The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I am new here. I live in the country pretty far from most Alanon meetings. I have been to some but haven't found a place yet where I feel comfortable and can get to on a regular basis.
I have a son who is an addict. He just turned 19. In hindsight I think he has been using for several years. He also seems to have borderline personality disorder or maybe that's what the drugs and alcohol do to him, who knows. He is very volatile.
He lives on the other side of the country. Last month I went out there and pulled him out of his terrible living situation, got him into a sober living home and an outpatient program. He is about 32 days sober. But now he seems to be resisting. He wants to leave the sober living home. He doesn't have a job and I am not sure he is emotionally capable of holding one. He called me the other night and wanted to come home for the weekend. At first I wanted him to but the more I thought about it and then talked to my husband and our family counselor I realized it would not be a good idea. My son hates it here and every time we get together as a family it ends up badly. I want us to be a family but I know he isn't ready for it. I really only think he wanted to come home in order to get away from the requirements of his sober living house. My husband told him if he wanted to see us we would go out there. I canceled the plane ticket and haven't heard anything from my son since that.
I have this weird combination of dreading hearing from him and wanting to hear from him. 905 of the time that I hear from him he has some sort of grievance or problem and wants money or something else from me. 10% of the time he is just calling to say hi. I love those calls. But I feel so shell shocked at this point that I don't want to deal with him at all. I can barely sleep. Finally last night my doctor gave me a prescription for a sedative.
My husband travels a lot and so I am home alone alot with my horses, dogs, and cats who by the way are excellent company. I am a writer so I tend to be solitary. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and ask what exactly I did to deserve this fate but I know that that I didn't do anything. I do believe you get what you get.
Anyhow, I think this all is a question about detachment. I feel like I need a break. I am burned out on this. I did everything I could... I found him a psychiatrist, a sober living house, and outpatient treatment. How much more do I have to do? I feel like my life has becoe a himan sacrifice to my son's addictions.
My son is a lot older than your son is but when I am in the place that you are now I just asked his HP to take care of him where ever he is and whatever he is doing. It is completely out of your hands unless you decide to try and control it. Close your eyes and picture his HP (whatever that may look like to you) with his arms wrapped around you son and taking care of him.
I hope you keep coming here and connecting with others and getting their experience, strength and hope. It is a wonderful lifeline.
You are in the right place. The feelings of anxiety,dread and sleeplessness are very familar to me. It certainly sounds as if you have helped your son in every way possible. Now it is time to focus on yourself and try to find peace and happiness in your lile. You are not alone Alanon f 2 f meetings, alanon literature, online meetings here 2xs a day and on line chat 24/7., and posting here can all assist you in your journey toward happiness and peace even if youson continues on a different path.
I know those calls that are 90% drama and 10% visits. I found I had a choice as to answering the telephone so that I choose to let all calls go to phone mail and then i could decide when to call bvack and how long to talk. It did help.
Welcome to MIP, and I hope you'll find all sorts of love & encouragement here... One book that I would strongly recommend for you is written by Toby Rice Drews, entitled "Getting Your Children Sober"..... This book is written pretty much specificially for people like yourself, with an alcoholic child...
I wish you well
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You are in the Parents of Addicts Club, this was a membership you never applied for, aspired to be a part of, but here you are. And as a member of this club for the past 11 years it is one I wish we could revolk our membership because the dues you pay are so very high.
My heart goes out to you mother-to-mother, I can only say I understand what you are going through.
Welcome to MIP! I live in a rural place, too. Keep looking for f2f meetings. Alot of us have grown kid problems. Turn it over to HP for awhile and go ride your horse.
Thanks all I feel better already. Nice to know that there are others out there. For some reason when I go to Alanon meetings I don't connect. And they are so short and so infrequent.
Thanks for sharing your story. I helped my alcoholic husband get to a treatment center. I too was feeling overwhelmed and like I had done everything that I could for him. I prayed to my higher power often. Someone said to me in the midst of everything a very wise thing. I told him that I was tired of never doing anything that was good enough in the eyes of the alcoholic. The person said to me, "Then stop helping." It was so powerful. The alcoholic had to start to do things for himself. I am happy to say that he is in recovery and I am just getting started with Al-Anon and trying to find a meeting where I feel like I fit in. I remember that feeling of the phone calls, too. Would he be in a good mood or an angry mood. I hope that you find support here and that feeling of serenity.
It's not so much I am worried about his anger. I am worried that he is going to kill himself by overdosing. Right now he is in a safe environment so I worry he will leave and then end up killing himself.
