The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last couple of days have been crying days for me and I'm not really sure why, I miss him, it still hurts, is this EVER going to go away and get better????
As for me, I am doing well with my self improvement thing. I have had a few days of drinking, smoking, eating carbs... But I am working in a progress not perfection model. I have definitely made progress. I have decided to quit going out all the time and spend more time with my kids - it's hard... I have been going to the gym in my neighborhood almost every night. I have been thinking a lot about putting my focus on what I want to focus on rather than having it wander back to .... I must find a man..... or I miss him so much...... or I'm going to waste my time..... I have been falling into the finding a man trap lately for the past few days. I see it, I have to correct...
I have been going out to sing karaoke which I love and it's a great stress reliever for me. I really have no one to go with anymore at this point and am working very hard on making new friends but that's so hard. I'm staying closer to home, preparing to go back to school, cleaning up my house that has been neglected since we broke up. I need to come back to my self improvement journal, I have been reading a book about being a great conversationalist. I never feel busy enough to keep my mind in focus. I wonder how long it will be before he's not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning. I wonder if he still thinks about me and if it hurts him too?
I am helping a friend move to Atlanta this weekend and so tonight is loading the truck and tomorrow I'm driving to Atlanta. I'm nervous about leaving my kids home but I have several friends and neighbors who are checking on them. I just panic that something will go wrong and I won't be there. I don't have one person I KNOW I can rely on to step in in an emergency and it kind of scares me. I trust my oldest daughter more than I trust the lady I usually leave them with at this point and think they would be more comfortable at home.
So this is where I'm at, still feeling very alone, I know the neighbors and friends are there but I don't really trust anyone anymore. I'm sure it will all go well and everything will be fine. Positive thinking...
I wish I was there to give you a big hug :). You know what though - it is supposed to hurt, and feel bad and make things uncomfortable - those experiences are how we learn, grow and figure out who we are, what our boundaries are, and what we truly want out of life...it is hard being taken out of the comfort zone, but you know what, it gets better - day by day :). What a perfect time to delve into self discovery.
When I left my ex - many many years ago - teh biggest thing that hit me was the feeling of peace - of knowing there would be no more anxiety, no more wondering what was going to happen. Then the lonliness hit - it felt like everyone in the world had someone but me,and it through me into a tailspin - thank god for strong alanon sponsors :). I took 6 months out of "life' - I focussed on my readings, my self reflection, improving my self esteem, and looking at why I made choices I made...it was such a valuable time, even though I didn't realize it then.
Things happen for a reason, and I trust that my HP is leading me down the right path - as long as I turn my will and life over, even when it hurts....
