The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, my very best friend called me. I live downstairs from her. Her brother and sister in law were over, she was checking into rehab again. This is her second time, and she promised before to the doctors that she would stop drinking. The problem is that anytime there is a problem she can't handle she drinks. When we get together she does not appear to be drunk. So she could have started after I left for the evening. She didn't tell me that she was having problems and started drinking. She didn't tell her family the last time either. If I had known, maybe I would have said something to her family even though it is not my responsibility to do so. I am supposed to be her cloest friend in the whole world, so if I am all that she says why didn't she trust me enough to talk to me and tell me she was having problems again. I would have gone with her to talk to her family or whatever she wanted. I feel hurt and betrayed, and the last thing I want her to do is feel guilty. I want her to get the help she needs. Is there a way to tell her when she comes home without making her feel guilty. Her father said to me today that he wished I had told him that she was having problems. I can't tell someone something if I don't know or am not told. Since i can't read minds, how can I do this. And is it my responsibilty to do so? I told him that I couldn't because I didn't know until last night that she was drinking again.
I'm sorry to hear that her father felt it was your responsibility to tell him his daughter was sick.
The thing is, it is NOT your responsibility. Getting her to stop drinking, getting her better, keeping her family informed on her behaviors and whereabouts... all of that is NOT your responsibility.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
It is HER responsibility and no one else's to get better. Not even her concerned parents can do this for her.
Check your local phone book and find yourself some Al-Anon meetings. I suggest getting over to one. You're going to meet a LOT of people who can relate very closely to you... feeling hurt and betrayed and somehow responsible for everyone else's behaviors.
Ditto what Aloha said. I might add that alcoholism is cunning and baffling. Please try not to feel slighted that she did not confide in you. Alcoholics tend to hide and protect their disease so it can survive. Along with that there is the shame she probably felt in not being able to control it..
The parents are also looking for someone to blame. It doesn't appear they have investigated Alanon which would most likely benifit everyone, including your friend. Phone 1-888-4alanon to find a meeting near you.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Thursday 8th of October 2009 07:25:44 PM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Enmeshment is a big part of dealing with relationships with an active alcoholic. They are not responsible, everything is a secret and everyone else is supposed to take responsibility. Of course you are upset. There are limits on what anyone can do if someone is in their alcoholism.
You are absolutely in the right place coming here. I hope you will dive in, go to meetings, get as many texts as you can can build a skill base.
Aloha Mel...and ditto what Aloha suggested. Many of the membership here are "in the program" and have been where you are at right now. That is why we can relate. One of the early lessons I got was about "taking blame" while the disease was raging in my family and then in two of my marriages. I always was up to taking blame and then learned no one asked me to. LOL I found permission to stop and now I don't take blame at all. I take responsibility for my own self and my choices...what I don't like I change. Keep coming back and get to those meetings.
I, too have internalized the blame from the A and what COULD have happened had I stepped in. I work on realizing that my part has less to do with doing something for the A, rather than getting out of the way so that they can make their own decisions.
You're not alone. Keep coming back!! I am dealing with a recently relapse from my boyfriend and I too am battling the feelings of betrayal and anger and budding resentment - baffled as to why he couldn't just pick up the phone.
One thing I learned over the years with my own family, is that when I felt "betrayed" it was usually because I felt that I had some kind of power over them, and it was MY control issues rearing it's head. Once I realized that my betrayed feelings were coming from my need to try to control situations and people, it was easier to let that go...it is still so very hard though - to sit back and watch those we love slowly killing themselves....."hugs"
I would believe you feel betrayed and hurt because you have not learned that she has a disease. The disease is controlling her, she is basically insane when she uses.
So I would ask you, can a disease make you feel betrayed and hurt? Your friend is very sick, it is not her behaving badly. The friend you know is inside her being held captive by a horrible disease.
You are a very compassionate, your friend will be very happy for you to stand by her as she hopefully starts a recovery program.
