The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is in recovery and has been for a little over two years. He went to rehab a little over two years ago because of his performance at work. He managed to maintain his sobriety 6 months and then he struggled for about a year and a half off and on the wagon. In August I was away on a business trip. He drank all evening and woke up drunk and tried to go to work. He totaled the car and got a DUI (his first). He has gone back to meetings and he is seeing a counselor weekly, but today I found out he has been drinking I found a bottle in the new car. I am so annoyed with him. I called him on it, he owned it and realizes the consequenses and he is saying all the right things. He is at a meeting now. He did manage to keep his job when he went to rehab, and we are are both well educated professionals and earn a good living. We have a young child. I am just really tired of spinning my wheel because of his alcohol problem. I accept I can't contol his drinking. I get his recovery is his deal. I really don't want a divorce. I don't nag him, I don't drink, I am really supportive of his recovery. In many ways I feel numb and I accept where he is in his situation and pray for the best. I have been to alanon meetings but I tend to get feel badly because my situation though it is annoying is not as bad as other peoples problems and I end up minimizing my concerns. I am hoping this on line forum gives me an outlet without giving me the guilt that I feel (because my situaiton is not that bad) at face to face meetings.
Aloha Frustrated..."minimizing" there you go that's a real enabling term and I use to do the same thing when I first got into recovery and then was taught not to look at the differences between their stories and mine but the similarities and get the denial out. When I got to the rooms of Al-Anon there was nothing left of me and for me to standup with and still in the meetings I minimized the seriousness of my condition. I was on the verge of suicide and still things weren't "that" bad. Today I can't look at that picture without responding HUH? Looking for the similarities and getting as much information as I could on the disease and it's insane and often fatal characteristics woke me up. I was in very serious poop!! When I looked at some of the negative milestones that other members had reached and I didn't seem to have I was told "yet"...I haven't reached it yet. When I did the inventory of what the disease had taken...including the jobs, cash, houses and more I was amazed that I could have minimized and denied so deeply that I didn't see it all sliding into the sewer.
Next meeting you go to either secretary it and choose minimizing as the subject or suggest that the meeting be done on it. I going to do that also...thanks!!
Keep coming back...It's great that you have begun the meeting part of the program. (((((hugs)))))
Minimizing...a meeting topic that I've never had, but sounds like a good one to me too!!! I think I too have used minimizing as a coping skill. If I don't recognize it, then it can't hurt me, right? How many times have we closed our eyes and thought, "this isn't really happening..."? (I also swing to the other end of the spectrum, with "maximizing" and over-reacting, as a coping skill.) With alanon's help, I am learning to be more balanced, to recognize reality and my feelings to/about it, and respond accordingly, rather than either putting my blinders on and ignoring it or reacting in a hostile and irrational way. Wow, do I have work to do, but alanon helps me to keep it real. Reading alanon literature helps me to relate and recognize my situation for what it is.
My x-aH is a very kind person. He's not abusive physically. He's not had DUI's or been in trouble with the law (not that he didn't deserve them, he's just never been caught!). He's a good person. And he has an addiction problem that I've been very affected by.
I've come to realize that Alanon accepts ALL people affected by alcoholism in a relative or friend. Each situation is different. And in each situation there is commonality.
I've been going to Alanon for nearly 10 months straight now. For the first several months I really disliked going. It was uncomfortable and caused anxiety. Sometimes I was bitter about the people there. Sometimes I thought I was better than them. Sometimes they irritated me. But I kept going because I knew (and still know) that I am not operating correctly with all that I've become in my own craziness.
I kept going and I found the people started to change. (insert sly smile)
Those same people that irritated me, I've started to connect with. I've started to understand better. And I feel I am also understood better now too. Those same people inspire me, lend me their strengh and hope when I can't drudge up any of my own. I listen to the shares in the rooms of alanon..sometimes leaving me thankful for the blessings that I do have in my life, sometimes leaving me inspired to try harder and do better. The wisdom and tools shared at alanon meetings are gifts to me and are helping me to improve on myself and improve my life. I can let go of the useless coping skills that I had become so attached to and replace them with skills that work a little better for me.
as they say, keep coming back, it works if you work it!
Sometimes we are in denial and we just plain don't see or feel things entirely yet. It is too p ainful. Somehow I believe looking at the situation, it is more than annoying.
He is very, very sick. It does not get better. He can go into recovery, maybe last a long time on his program. Most have to go to AA almost every day, they have a plan for every day, one at a time.
Being professional or a average person living check to check, addiction is not selective. They are born with it.
The disease will tear everything apart the same with everyone. It is scarey how, being here all these years, the stories are almost all the same.
In my experience I learned that "calling" him on it would be like him telling me, you ate a donut! NONE of his business. Their recovery and disease is their own. Al Anon teaches us we are powerless, we can do nothing. So why make an issue out of any of it. Is totally his business.
We hopefully can learn how to change ourselves so we can live with our loved one, accept them as is and be ok. It can be done.
Glad you are here. We have meetings here and a chat room too. Face to face meetings are great. Being there helps others believe me. The more you go the better you will be to face the things that are coming, good or bad. Education and knowledge are priceless!
the only requirement to be a member of al-anon is to have been affected by anothers drinking, and it doesn't say to what extent.
I think I understand what you're sharing, I do recall being so sensitive to other members shares, my heart ached, (especially those with active children and still does)
Some have A's years in recovery and keep coming back working it for themselves (and I'm ever so grateful they do).
My f2f has a Beginners and a Regular Meeting afterwards there's an ol'timer in the group who keeps coming back and I recall wondering why an oldtimer would attend a Beginners? He said without hearing their stories he could easily forget what brought him through the doors. It was then I understood why sharing is such a an important part of this program, not only to the newcomer but the ol'timer just as well.
It's said no situation is truly unique, we understand as few other can, by working it the family situation is bound to improve and that our best thinking got us here... the watchful eye, the covering up - well, The Four M's: Managing, Manipulating, Martyrdom and Mothering.
If you haven't already gotten one, I would recommend a Beginners Packet from your f2f (there's a bunch of great pamphlets within it), a daily reader, and perhaps a bigger read like How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friend of Alcoholics.
Have you seen if they have Beginner Meetings in your area? They focus more on the first three Steps; The Three C's; The Slogans; and the Serenity Prayer. If there isn't a newcomer, others may openly share how their week went and I find it can be very comforting member to member that way.
Hope you will keep coming back, working it for you because you are worth it :) tea2
You are in the right place. Please keep coming back and sharing. I too understand the feelings about face to face meetings. Try the one line meetings here and the chat room. It is important to share and to know that you are not alone.
I too was in your situation. My husband never got a DUI, went to jail etc. I came to learn that none of that mattered. What mattered was how his drinking made "me" feel. It was then I could connect with my fellow members. No one compares feelings. Hurt is hurt.
I also want to tell you that my husband, after over 20 years of drinking is now coming up on his 4 yr. sober anniversary. It CAN get better for them too.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(insert sly smile)