The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In all my time I've spent in al-anon, I STILL have a difficult time remembering I'm dealing with the disease and not my husband. I found myself chanting "It's the disease. It's the disease. It's the disease." over and over and over the other night because I've been so ANGRY with AH. Trying to direct the anger at the disease and not him. (What snapped me out of the anger tirade to chanting "it's the disease" over and over was that I pictured myself railing at my AH's Higher Power the way I was railing at AH... and that stopped me dead in my tracks.)
So when I woke up yesterday morning I was wondering how I can start remembering it's the disease. Since I seem to forget so quickly and easily.
So I set up my phone to set off a random daily alarms with the text, "It's the disease." followed by the abbreviated versions of steps one, two and three: "I can't. God can. I'll let Him." and a note with the serenity prayer.
And then I remembered I can set whatever image I want for my contacts which shows up when they call me and I call them on the phone. So I created an image that again says "It's the disease. I can't. God can. I'll let Him." and this image appears every time he calls me and every time I call him. (Which, I realize might appear kind of funny... like "ooh, it's The Disease calling!!" but I don't mean it in that context... just a gentle reminder that I'm conversing with a sick person 90% of the time.)
So, I'm curious... how do you remind yourself you're dealing with the disease. How do you place principles above personalities when the AH in your life is doing those things alcoholics do best?
Aloha Sis...I love this post. It is soooo important and was soooo important for me to learn also back then. Since my focus is on how I react or respond to others that is my first key. If my reaction or response is sideways from rational it is a sign that I need to inventory what is going on and who I am participating with and how am I participating. My relationship with the alcoholic was as a "fixer" and "enabler" so when I was reacting or responding to her alcoholic personality and behaviors I was doing that with the alcoholic and the disease that drove her mind, body, spirit and emotions. When the situation I was reacting to or being invited to react to was crazy...mentally and emotionally fractured or bizarre it was the disease and I set myself up to behave oppositionally...sanely and with tools...patience, reflectiveness, respect, compassion (not pity) boundaries and goals on how I wanted the matter to come out for me. Yes I chanted also as that is a tool. I have learned to go to my Higher Power with the question "How do you want me to respond in this matter and is there anything here you see that I can help with?"
I'm always focused on peace of mind and serenity so that is the major goal. I'm always focused on not fracturing the relationship with my Higher Power so that is also a most important goal. I am next focused on not making things worse because that usually is worse for me. I let my alcoholic teach me about when she could do life in a reasonable, rational manner and when she could or would not. I participated in the reasonable and learned how to back away from the other.
I didn't always blame the disease for the dysfunction because alcoholic is/was not the first and only thing she was or is or I am etc.
Another help is looking at the picture thru the definition of dis-ease; the lack of calmness and serenity.
After a while you arrive at the point of intuition and you find a natural peace that becomes home.
Keep coming back...thanks for the share...(((((hugs)))))
Detachment is so key for me. That and acceptance. I live surrounded by alcoholics. Of course their diseases affect me. I do set tremendous limits on what I will put up with. I pull back. I really have to look at my expectations.
When my A was active, like maresie, I used a lot of detachment a lot. I came to believe that it really made no difference to me whether it was him or the disease. He was going to do what he was going to do no matter the label I gave it. I concentrated on me, did my very best not to react because that only affected me. For all the anger and resentment I had, it didn't bother him a bit. It was me that was the basket case. He always did the same thing no matter what...drank.
My mantra became "I choose peace". I chose peace not for him, but for me. Choosing peace reminded me of how upset I would get if I didn't choose it. I was responsible for my serenity, only me. When we choose, we are also choosing to accept the consequences of those choices. I read that statement somewhere and it stuck with me. I think it was the book "The Laws of Spirit" by Dan Millman (great book).
So why would I purposely choose to be angry when I knew the consequence was tears, inner rage, disgust, resentment and whatever defeating feelings I conjured up.
I use "I choose peace" almost every day for any given situation. Sometimes I have a little outburst first, but ultimately I always center myself again with that 3 word mantra.
...and ya know...whether it is them or the disease, we aren't required to like it. It's just best for me to remember not to own it, it's theirs. That goes for pretty much everyone in my life.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
When I finally started to 'get' the concept that a disease was behind my AH's behavior and thinking, I chose to visualise the disease as something like an evil spirit that could be vaguely seen inside(by my imagination) inside my AH. I do not characterise myself as Christian persay. I simply believe that this disease is like a parasite that lives in, feeds off of, and eventually kills, its host. In the process, it also infects everyone else it comes into contact with.
I know, I have quite an imagination, but growing up with livestock, the concept wasn't a far stretch.
Anyway, that is what helps me to remember, even now that AH has 2 years sober.
The mantra's work, too. I used the serentity prayer a lot. It all really helped. As I started to see the disease separate from my AH, I was able to really not take things he did/said personally, and really see the pain he held inside of himself. And that is really where all his terrible behavior came from, anyway.
Anyway, I hope something in this helps.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am amazed at how I can tuck away "it's a disease" in my mind and start believing this person is NOT sick, despite abstainence from the alcohol. I struggle alot with holding the A accountable and allowing them to suffer consequences AND writing all the "bad" behavior off as being part of the disease.
As I read these shares I am seeing that the disease is always there. It is his job to manage it. When he doesn't, I get mad. I realize my 'getting mad' has no function other than making me crazy, fighting lions.
Thank you so much for sharing what I needed to HEAR today :)
I have heard that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the thing to work out right.Why do you not treat your husban as a whole person?Hold him accountable for his misdeeds, verbal abuse, and not hold his addiction.In addition, it seems, maybe you are using his disease as an excuse to overlook his accountability and not have to go through the scary job of recognizing your own feelings and the hard job of setting enforced boundaries.Being that I believe most co-dependent women are relationship addicted and surely will go to self-denial length not to be alone.I found out after several years of being alone is much comfortable. I have moments of loneliness depending on circumstances, but generally I am not lonely.
This is just my opinion gained from much experience.
For me, I am recognizing that when I am not at peace, and I am being judgmental and reactive, WHO IS THAT? It's the exact same thing I am facing in my alcoholic. The ego. The dis-ease.
For me, the 12 steps are all about breaking down my ego and living along spiritual lines. I'm finding I really only have one problem... it's when I separate myself from my HP. Love and tolerance are the characteristics of being connected. I tend to be much more compassionate toward my A when I see the problem is also in ME. It dissolves my superiority complex.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
For me, it is repeating the whole "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it" over and over in my head, and of course the serenity prayer - I also keep a little sheet in my wallet where I had written out about a year ago, all the positives about my AH, the qualities I love - so when "stinkin thinkin'" comes to town, I can rebel against it :)
The best advice I ever got was to Treat everyone I meet as IF they were alcoholic , which made no sence to me at the time , today it means work my program in all my relationships , detatch . live an let live , accept who they are , One day at a time . it works. Al-Anon responses makes it all simple .
