The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been away for weekend to visit frail, elderly father who is in a nursing home 120 miles from my home. Had a nice weekend as went with son, daughter and her fiance and we enjoyed being together, eating out,etc.
Came back from just 2 nights away to find AH had not eaten for 2 days, had done nothing apart from drink and smoke and was clearly unwell. He is a very sick, shambling wreck of an alcoholic. How on earth can I walk out on him? I have loved him for the greater part of 37+ years and, as a nurse, I have taken care of people all my life.
Son and I are due to go away for 4 nights 1st week of Nov to house, dogs and chickens - sit for a friend (who will be away) in rural Wiltshire (UK). This is meant to be a de-stressing break for both of us - but I fear we will just spend the time worrying about what we will find when we get home.
You didn't casue it! You can't control it! You can't cure it!
You have given him 37+ years of your life. How much have you given up in that time, how many times have you sacrificed in that time.
Imagine yourself in a hula-hoop. Everything in that hula-hoop is yours to control. Everything outside of it, you have no ability to control.
He is going to drink if that is what he wants to do even if you are there.
I look back to all those times that I loved and cared for my "A" and now I ask myself would he have hit his bottom by now if I had stopped cushioning his bottom?
My "A" is on his way out of the house right now. To live on his own and to take care of himself. I am terrified because I know he takes better care of him when I am around. But today I am choosing to cut my tether to him and no longer try to control a his disease. It is not my war it is his and his alone. He knows I love him. He knows I am worried for him and he knows where to get help, he did it before all without me :)
Take care of you dear lady.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Son and I are due to go away for 4 nights 1st week of Nov to house, dogs and chickens - sit for a friend (who will be away) in rural Wiltshire (UK). This is meant to be a de-stressing break for both of us - but I fear we will just spend the time worrying about what we will find when we get home.
Hi Taty, De stressing breaks are very important. I am glad you are planning it.
I hear you and understand your anxiety and fear about leaving . I have felt the same bu found that I could go as long as I tried to take care of myself in the process.
You have already been reminded of the 3 Cs and that we are powerless over alcohol.
Please consider taking your courage to change and ODAT with you for the weekend. Check out the area where you will be staying and see if a meeting is being held there and also try to come on here to the chat room and the meetings as well.
If you like you can leave food at home that can easily be prepared and let go and let god for the 4 days a moment at a time.
Tatty...take CAL (Conference Approved Literature) with you on the destress. A merry-go-round called denial, So you love and alcoholic, To the wife of an alcoholic and more that you can get your hands on including any of the daily readers. I believe that there is also (gotta check) one that talks about "when helping makes it worse." I go check to see if that is around here.
Thank you. I am always cheered by the messages on here. I can be so low but somehow you manage to lift my mood. MIP indeed!
Had a long chat with friend last night. She said she has another friend who would be able to take over at a moment's notice if there was an emergency and I had to leave. So - I am still planning to go and will try not to feel worry/guilt or any other of those useless emotions (well useless when applied to my AH!)
I used to absolutely worry myself sick about the ex a. I left him 2 years ago. He was a shell, desperate, sick, penniless. Guess what I believe he is still alive and going on. He has some new codependents who take on his issues. My big ego felt I was the one who held him together he found other substitutes pretty quickly. That is the way he is and probably the way he will always be.
Hello Tatty , there is nothing u can do for your husb , if u stay home he will drink anyway , I know u know that . We have choices u can stay and watch him or go with your son and enjoy the time away from a stressful situation . Allowing husb the dignity to live his life the way he chooses is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life , I know exactly how you feel . hugs remember that your husb has a highter power too . that is something I always forgot . Louise
