The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thumbing through the C2C meditation book the other day, looking for a topic for a meeting and came across one that "I" had written in the margin that wasn't in the index. I had entitled it "illusions" because that seemed to me to be the focus of the reading on July 26, pg 208 of the book.
The first sentence of the reading caught my eye, "I'm learning to identify illusions that make my life unmanageable." This really hit home for me, because I have just gone through a divorce and I have set up for myself many illusions. One of which was that my A husband and I might get back together someday. Another was that I might find comfort in another man's arms and immediately started dating other men. Neither was the solace that I was looking for. In fact, just the opposite, it caused me many heartaches and caused the men that I was dating, much disappointment, because basically I wasn't ready for another relationship of any kind.
I found myself caught up in many "illusions". The "illusion" that another man could solve my problems. The "illusion" that my husband might quit drinking, get a job and be the husband and father that he should be. This was not to be the case in either scenerio.
I literally ended up hurting 3 different men by spreading myself out too equally between them. Leading them each on in a different way, producing an "illusion" for myself which is called denial of the situation, and hurting a lot of people in the wake of my confused state.
Another statement made in July 26th reading is, "Another illusion is that I have a big hole inside and I must fill it with something from outside myself."
I think for me that "hole inside myself" I was trying to fill with the love of another man. It did not work. I still felt empty. I am a very spiritual person and I know that the only entity that will fill that hole is my HP, whom I chose to call God, but for some reason the human side of me wants to believe that I need "human touch" to make the "hole" go away.
I am in a Divorcce Care class at church that recommends 1 year of recovery for every 4 years of marriage. My husband and I were married for 3 years and together for 4, so that basically means, by those calculations, that I should wait a year. I know everyone and every situation is different, but for me that seems to be a good gauge. We were divorced Aug. 25 of this year.
I am right now trying to decide whether to keep dating the main guy that I have been seeing (I finally broke it off with ex-husband and 3rd guy), or whether I should quit seeing him too. This is a very hard decision for me to make, as I believe that we have both become quite co-dependent on each other. I am afraid of hurting him and he has fallen madly in love with me in the period of one month of dating. Is that possible? I have to wonder. I am questioning my "love" for him after having just come out of the previous relationship and still have feelings for my ex-husband.
As you can see, I am one crazy, mixed up chick! I just needed to get this off my chest and see what e,s, & h you all had to offer!
Thanks in advance for your response to this post. Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I have dated one or two people since I left the A. This is incredibly light dating, no commitment. I would venture to say both were disappointed that I was not available in a different way for them. Personally I am no longer responsible for other people's needs. I am responsible for mine. I dated, it was not compatible. I am not the only person in a relationship. 50% of it was them. 50% of it was that they (not me) wanted to rush into something I was not interested in. I was incredibly honest about where I was coming from and my availability. Yet both of them wanted more.
I don't think you have "hurt" anyone. Dating is a risk. Dating is exploration. Dating is not a commitment to be in a serious relationship. Dating is about getting to know someone and see if there is something there. Nothing more nothing less.
I don't think you are responsible for anyone else's issues but your own (apart from your immediate family of course as they are dependent on you).
I can only speak as an observer. From what I've seen over the years on MIP, dating soon after parting ways with the addict leads to ..for lack of a better word, more drama.
We've heard over and over that we must fix ourselves before we jump in to another relationship. We may have already found Alanon and done much work on ourselves, but looking at ourselves "within" a relationship needs a good long look too. Due to lonliness, a feeling of lack, or some other individual reason, people immediately begin to date again. Maybe it's like replacing an old dog with a new puppy, I don't know.
I can understand why one should give time to healing and grieving, for finding themselves again, creating new boundaries, not only finding independence again, but feeling it.
You stated your new guy and you are co-dependent on eachother. That in itself seems like starting off on the wrong foot. Especially if it's a "I need you to need me" situation. Relationships grounded in "need" can end up in a obsessive, desperate or abusive situations, instead of healthy relations born of love and respect.
We've heard that an alcoholic is emotionally stunted when they begin to drink. The same goes for our disease, though it is rarely addressed. Thank HP I have a awesome sponsor (akin to a wise sage) that pointed this out. Living with alcoholism, we've been stunted in many social and mental development skills ourselves. Our quest to be in healthy relationships without learning these skills is part of what allows us to keep making the same mistakes.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aloha and Mahalo OC....Whoa is this a huge red flag for me and I finally arrived at a truism several years after getting into the program. "My problem is me!! and my only solutions is God!!" I am not a religious person but that became my mantra. Where ever I go, that's where I'm at and....the problem is there in me. "I am powerless doesn't change with geography or population". I am powerless is a personal statement of myself and my condition. The problem runs in cycles, "What goes around comes around" and I am the one going around. It can only be inevitable if I rely upon myself without this program of life. I will quietly slip into the room of illusions and leave my experiences and tool box of new real tools outside the door. I end up where I started, sad, hurt, resentful and angry again with the confusion of how did this happen again and why can't I have what it is that I want? I realize that I didn't hear the answers to that question earlier from inside the meeting rooms from our experiences and if I did I fell back into the illusion that my earlier problems were not really that serious and I could have it my way for now. Only a power greater than myself, this awesome program and a sponsor to match who I am willing to work with and listen to open mindedly and with courage (to change the things that I can) do I have a chance at reality. I know of no other way but then I'm free to think I do and try any other process real or unreal...sane or insane (last word of the 2nd step).
Please keep coming back...I do need your esh. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 13th of October 2009 04:05:22 PM
Personally I know that if anyone puts out the maxim don't have a relationship for a certain amount of time, my immediate reaction is to run into one. I have to do the relationship issue one day at a time. At some point I will date again. Dating does not mean that I am responsible for any one else's feelings or needs. Someday I may get a relationship if I don't I am not going to die over it.
Overcome wrote:Another statement made in July 26th reading is, "Another illusion is that I have a big hole inside and I must fill it with something from outside myself."
I think for me that "hole inside myself" I was trying to fill with the love of another man. It did not work. I still felt empty. I am a very spiritual person and I know that the only entity that will fill that hole is my HP, whom I chose to call God, but for some reason the human side of me wants to believe that I need "human touch" to make the "hole" go away.
. Overcome
Overcome, thank you for referring me to that page. I believe I lived a great deal of my life in ILLUSION. I reread the page and the following really spoke to me
l'It wasn't until I saw through the illusion that I was deficient , and needed to look outside myself for wholeness, that I began to heal.
Alanon , gave me the tools to focus on myself, value honesty, and humility and live without denial and pretend. What great gifts !!!! I am forever grateful
Thank you again for the topic on" Illusions".
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 13th of October 2009 08:07:14 PM
Illusions, I'm dyslexhic and to me I can make an anagram of deluded? I was, and have been, I created a lovely illusion, I wrote the srcipt and played all the parts myself, the trouble thing was I was missing out on real life, how many hours weeks months years, I waisted on illusions, there is knack to living in the now, the answers though are all right here in the magic of mip.
Well, that formula puts me at about 5 years out for recovery. Hmm.... since I am not "officially" divorced yet, maybe my 5 yrs hasn't started yet? To be honest, that seems about right. The thought of dating terrifies me. I fantasize about it (meaning thoughts of someone caring about and focusing on me), but I realize it is just that, a fantasy. What has really come to light over the past couple of years as life as I knew it fell apart, is that I wasn't happy (even though I thought I was) and have a whole lot of cr** to deal with before I can find my true joy and really engage in a healthy relationship. It really was an illusion.
So, time to start dealing with it... made a call for a new counselor yesterday. Will be my third, each with a different purpose. The first was dealing with the discovery of addiction and all the hideous ramifications, the second (through my insurance) helped me deal with navigating a divorce, and now I move onto me, my childhood demons, and to explore who I am and why I am a valuable person all by myself. Yes, my toughest mission yet.
Thanks for sharing, Overcome. Not easy stuff, but it helps many.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I know I lived my life full of illusion around the ex A. I had to. Reality was too painful. I also know in recovery that no matter how much I disagree that people are in my life for a reason. When I get the reason the issue of the relationship becomes much much less fraught with anxiety and fear and problems.
I think that's one way I work the steps as the more I delve the more I understand that I'm here on a journey rather than just having a nightmare.
