The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I met a guy about 3 months ago. We instantly clicked and shared such strong feelings for each other and expressed so much and told each other everything. I knew he was a drinker, but at the age of 23, I never suspected he was an alcoholic. He moved in within a few weeks, and our relationship was fantastic, but also overly emotional. He would get drunk and break down in tears and tell me everything, and I would respond with comfort, and tell him everything about myself as well. It was such an amazing bond between two people. He sometimes would say things like "You're going to end up hating me. You're going to hurt me." and I never understood how that was possible. By that time, I had already fallen in love with him. He told me he was a pathological liar. He told me that I was going to leave him. I knew I never would, because i'm not that kind of person.
So the relationship continued, and more and more things got overly emotional. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was reacting to his drunken actions. He would be cold and I would think it had something to do with me. I kept thinking I was the problem. I was fueling his drinking, and enabling him by letting him stay with me, and buying him alcohol, and taking care of him. I still didn't understand all of that.
We reached a point where we decided the emotions were too heavy, and he should go back to his place. So, he did. When he got there, he drank. He drank for days. He didn't call, I worried. Once again, I beat myself up thinking I was the problem. I had been going to AA meetings because my mother, although not an alcoholic, is a controlling person and I wanted to learn how to set boundaries. Finally it hit me, It wasn't me. It was his drinking. He wasn't calling me because he didn't care, he wasn't calling me because he's an alcoholic. He has alcohol at home and that's all he needs. I decided that I was going to have a talk with him, so I wrote him a letter. I told him that he was an amazing, talented person, and that I loved him dearly, and I would be there for him regardless of the outcome. He tried to detox, he lasted 2 days.
This weekend we broke up. He told me he didn't "feel" anything for me. There was no chemistry. He thought I was beautiful, he loves me, he cares about me, he loves everything we have in common, but he doesn't feel for me. Most sober people can read that and know that logistically it doesn't make any sense. I had to understand the fact that he can't feel anything. I took a step back and realized that his drinking brought me so far down with him. It destroyed me, and my life, from the very beginning. I wrote him another letter telling him that I cannot be around when he drinks. I can't continue to let his alcoholism affect my life. Once again, he broke down. He's reachable, in that sense. He will break down and cry, and you can tell he feels helpless.
We got into a big fight that exact same night. He got drunk and reversed everything. He told me he didn't care, and that he knew he was going to die, and he didn't have anyone in his life. He found out I had slept with someone else while we were broken up and it killed him inside, because he's a very jealous person. He stormed out of my house and wouldn't answer his phone, or his door. I spoke with his aunt who told me to let go. She said he's an adult and he has to want to quit. He's burned a million bridges and lied a million times, and nobody in his life will put up with it anymore. His mother doesn't want him, his aunt doesn't want him, he doesn't have any friends outside of myself and his roomate. That's all he has. He says he wants to go see his mom in new mexico and sober up, but his mom doesn't want him there. He has no means of getting there. I realized how truly alone this person is, and it broke my heart.
I went over to his house a few hours ago and talked to a shell of a person. He layed face down in his bed, and didn't respond to anything I said to him. I told him that I loved him, and he was my best friend. I told him he had to want to quit and I can't fix him. I told him that if he needed help all he had to do is ask. I told him i was there for him. He responded with "Just move on. Just go about your life. I'm a lost cause." He's dead inside, and I can see it in his eyes. It's hard to love an alcoholic. It's harder to love an alcoholic who is all alone. I don't want to watch someone die alone. I don't want him to not have anyone there for him. I wouldn't want that to happen to me.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I said what I needed to say to him and I'm going to let him be. I'm going to let him live his life and work on myself in the meantime and let him come to me when he is ready. This of course, is easier said than done. I do worry about him, constantly. I don't want anyone to feel the way he feels. I know I can't fix him but I also can't turn this off in my brain.
Anything will help at this point. Advice, anything.
Aloha - In Al-Anon we don't give advice or make suggestions on what to do in regards to your relationship with the alcoholic.
I know the answers didn't start to come to me until I started attending Al-Anon meetings. Gradually the behaviors of my alcoholic... the lies, the broken promises, the brief attempts to improve his life, the relapses all started to make sense... and the beautiful thing I learned about it is that I was NOT responsible for my alcoholic's behavior, choices, actions, words.
It was a relief knowing I didn't have to take the blame for anything my AH does. It was also a relief knowing it is NOT my responsibility to get him better, either.
So, I'm not going to give you any advice on what to do or say to your alcoholic. The advice I'll give is to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon (not AA) meetings - attend as many as you can in the next week. Get to six before you decide if the program is for you or not. If you decide it's worthwhile to you, then I'd recommend finding a sponsor and start working the steps.
You said it right you can't fix him.... only he has that power....maybe he should get sober first and then go and see his mom....I am sure she loves him after all that is her son and you have no idea what he has put her thru.
Alcoholics and addicts lie all the time......you can tell when they are telling a lie because their lips are moving.
You said, this relationship is only 3 months long.....well maybe you should step back and take a harder look on what you are getting yourself into....trust me I was married for 22 yrs to an A and the first 18 were pretty darn good.
Try putting the focus on you for awhile and let him deal with his own issues because after all only he can get the help he needs for himself......just my opinion.
Welcome to MIP, try to get yourself to some face to face alanon meetings,
Alcoholism is painful for everyone, that is why they call it a family disease. It sounds to me like alcoholism has been a part of his life for quite some time. His family is doing what they have to do to protect themselves. They have created boundaries and understand that what they are doing is best for him. They have probably been manipulated and lied to and have been forced to this point.
We all make choices in our lives and we can only make them for ourselves. For every choice we make there is a consequence. His choices have taken him down a road of destruction of self and loss of family.....and still, he has not hit bottom. His continuance to choose alcohol over everything and everyone else has brought him to where he is. You won't change that.
What you choose from this point on is up to you. I would hope foremost you continue to choose your own well being. As you've mentioned, in 3 mo. you feel it has destroyed you. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You made an excellent boundary in saying that " I cannot be around when he drinks. I can't continue to let his alcoholism affect my life", but boundaries are useless unless you can stick to them.
Please find an Alanon meeting where you can begin to heal and discover and put to use the survival tools that you'll need.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi KS.......thank you for sharing. You seem very aware of the chaos that alcoholism brings and have set a boundary already.......well done.
I would agree with Christy and say his alcoholism is not new, it sounds as though his family also have boundaries in place. Your A has made a choice to drink and his choice has consequences.
A's are very good at the 'poor me's'....... poor me, poor me, poor (pour) me another drink.
I hope you keep coming back here, maybe find a face to face meeting......I know my sanity was (is) saved by both
Aloha KS...With the others here I am in support. The suggestions and feedback you have already received can save your sanity if you follow up on it. I pray that you will. There will be one less victim to the disease of alcoholism.
