Hello all,

I have been lurking for a while now and have finally decided to join.  I have been married for three years, and for the last 2 or so have been struggling a great deal with AH's drinking.  I was searching for bottles, pouring out or giving away liquor, counting how much he drank, asking him to please not drink tomorrow so we could spend time together, etc etc.  I didn't tell a soul in my life about the unhappiness that was overwhelming me, because I didn't want their relationship with him to change.  I felt very alone, and at times my AH could even convince me that I was the crazy one, that he wouldn't have to lie or hide alcohol if I didn't react the way I did.  I was miserable. 

In the past year, he has begun to come out of his denial and ask for help.  The only  time he said he might want to go to AA, I printed out a list of all meetings in our area and said let's go tonight, but by then he had convinced himself out of it - that he wasn't as bad as "those people" (though of course he has no clue "they" are just like him), that he could control it on his own.  He'd set rules for himself - no drinking alone, no buying booze, etc.  And I'd have hope for a while, but then he'd go back to the same ways and just try to hide it better.  And we'd repeat this a few times, until I started to see the pattern and realized this time wasn't any different than the last.  It was a neverending cycle and I couldn't take it anymore.

So I started going to f2f alanon meetings.  The first time I was a mess, unable to speak, and cried for hours afterwards, and wondered how on earth I could keep going to meetings when it was so emotional.  Now I have been to only 9 meetings, plus one open AA meeting, but I look forward to them so eagerly, and always leave feeling better.  I have made wonderful friends who understand and I am at least starting to learn to let go and let God. It is a huge relief to take the weight of AH's decisions and drinking off my back. 

I am still overwhelmed so much and have yet to find a sponsor, but I am so thankful I made it to alanon, it has changed my life already.   I have also found the strength to confide in my parents, who had no idea this was going on.  They are being hugely supportive which means so much to me.  I used to think that if he stopped drinking that all our problems will disappear, but I'm learning that is not the case and they might in fact get worse, which scares me a lot.  I feel like I am in limbo a bit, waiting for him to hit his rock bottom, which I don't know how long that will take, if ever.  We have talked about separating and seem close to that, though he asked to go to marriage counselling together, so we are doing that next week.   I know that if he doesn't stop drinking, I cannot live like this forever, so I am struggling with how long to wait. 

Anyway, I am glad to be here, and very thankful for being able to read all of your wisdom, it has helped me immensely.