They don't ever stop lying do they? - Al-Anon Family Group

Melissa21 · Senior Member

They don't ever stop lying do they?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Actually Mellisa they do over time and with program. Lying becomes useless to
recovery.   Often times they don't stop lying when all I am doing is judging and
focusing too much on what I think the picture is. My sponsor gave me that if
I stood with my nose to the picture I would not see it all.   I needed to back up
way back. There are many recovering alcoholics in my life today who practice
honesty on a rigorous, continuous basis as a part of their recovery. I have learned
that the same thing is required in my Al-Anon Program.   Learning how to detach
from my alcoholic wife helped to reduce the number of lies I suspected she was
telling.     Keep coming back.   (((((hugs))))) smile

Melissa21 · Senior Member

Thanks for the reply!

I guess it doesn't help he isn't in recovery.

I guess maybe I am trying to dig too much into his business. Im just trying to be prepared for when we go to court. Otherwise before this I think I was doing better because I didn't care what he was doing..not really that I care now, but there is just so much I can use against him if I keep being nosey and looking for things to prove he is lying. Which isn't good for my recovery, but will be good for when we go to court.

Maybe I should just see it as I have enough information for now. BUt then I think the more and more I can get the easier it will be for me to win. I don't know..

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Melissa21 wrote:

Thanks for the reply!

I I keep being nosey and looking for things to prove he is lying. Which isn't good for my recovery, but will be good for when we go to court.

Maybe I should just see it as I have enough information for now. BUt then I think the more and more I can get the easier it will be for me to win. I don't know..

Hi Melissa I am always so very impressed with your clarity and honesty. Your growth and ability to see yourself and your motives show a great growth.

You have answered your own question proving once again that the program truly works. THe answers that we seek are within each of us. We simply have to look within for the answers.

Thanks for being here and sharing your program.

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of October 2009 09:24:21 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of October 2009 09:24:59 PM

Melissa21 · Senior Member

Thanks hotrod!

Not at all what I was expecting to hear!!

But maybe you are right.

I need to decide how much of his business I need to get into and how much of his lies I need to prove wrong. Maybe I have plenty of evidence/information. And maybe it's time to stop getting into his business and leave the rest up to HP. Since doing this isn't good for me in my recovery. I guess maybe it's FEAR that if I don't keep proving his lies then he will get visitation of my son. But it's not doing me good which Im sure is affecting my children.

Or I should at least take a nice break till I get a court date since I don't even have one of them yet for my own serentiy/sanity!

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

((((melissa)

They lie but they believe it at the time. It becomes a way of life. What I wonder is why I keep believing my AHSober? I should know better.

In support,
Nancy

Melissa21 · Senior Member

thanks nancy!

They lie but they believe it at the time you said--- You know I should have known this I remember posting when I first came about how when he lies I think he does it so much he believes his own lies.

You made a good point- Why do I keep believing his lies? He is REALLY good at it! Maybe at times I want to believe some of the things he says. It's just hard to sit and have a conversation with someone and then sit and think to myself well they probably just lied about everything they said! So why even waste my time having a conversation with an A?

If I keep my expectations low then I don't expect them to tell me the truth, but then why should I talk to them?

Arggg..

Grateful I am not living with any A's right now!

I've come a long way, but I've still got a long way to go and lots to learn!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel keep this little thought handy no matter how it comes out...Keep it so that for
the moment you will be level and at peace..."And I have found that acceptance is
the solution to all of my problems." It's about being in acceptance rather than
that rocky dangerous place we get when we feel life has done us a dirty."

((((hugs)))) smile

richard · Senior Member

I hope that it Is okay that I am direct with my opinions. You say you are not with him anymore that is not true. You are still very attached to him. You still have a relationship. Staying with someone who abuses you verbally or physically is an indication of relationship addiction. Unless, you are perfect in every way, you might look at how you verbally abuse others. I figure unless you are out fishing yourself you wont get caught by an abusive person taking you hostage.

With his chronic lying do you expect him not to do so? If you quit expecting him to do so, you will not feel so much disappointment or other hurt feelings. Remember, we do have control over people, places, and things. Trying to get him to quit lying is a mothering type of control issue. It seem that society has taught the general woman that she is not worthy as a being unless she mothers very well making the only identity you might have is as a mother. Is this probable for your own person makeup?

The worst kind of prison for me is the one I have made for myself.

With lots of caring, honest,
RICHARD

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Melissa,
I to get tired of the lies, and for the most part it isn't the lies to me that upset me; it is when he lies to the kids. My hub is so caught up in his disease that I am not sure that he would know the truth if is spat in his face.

The lies feed his disease. His lies are another way for him to beat himself up and then bam another ready made excuse to use.

My roll in this? To keep my a$$ out of it. He lies to the kids, that is his business and he may or may not have to pay for that someday. My job is to be a good mom and to be honest to the kids. He tells me something I need to remember actions, not words. Actions don't lie.

Keep working it. I know it isn't easy to let it go and not let it get to you.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

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