The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have had harsh words this evening with AH. I said it wasn't meant to be like this. After nearly 38 years together I wasn't meant to despise him. Amongst a lot of other things I asked him (not for 1st time) just where is his rock-bottom? It must be very low down indeed.
I am so defeated. Everyone else seems to have an opinion on what I should do - leaving him being the most common. Some even blame me for making it so easy for him to carry on as he is. BUT - whatever anyone says, I cannot leave a dying man - for that is surely what he is. He spends most of the time in his bedroom sleeping and boozing. He only stirs himself to walk to local shop to buy more cheap (well, not that cheap!) brandy.
My son and I deserve more than this. But, you know, when the inevitable does eventually happen, I will carry an enormous guilt that I didn't do things differently/better/manage to change things. How do you absolve yourself of the guilt?
Thanks for posting and please keep coming back. One of the reasons in Al-anon that we don't offer advice or even judge another's actions is that we can't possibly know your complete circumstance or what your HP wants for you. Neither can all the people who tell you what you should do. We can only share our ESH and you get take what you like and leave the rest.
After I came to full awareness of my husband's alcoholism, and passed through a futile stage of trying to control his behavior, I went through a stage of forcing a number of solutions for me (OK him too!) I would feel that I can't possibly stay now I really understand it's not on him, but on me. But every time I forced something, I couldn't make my action stick. I thought "I'm so weak!" After, a while, I grew more peaceful with my decision to stay and seek serenity for myself through alanon whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
I've been married to my AH for over 20 years and I believe he is critically ill with the disease of alcoholism. I support his recovery but I will stay by him. Alanon helps me detach with love from his choices, but I choose to stay and provide food, clothing, shelter, healthcare and love. So far, he hasn't found his bottom, but he has chosen many times to try to sober up, his addiction is powerful, but he has not given up hope. Neither have I.
I'm not sure if my story helps, just want you to know only you can know your heart and what HP wants of you.
It does help, thanks Rocky. Just good to know that continuing to provide food and shelter for the A is not peculiar to me. He may have destroyed the love I had for him but I do care, desperately what happens to him. Coming on here and the feeling of being amongst friends helps. Thank you all again
I am glad you keep coming back and tellling us how you feel and your inner most concerns. I too provided food, clothing, place to stay and medical care to my son. He sounds like your husband as he was very ill and would only leave to go buy more Burbon.
He passed away in his sleep over 2 years ago and I have absolutely no guilt as to my part in this disease. Each person is different. We do not give advice here.
We must each pray and ask for guidance and remember that alcoholism is a disease. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
I have many wonderful memories of my son's last years even while he was suffering with this disease.
Thanks to alanon I was able to love the person and not feed into the madness of the illness.
You are not alone and you will find help
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 17th of October 2009 10:19:41 PM
"My son and I deserve more than this. But, you know, when the inevitable does eventually happen, I will carry an enormous guilt that I didn't do things differently/better/manage to change things. How do you absolve yourself of the guilt?"
Guilt is an awful thing, and the reality is, if you don't choose recovery for yourself, you're more than likely going to feel some guilt no matter what you do... either that you didn't handle your hubby better, or that you weren't more there for your son, etc.... Living around addictions is too much for most of us to handle on our own.... reach out, grow, learn, read, attend meetings, educate yourself and your son.....
Sometimes it seems like there is no possible "happy outcome", but you honestly don't know that - not yet, anyway.... Al-Anon is refreshing with the Three C's, step one (powerlessness), and it helps teach you to be gentle on yourself - to live the saying of "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time"....
I wish you well in your recovery...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
MANY, MANY, MANY people told me I should leave my A too, I was told the same, that simply being married to him was enabling, sigh, since staying in the marriage gave him the "illusion" of functioning normally by maintaining a semblance of family life.
I am glad I did not listen to them, and instead, sought out the guidance of alanon "old-timers" who have enough recovery to know that we don't give advice or tell people what to do. When I did more reading on alanon, realized that what alanon is about is RECOVERING yourself, no matter what is going on around you. You don't need to leave your Alcoholic, or make any drastic decisions to recover.
I too used to feel guilt, as I saw my husband slowly killing himself. I realize now this guilt was really a CONTROL issue! Why was it my fault that my husband was drinking himself to death? He was an adult, and as he was fond of telling me, I cannot control another adult, at all.
I was attempting to control my husband's life, and when I failed (as will ALWAYS happen) I felt it was due to my own personal failings, that I was inept at my job of controlling others around me.
I think this is a problem with many "moms", accustomed to controlling the lives of our children, whom we love dearly, and want to have a good and happy life. We tell them what to eat and when, where to go, where to stay away from, and when to go to bed, since we love them and want to care for them propery. Then, we try to show the same loving concern for our other loved family members. We try to steer them in the right direction, give guidance for their own good, and try to keep them from harm, that is what we are accustomed to doing.
Only, it doesn't work with adults, they are already raised by someone else, and it drives us crazy that we can't steer them in the right direction.
This is a sickness, this control issue, and I did not get better until I let go of control over my spouse.
I stopped saying anything to him at all about his drinking, and just concentrated on ME, and making sure my life was in order (and taking care of our children). If he was passed out on the sofa I just ignored him and stepped over him and worked around him.
I realized that I am NOT responsible for something I CAN'T CONTROL!
If I can't control my husband, I am not responsible for his actions. So, although I was still sad and worried, I no longer felt any guilt for his sickness.
Alanon works, I NEVER thought it would happen, and my spouse said it would never happen, LOL, but when I got better HE STOPPED DRINKING! Right at death's door to. I had recently taken him to the ER with an overdose and he nearly died and left ICU against doctor's orders, he simply pulled out his IV's and walked out, even though the doctor said he had serious liver damage and could easily die from it.
Soon after (after a few false starts) he stopped drinking entirely.
Today, with some serious healthly foods and milk thistle (a nutritionist said this would heal his liver and the doctor said it DID!) he is restored to full robustly good health. His doctor said that he had the body of a man 20 years younger, it is a miracle it seems.
Don't give up hope, take care of you and your son, and don't listen to any well meaning "advice". Stick close to alanon, read read read, and seek out old timers with a good program who can help you learn more about the program. There are many many others here who did NOT leave their spouses and who still got better whether they were drinking or not.
No matter what you do unfortunately you will have guilt....trust me on this one... you just have to try and ignore the well intentioned advice of people....the truth of the matter is until you live with this disease there is no way you can even begin to comprehend it.
I threw my husband out thinking that would work, eventually before he passed I allowed him to come home...I still to this day have guilt.....
Guilt is an awful horrible feeling and we the family seem to ask ourselves all the time what if I did this or that.....
Please remember you have no control over the outcome of his disease the most unfortunate part of it all.....
He knows you love him, and you know he loves you......leave it to God dear friend.....
Please get help for you as often as you can.....please please remember you have no control......
You are in my prayers as he is and your son. I hate what the disease did to my husband but I still love him....he has been gone for 2 yrs now and I will always love him...there is not a day that goes buy when I don't question why, why could he just not stop......
When u truly understand that there is nothing ucan do about HIM , u will know that u did the best you could at the time . Your simply not powerful enough to make him drink or stop . You have a choice , u can stay right where u are and get happy regardless of what he is doing . or u can stay stuck in the guilt and shame of his disease. YOu can leave , no problem Bloom where your planted . Louise
Do you have a God? Does your God want you to do your God's work? Does your God want you drown along with God's (not yours) drowning man? Do you recognize your own severe low self-worth and self-esteem? How come you think he is has been at a point in his falling where it should have been his "bottom" or should be at his bottom now... how can he find any bottom with you holding him up from arriving at his bottom.
No matter how fearful you might be at finding out who are, which would includie why you would not leave a man who chooses slow suicide and needs help other than what you can give him, you would be best to find out your own story of life and leave him to what he chooses. I do know, that it only takes the word of another person to have some one put into a psyhe hospital for her or his own well being. Please quit doing God's work. God does not smile for you doing that... I am sure.
RICHARD
-- Edited by richard on Monday 19th of October 2009 11:04:03 PM
-- Edited by richard on Monday 19th of October 2009 11:09:52 PM
