I feel safe with him. I laugh when I put two sentances together: He's an addict. I feel safe with him." I must be crazy!
And I am here because of me. I'm not here because of him. there is noting I can do about his bad habits, and I don't expect them to change any time soon. It would be nice-- FOR ME-- if both habits were gone, but he likes his pot and his porn... what am I to do except accept that as who he is, love him anyway, and get some support for myself in handling this relationship's malfunctions and the nuances of being with someone who has addiction problems.
So, I came to Alanon, and it's helped me so much! And it will help you too. YOu sound so strong for someone so young. You're on the right path. This man, he might not be right for you. But that is for you to decide. Maybe being with an alcoholic isn't what you need to be doing at this juncture of your life. You're young, no kids... why not go to college and persue your dream career? I can think of a million other ways to spend my early 20's if I had them to do over.... *sigh*. truth is, if I had put the energy I spent on men and trying to be clever about them into a career, I would have been a lot better off, more fulfilled earlier on. As it is, I went back to school late, got my career going, LOVE my job and my profession. I am one of the only people I know who likes their employer! I make a very good living...
I'm finally ready to be in love and settle down and have a family. I chose someone who wants that too. He's a pot head. There are always drawbacks and character flaws. I am choosing this man knowing he's not perfect and that he has a disease. I guess I choose this problem over a variety of other, different problems I could be choosing without knowing it until it's too late.
I think that as long as we take care of ourselves and let that be our guide, our behavior and our choices become a lot more clear: what's good for me. I am interested in the "everyone wins" scenario. So for me, I try to find the win-win and go that direction. Staying with him isn't necessarily his "win". from what I gather, most addicts have to hit rock bottom before they get help.
I am in a very similar situation - met my husband at 18, got married at 23 just after we both graduated university. A year or so into marriage, realized that his drinking was becoming a huge problem. I'd count how much he was drinking, search out the hidden liquor all over the house, smell pop cans to see if he'd poured rum in them... We'd go through the same cycle of him doing something really awful, then he'd apologize and promise to change, set out rules for himself like no drinking alone or buying booze. Within a few weeks, he'd be back at it and just tried to hide it better. The lying was driving me insane, and made me lose all trust in him.
I finally couldn't take it anymore, so I went to an alanon meeting. I've been going 11 weeks so far and it has been my saviour. I am still with him, but I have completely changed MY reaction to his drinking. His drinking = his problem, not mine. I can't control it, and trying to only ends in me being frustrated and crazy. If I pour out his alcohol, he will just get more. So, I am not controlling him anymore, he can make his own choices. He's going to need to hit rock bottom before he will ever stop drinking, and that's a scary thought. However, I need to let him get there instead of cushioning that fall. He has actually commented on the change in me and said that he appreciates it. He said when I would nag him, he'd get angry and rebel by drinking more or spending more.
I also have been coming to learn that it is a disease. It's hard to wrap my head around, because it feels like he is so young and he should just stop drinking and magically solve all our problems. But I'm realizing that he can't. So when he's mean to me or drinks uncontrollably, instead of getting angry at him, I have to stop and tell myself "it's the disease", not him. I've also learned not to punish him for drinking (with silent treatment, etc) or to point out that I know he's hiding booze or drinking in secret, because it does not help anything, just makes things worse.
Anyway, just know that you are not alone. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is focus on YOU. Keep coming back. I wish you luck.
I was the same -- I grew up in a family where no one was a heavy drinker, and I didn't know the first thing about alcoholism. So I believed what my husband told me about drinking. The problem is that alcoholics have a skewed, one might even say "insane" attitude about drinking. The things I believed, before I learned more, were:
1. I could talk him into realizing how his drinking hurt me and damaged him.
But I couldn't. If explaining helped, there'd be no alcoholics left in the world. Heaven knows we've all tried explaining over and over and over, each time thinking, "This time I bet I'll be able to get through. Any reasonable person could see that this drinking is causing so many problems!" But they're not reasonable people. The alcohol has gotten the better of them. If they were reasonable, they would have stopped a long time ago.
2. I thought he would go to AA and it would all be better.
I didn't realize the very, very small proportion of alcoholics who manage to get sober successfully. It's something like 15% for those who go to AA and stick with it. (And many never even go to AA.) Typically even those 15% take multiple tries. My husband went to AA for a while. Several times. When I finally realized that the odds were astronomical against his recovery, I thought, "If life were always going to be like this, with him drinking, would I want to live like this?" It took me less than 10 seconds to know the answer.
3. I thought maybe I could "handle" his drinking.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse. Whatever it's like now, it will get worse. As I waited for him to stop, keeping on thinking that pretty soon he would wise up and see the light, I kept lowering my bottom line, until I was living an insane life too. Living with an alcoholic husband is like living with a man with a mistress. There's always a third party in the relationship who's more important than you.
4. I thought I knew how bad it was.
Alcoholics are masters at hiding and lying. When I found out the real extent of it, I was appalled. I came to find out that this was typical -- we usually see only the part they can't hide.
The question I think we all have to ask ourselves is: Why would we stay in a relationship in which we get so little? Do we think we can't do better? Does the chaos generated by the drinker distract us from our own chaos? Does the idea of going through the pain of leaving (misplaced guilt, fear, self-blame) make staying seem like a better choice? Do we think we peaceful, functional lives aren't really obtainable anyway?
My life, personally, has gotten so much more peaceful since I separated from my alcoholic husband. It's possible to be distant friends with an alcoholic, which is what we are now. It should never have gotten closer than that. It is particularly painful for my son to have an alcoholic dad.
Please go to some meetings. There are a great group of people there who can give the support for you to figure out your best way forward, whatever way that may be.
First off, I want to commend you for coming here and looking for help.
You are learning much quicker than I did. Heartfelt letters to an alcoholic do not work. In my experience, all they do is cause frustration by not having the desired effect, and giving ammunition for twisting thoughts and feelings, and truly making me feel like I am crazy.
Yes, the bad news is that you are newly married, and I am sorry. Coming from someone who has lived years with the destruction of the disease, I read your post and thought also about how the GOOD news is that you are newly married, very young and still just starting your life.
I met my AH when I was 18 and married at 24. We truly became grown-ups together. Took many years for the disease to progress and become unmanageable, but when it did there was no mercy. The absolute greatest gift I gave myself was that I went to college and got an education and job skills. Of course, I didn't know it at the time, I was just doing what I was told I was "supposed to do". I didn't work for many years and spent time home with my children, but in the end, when the rug was pulled out from underneath me and all I was promised and hoped was chipped away, I was able to depend on me. I cannot tell you how passionate I feel about that. I want to encourage every young woman to strive for all they can be to be independent and self-sufficient. In this program we are not supposed to tell each other what to do, but I will say, DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! You do not deserve to be overworked in an awful job long-term.
Whew! Off my soap box now.....
It is not too late for you. I encourage you to get to as many in person Al-Anon meetings as you can. Read the literature (including "Getting Them Sober"), listen, share, get a sponsor, and really work the program. It really does work. Time goes so fast. Life can be different for you. You don't know what is going to happen. If you remain married or choose differently, if your husband gets sober or if he doesn't, you can be a miracle.
Welcome to MIP. Glad you are here. Please keep coming back.
-- Edited by Loupiness on Wednesday 21st of October 2009 07:47:41 AM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
girl...lol me and you are in the exact same boat. im new too, and i recently married a wonderful man, who also happens to be an alcoholic.
my husband is out of work right now, and it hurts him because he really wants to be a provider for us, and so he escapes by drinking. and man...isnt it the worst feeling when you expect him to be sober, but he is drunk yet again. it seems so unfair that they can just sign out and leave us to bare this reality alone in the hours they are escaping...
after this morning, in which we had a huge fight about his drunken episode last night, i hugged him. told him how much i loved him. and i told him to get help or i had to leave him to it. i told him i couldnt sit by and watch him slowly decay. i loved him to much to be a witness to that, and he couldnt expect me to do it either. he fought me. he gave me excuses. and then we just collapsed into each other crying and he agreed to get help.
these guys need to know they are loved by us. they love us too, i know they do. but i think we have to show them that we love them enough to fight FOR them and stand by them 110% while they get help.
your man will come around. when he realizes he has put his wife second to alcohol, when he REALLY realizes it, then maybe you will gain some wiggle room to help convince him.
im an independant woman too. i have a college education that i got all on my own, and i have run a business by myself. when i look at my husband while he is passed out, snoring the snores of a drunk, i catch myself asking, 'why am i doing this to myself, why am i allowing him to hurt me?' then the next day when he smiles at me, i remember all over again. 'oh yeah...i fell in love with the man. not the addiction.' and it allows me to not feel so much like a victim, but a wife. they need us, they need to know we wont put up with the half assed (forgive my language) husbandry, and we expect to get our husbandds back from the darkness come hell or high water.
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sticking feathers up your butt doesnt make you a chicken.
