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Hi all, I last posted that my "A" hub is gone has moved out.
Thursday nights is a night I usually a f2f meeting. My hub asked if he could come stay with the kids while I went to the meeting and I said sure. He got to my house before I got off work, with permission. He is depending on other people to transport him and that was the time he could get a ride.
Anyway right when i am about to get off work he asks if I can run him to his boss's house to pick up a little bit of money. He is a commercial painter today was supposed to be payday he said the bank is holding the check for his boss, so he couldn't get all his pay, but just some to cover him for the weekend until the bank releases the funds. He says I will give you gas money. I had time before my meeting so I said ok.
The kids and I pick him up and head over to the house. We come back and he says he is going to the neighbors to talk until I need to leave for my meeting. I see him walk up the street instead of across the street, but thought whatever.
He doesn't come back at all. I get someone relaible to watch the kids I leave and am so angry at hub because the kids saw him and he talked about what they would do tonight. And he just disappears after he promises the kids. I ask him if he used meth and he replies with a yes. I want to reply with all the nastiness and hurt I am feeling at the moment. I pick the phone up and put it down I don't know how many times. Then I just simply say "you lied to me and you used me", and then left for my meeting. He replies and tries to justify what he did, I read that at the parking lot of my meeting. I then choose to stop. I said what I needed to and my conversation was done. I had a meeting to get to :)
When I got to the meeting I was so angry. I just once again couldn't believe what happened and it really shouldn't be a surprise. The chair didn't have a topic so someone suggested "Hope" and I went (in my head of course) "No I don't want hope I want to stay angry" but as the first two people started to share I decided I needed to choose a better attitude.
He is making his choices, I am not forcing him to not spend time with the kids he is not spending time with them all of his own doing. I am there for them and they can see that. I can choose to stay angry that my active addict USED, like that's a surprise. I can choose to stay angry that he lied about the gas money said he needed to break the bill first. I can choose to stay in the why didn't he get clean mindset and all the misery that it would bring to stay there.
I choose NOT to do all of the above!!!!!!
I choose to improve on my parenting. I know I am not a bad mom, but there is always room for improvement. I choose to go to meetings and let this crap out so I don't obsess about it. I choose to connect with my sponsor or at the very least attempt to (and also look into a bluetooth so I am legal when I talk to her in the car it was way to rainy to talk on the phone without the handsfree). I choose to focus on me. I choose to let him go.
And something I saw right away before I walked into my meeting was that today when I saw my hub I felt that little tug, that little whisper that says you made the wrong choice tell him you love him, you miss him, that you want him home. I prayed for strength and then he did what he did and I felt my healthy girl perk up and she said "Hell NO! Girl what were you thinking. You DON"T need him and you don't WANT this anymore. YOU DESERVE BETTER". (On a side note I am starting to really hear the resemblance of my healthy side to my sponsor :))
I was too mad to talk to the kids before my meeting (thank God I had enough sende to recognize that at the time) and they were asleep when I came home. I can NOT reach my hub, but I can talk rationally (sometimes hehe) to my kids and choose to talk to them when I can be nonjudgemental about thier father.
Today I see that I have a lot of choices. I also see that today I am making better choices because today I want a better life and for once I know I deserve it.
I encourage you all to work this program......it works i can see it, I can feel it and I am living it.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Aloha Mandy....I could hear the merry-go-round music as I read your post and I could see you not riding it...turing away from it to go join the fellowship for support. Keep working on that detachment. You'r getting better. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks! Your post is a reflection of how "it works if you work it" is done. Instead of focusing/posting on the bad, your share is full of Alanon ES&H and how to use the tools given us. The scenerio could have sent you in to a huge tailspin but you chose to not go there.
The choosing option is sometimes a hard concept to grasp. We may not be able to choose the immediate surrounding happenings, but we can choose our responses and our attitude.
Good for you!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
