The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not perfect, but I am not a bad mom, as AH wants me to believe. I am the one who is with my kids 95% of the time. He is busy coaching during the week and/or going to the gym after work and coming home when he feels like it, and then binge drinking on the weekends, staying out until 5 a.m. and spending the daylight hours in bed recovering. Today he got home at 5:00 p.m. after coaching, and I had just spent the past three hours (after working all day) picking up the kids, supervising their homework, doing laundry, doing dishes, getting school backpacks and lunches ready, etc. etc. etc. He came home and complained about coaching and I said, unwisely, that it was "better than being here." All I meant was that my afternoons are not fun and games like his coaching is. He immediately turned into Father of the Year and criticized me for saying that, and told me to "go somewhere" if I needed to get away from the kids. When I said I was fine, just had a busy afternoon, he left and took the kids to the park. Once again he is the "fun dad" when he feels like it, but forget about asking him to help with the kids' homework or anything important like that. I suspect I am in for a not-so-fun evening when he gets home. I know his disease is talking, he hasn't had a drink since Sunday and he must be having serious withdrawal symptoms by now, but that is no reason to treat me like I am a bad mom.
SW, You're absolutely right, it is the disease talking. Alcoholics are experts in blowing someone elses candle out to make theirs look brighter. It helps them not to look at themselves by putting the focus on you instead of them. If he can make you appear to be bad, then what he's doing just can't beas bad. It's a fairly common behavior amongst addicts. Please try not to take it personally. What is really showing is the disdain and contempt he has for himself.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
And sometimes we just have to be grateful for the little things. Taking the kids to the park might have been done to help ease your stress and I don't know of too many kids that I worked with in my career who didn't naturally love their Dad alcoholic, addict or whatever. That isn't an issue. You're not a bad mom and what you do is very supportive and loving. I'd suggest that you not let any resentments you have for the alcoholic interfere with how you show love.
Take your right hand and swing it over your left shoulder and pat yourself on the back and then swing your left hand over your right shoulder and pat yourself on the back and then give yourself a hug especially if the alcoholic isn't into that right now.
You and He might have some negative stuff going on right now that is making it almost impossible to not react to. Maybe a non-threatening "sit down" and just talk about how things are going for you without blaming or sounding like you're blaming and then listening to what's going on with him. Time limit it (boundary) and set conditions (boundary) and express gratitudes when it is done.
It takes a good program to get that done. Al-Anon is available.
i used to get a little resentful of my aH and his laxidaisyical lifestyle when he and I were living together. In my perspective at that time he never seemed willing or caring enuf to make the family a priority. He always seemed to manage to have "ME" time even in the midst of high family demands and chaos. I was so angry because I thought because he wasn't doing it all, then obviously I HAD to.
I am beginning to see it differently a little bit now. The problem was not so much that he was having "ME" time all the time, the problem was that I WASN'T.
I've been incorporating ME time into my life now, wayyyy more than ever before. I'm building myself a life....a life that I longed for for many disgruntled years.
Do you have a chance for YOU time? I work fulltime too and am currently a single Mom. When my paid workday ends, then my next unpaid job begins. I love being a Mom, but it can be a lot of pressure sometimes and frustration comes easily somedays. that ME time has become a pretty critical part of my life now, to keep me balanced and stable. ME time often includes going to Alanon meetings.
I am sorry you had a bad day and that you are feeling resentful. At least he heard you and was listening that you were tired and feeling overwhelmed. When he gets back don't fight with him, ask him and the kids if they had fun and move on. Have you tried counseling it seems that his bad times have taken a toll on you and you might benefit from rebuilding your self eestem.
Just wanted to say, boy do I understand!!!! My husband does similar things and he doesn't have a job. I work and then come home to take care of our two little ones and he has the nerve to tell me that I need to do something around the house. What? What does he do all day? H eis in recovery now so things are a a little bit better. I have only been to two Al Anon meetings because I can't get childcare to go more than that. I just wonder if we will ever have a "normal" life again. Hang in there!
