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My A revealed to me that he has been relapsing for two weeks already. I just feel exhausted and sad and alone. I am grateful for a program and for people who understand. The whole loss of the dream, the broken trust and the sadness is just overwhelming right now. I asked him to leave today. I do not know where he is going but, I can't live in that environment. I love this man dearly and had wanted to spend my life with him but, I cannot make him commit to his recovery or force him to face his demons.
There are many similar post here regarding the same thing you are going thru. This is a usual story expecially what happens to our spirits when we are told of the relapse. It felt like such a unfixable loss for me when my alcoholic wife returned to drinking after a period of time in the program of AA. For me it was devastating and the only solutions became the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups where I could sit with so many with so much experience of "what do I do now that she's gone back to drinking."
Alcohol is the great destroyer including dreams, wishes and wants. Placing my serenity, peace of mind and happiness into the hands of an alcoholic was not a very good choice. I needed to learn and in the rooms I do.
Keep coming back. Take a deep breath and turn yourself over to your HP.
Only ESH i have on the subject is get your self in to meetings, there you will find the love and support you need to ease you of some of your pain, I can only imagine your pain, and feel for you deeply... I feel it is better to find out now...Then Down the road, Please Take Care of you, and Keep Coming back... There are so many here that share this very pain, and need you as much as you need them...
Find your Strength, and like Jerry Said, Turn it over to your HP... It is His Relapse, Not Yours...His Disease.... You didn't cause it , You Can't Cure it, and You don't deserve it...
Honestly, my mind is my enemy. I need to get out of my head and the only way I can do so, that I KNOW works is in the rooms. It is where I need to be everyday if need be. It's really not a question of whether it's something I want to do, rather than I NEED to do it.
I know this program works and for that I am SO grateful. I suppose it's the dashed hopes and dreams once again. The "Now what?" in terms of the relationship and the overwhelming feelings of knowing a decision will need to be made in the future. I am SO grateful that just for today and I can focus on my "Safety" needs --- meetings, talking to my sponsor, focusing on Step One.
I can relate a great deal. I ended up having to leave the ex. Before then I over committed tremendously. When I hit a barricade I committed some more. I am glad you know your limits.
Sorry to hear that, and sorry you're going through it all again.... I guess my two bits of encouragement would be....
1. You've learned a ton in the last while, and it's a great time to put all the stuff you've learned to work.... it really IS of value to you right now - your entire network of support and recovery...
2. Try to stay in the here and now, as difficult as it is right at this time.... Try not to project too far out into the future, or make definitive decisions on the long term... the slogan "Just for Today"... and/or "One Day at a Time" come to immediate mind.... The future will take care of itself - you're not likely in a great place to spend too much time on that stuff right now...
Take care of you Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have learned that I can go out the door or send someone out, but I don't have to slam it shut and lock it. There are ways to come back in or reasons that I would open the door again and I communicate that --- if I can remember!
you are right, we cannot control them at all. So is the situation when he uses unbearable to live with?
I know I could live with him for awhile, but he got abusive.
I too wanted to live with him forever. Was so happy.
Know you have a horribly hurting gut. huh? Nothing is worse than a broken heart. Loving them and wanting them so much, but the truth is they are very sick, and almost impossible to live with.
Loving an A and living with them is not easy. I feel so badly for you. Didn't think that pain would ever go away. It got better, but very, very slowly. Had to learn to give it to hp.
Such a huge wound. Took me years. Now I just don't care much at all. He is not the man I married.
Keep coming here, meetings will hellp and hanging out in the chat room can really be healing.
I can relate completely to this experience. My AH revealed he had begun drinking again and had no intention of quitting, because he likes to drink, he's 42 sp if he wants to have a drink, he will and because he works a stressful job, so he deserves to drink if he wants to. etc. etc.
I had suspected it based upon his lack of AA attendance and attitude changes, but actually hearing the words when he finally told me were so painful. I realized that in his recovery and short-lived commitment to his program, I had gained so much respect for him. So many of the past embarrassing experiences with him and the past arguments and pain were healed and forgiven with his admission of powerless and his focus on healing. To hear that he had decided he was not alcoholic and could resume drinking without consequences was like bringing all of the pain back to the surface for me again. Right or wrong, I lost all respect for him again at that moment. As you said, dashed hopes and dreams, sadness, grieving. My therapist said it best when she said, "Your soul is wailing." So true.
You are so brave to respond in a way of self-care in asking him to leave right away. I echo everyone else's posts to get yourself to as many meetings as possible. Honestly, for me, it is the only place I feel peace and serenity and validation. I struggle with my own denial kicking in again, "maybe he's right, maybe his drinking isn't so bad...." The disease is baffling, cunning, and patient--even for us as partners. I find the rooms of Al-Anon to be soothing and gentle and nurturing . This is a time to soothe and baby yourself in your grief and sadness.
