The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I AM A LITTLE LIMITED IN THIS LIFE WHICH MAKES ME VERY FRUSTRATED AT TIMES & OFTEN PUTS ME ON THE "PITY POT". MOST RECENTLY I HAVE BEEN KINDA DEPRESSED & SAD AS I HAVE BEEN CRYING ALMOST EVERY DAY. I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER MENTIONED THAT I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER WHICH LIMITS MY MIND TO SIMPLE THOUGHTS AND LOTS OF FRUSTRATIONS. I CAN'T CARRY ON SIMPLE CONVERSATIONS SOMETIMES BECAUSE I HAVE A HARD TIME REMEMBERING THINGS. I HAVE TO INTERRUPT PEOPLE SO I CAN GET WHAT I NEED OR WANT TO SAY OUT THERE. AT NIGHT, I ACTUALLY HAVE RACING & INTRUSIVE MEANINGLESS THOUGHTS THAT CAUSE ME TO STRUGGLE WITH SLEEP ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. SOMETIMES I JUST DON'T WANT TO LIVE BECAUSE LIFE FOR ME IS A MAJOR STRUGGLE. I SOMETIMES BLAME MY MOTHER FOR HAVING ME WHEN SHE WAS VERY SICK WITH THE SAME ILLNESS THAT I HAVE BUT BACK THEN I THINK THEY REFERRED TO AS MANIC-DEPRESSION. I AM ALMOST ALWAYS FEELING LIKE NO ONE IN MEETINGS REALLY UNDERSTAND ME AND DON'T TRY TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS SOMETIMES DIBILATING ILLNESS THAT I HAVE. PHYSICAL PROBLEMS I CAN STAND BUT MENTAL ISSUES FEEL SO MUCH MORE CHALLENGING TO ME. SO SOMETIMES I SIT IN MEETINGS AND DON'T WANT TO SHARE MY ANXIETIES & DIFFICULTIES. I AM ALMOST SURE THAT NO ONE IN THE MEETINGS I GO TO HAVE THE ISSUES I HAVE. SO I WAIT FOR SOMEONE WHO REALLY RELATES TO ME WHO I CAN SHARE WITH & THAT REALLY GETS ME. I KNOW THAT ALANON IS IMPORTANT TO ME & THAT MY AH ISN'T THE ONLY REASON I GO TO MEETINGS. BEAR WITH ME. I AM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THAT I HAVE EVEN THOUGH I FEEL SO OUT OF PLACE. I AM LEARNING TO ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM BUTS STILL FEEL ALONE IN THIS WORLD WITH THIS ILLNESS. SO I AM STRUGGLING. I AM GOING TO STOP HERE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I AM FEELING TOO SORRY FOR MYSELF.
Aloha Hoot...After reading that I couldn't decide if you were my shadow or I was yours...twins separated at birth I think. Since I came to learn that fear was so very central to my entire condition it was fear that I worked on the most. To work on it the most and the best I had to learn to quiet my mind during meetings and other times so that I could hear other stories and other voices because the solutions were "outside" of me not "inside". I have your symptoms or maybe its you who have mine and I don't let them control me anymore. Acceptance (this is what I am on this day and I am okay within the condition) helps as ton. Perfection is an illusion I will not abide there (a thought habit). My part is smaller than God's part so I have less work to do and none of it contains anything that God surrenders over to me. (a thought habit). I have disabilities...and I have strengths. (spiritual awareness and truth and practice.) I practice these and more thru the nightmares, the manic explosions, the pity and always the fears (false evidence appearing real). Is the cup half empty? or....half full? Attitude is a choice and I choose to life with what I have. Living like we do at times SUCKS and then that is what I have to do before every breath.
In support, (we hold each other up). (((((hugs)))))
Thank You for having the courage to share your heart.
One of the biggest gifts of alanon for me was to be able to drop all illusion, denial and pretend about myself. I needed to learn to honestly share with members, who I was , how I felt and what I believed. I received the courage to do that by listening to other members who had the courage as you have just demostrated to do the same.
You are always so kind and supportive to people here on this board! I am sorry to read about what a hard time you are having...
I can relate very much to the racing thoughts, I have raging (unmedicated) ADHD and my racing thoughts are very hard to deal with at times. In my case the "H" stands for hyperactivity, and that is MENTAL hyperactivity! I was surprised to learn that from the doctor, but it is true. It means my mind and thoughts race constantly.
I too have a SERIOUS difficulty sleeping because of the racing thoughts.
I also relate to finding meetings difficult because of the racing thoughts. I have episodes of "spacing out" because of it. I may totally miss a person's share, or parts of it, and not realize it until it is somehow brought to my attention.
Meetings here, online, are a lot easier for me, since READING a share engages my mind in a way that helps me not space out and stay on task. It is an extra effort my mind must make that helps it stay engaged. Reading is actually a complicated task for the brain, so it is great for ADHD people.
I don't have bipolar, but having ADHD is like the manic part of bipolar, without the depressed part. We don't have highs and lows, we are usually stuck in the "high" part. Although in later life, depression and ADHD go hand in hand as it becomes increasingly difficult to function with "regular" people.
I just totally related to your post and I was struck by how well you put that feeling into words, you have a gift for expression.
I hope knowing that others relate to you will provide some comfort. Knowing that you feel as I do, and can still be so kind and compassionate to others, and take the time to give such loving and supportive feedback to others is an inspiration to me to keep working on dealing with my racing thoughts to still be actively engaged with others.
I am glad you are here and glad I am getting to know you friend.
(((((((((Hoot Nanny)))))))))))))
MP
-- Edited by MaryPoppins on Wednesday 14th of October 2009 01:27:55 AM
-- Edited by MaryPoppins on Wednesday 14th of October 2009 08:06:36 AM
What I really love about Mip is? It's our own very special place, where we can be who we really are and say how we really feel, I don't know of any other places where we could open our hearts and and share such personal information, all I know is when people share thier strories their struggles, it humbles me, for I sometimes lack the courage or know how to articulate my feelings, and then someone with courage comes a long and tells my story, in their own words, thankyou.
