The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so eternally grateful for all of you here, who have shared so openly and honestly with me about your E,S&H on relapse and heartbreak.
My wound feels fresh and open and oh so painful.I can't seem to sort out of my heartstrings from my mind. I find myself terrified of losing this man again- feeling my worth and self esteem tied to his emotional availability. I can't imagine a life without him at this moment. I seemed to have created my boundary without even thinking of it, by asking him to leave. I am not sure WHY I feel so scared of losing him, of HIM walking away from ME.
I don't know where my insecurity is coming from but, it is there and it is a plentiful. I am feeling that familiar cloud of doom - that I am defective again, permanently made to be alone and sick in my own disease. I feel abandon and rejected and oh so lonely. I am trying to pick up and use the tools of hte program, but I feel like the bottom is falling out from underneath me and the tools are falling. I am stuck in my own destructive thoughts and dysfunctional thinking and obsessing about what he is doing. I can't seem to stay in Step One.
I am powerless over the A. Period. I found myself engaging in my OLD behaviors. I'm not sure how I haven't LEARNED yet to do something different. The conversating back and forth about his intentions now that he's relapsed. Why can't I just let go? Why isn't taking care of me and loving me easier? It feels so hard. I am so aware of how much i am feeling I NEED him right now. He was my comfort and partner in life. Since I have moved down here, he has relapsed twice. He cannot seem to say sober and clean for more than a year. I want/wanted to spend my life with this man but, am at a very dark, scary and lonely place right now. My heart aches for him and for us and for the dream. I am not even quite sure what to do with my sorrow. I will keep going to meetings and reading here and talking to program people.
I commit to MY recovery at all costs. I see my own dysfunction and am AFRAID to face it, but KNOW it is what must happen for ME to get well.
Any E,S&H is always welcomed and deeply appreciated.
((((RC)))) I hear so much of me in your posts.....The insecurity I felt last year this time was mind boggling. I have always been the super independant, rely on yourself woman and last year I found myself a crumbled mess, knowing for sure that my life would never be the same without this man.
And I was right, it's not the same. But it is getting BETTER daily and the insecurity and self doubt pass when the time is right.
Allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling now, it will pass.....the only way to it is through it. Be gentle with YOU right now. Your happiness must come from you, not from anyone else, I am learning this the hard way but learning it daily.
Keep coming back!
Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
