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Hello everyone. I was wondering if you could share you ESH in how to handle household finances with an A. I am the main breadwinner in our family. AH works as an outside labourer and is unemployed in the winter (and goes on unemployment insurance). One of the ways I used to try and control his drinking (before Al Anon) was to give him an allowance, and expect him to stick with it, so that he couldn;t buy much beer. He still had access to the main account, and would just 'dip' in there to buy what ever he wanted whenever he wanted.
One of the ways I decided that I would place boundaries for my own sanity would be to separate our finances, so that I would not longer have to worry about him dipping into the chequing account, and so that I would know that I had money to pay the bills and spend a little on me if I had extra. In the past, any extra money always ended up being spent on him and his drinking and or other hobbies. I have my paycheque go in one account that I pay the bills from, and I told AH that he will need to give me $X per week to support his proportion of the bills (based on our proportional incomes, say 70/30, not 50/50). I thought that was fair. Now any extra he has he can spend however he wants, and I do not have to go crazy watching for whether he is buying beer or not. I also told him the other way we could do it would be to split up the bills, so I pay mortgage/childcare and he pays phone/hydro or something like that. This also makes him see when he is not keeping up his share/supporting the family by spending money on himself/not working very hard. Previously, he was able to fool himself into thinking that he was supporting his family by handing over his paycheck. He never saw that he spent more than he brought in and that I, was in fact, supporting him...
This has become a real sticking point for him. He feels a married couple should function as a team and have one account. He feels like I am punishing him by 'hiding' money from him. He has recommitted to getting help (AA 5 nights a week, discussion groups and also seeing a counsellor next week), and he feels like I am punishing him by keeping the finances like I have... He feels like he has enough stress on him just trying not to drink, and now I am making him stress about money for the first time (as he has never had to worry about it before).
I'm interested in some ESH so that I can examine my motives here... I do not think I am doing this to control him.. I feel like I am doing it to free myself from obsessing over what he is spending money on... However, by doing this, I do end up with a lot more free cash than he does (which I ususally end up spending on the kids or family meals out etc,,,), and am now questioning whether I am just controlling his behaviour in a different way now....
I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. He's either going to drink or he isn't. Nothing you do is going to affect that. It's all up to him. Seems to me you are on the "family team" and he is on the "me, me, me team". I would find it hard to join his team too.
If he feels punished, that's his feeling to work through. It's not like you are making sure his pockets are empty and he lives in a cardboard box on the street.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Lots of married couples keep their finances separate even though there's no drinking problem or other issue. There are many ways to manage finances; there's no one right way. Of course in this case you're responding to very real concerns you have about the way he handles money, and my guess is that he senses this. But keeping your finances separate is not automatically a bad sign. For one thing, it does keep you from trying to micromanage his spending, so he might even consider it an advantage. I always kept my finances separate from my A, and that turned out to be a very, very, very good move on my part.
Aloha again Missy...He can always get a second opinion to his own by asking his sponsor and counselor for feedback....certainly he would have to be honest in describing "his side" of the problem as he sees it. "Rigorous Honesty" is what AA calls it. Al-Anon calls it the same thing. One of AA's promises when the Alcoholic has been working the program of recovery is that financial "insecurity" will leave them or disappear. That doesn't happen to be his case right now and then how long has he been going to meeting?
If you have taken on the responsibility of the finances for the family and he is going along with it and not getting his open expectations met I can see that he is complaining. They (complaints) might not be justified and still that is what he is doing. Isn't there always change? Doesn't it also seem that there is another child in the house? Keep coming back and turn it over to your HP.
In hindsight I wished I had seperated my ExAH and my finances like you are doing. It would have helped me tremendously not to be concerned with how he spent his and our money. Your reasoning is sound and seems less obbessive and controlling than the previous method. Very nice job on finding ways to bring yourself peace of mind!
My esh is protect yourself! It is boundaries you choose. period.
He has a disease, a disease that will keep getting worse. At some point the dipping may make you lose everything.
I wish I had come here before AH left. I lost my good credit, my new jeep, all my savings, and almost my house. I made more money than him, but he did all the upkeep of the house, built my barn etc.
He always put in a certain amount for bills every month. Until he didn't. What a nightmare. I had to borrow from everyone. Then his dad died and I almost sat on him to pay everyone back.
Of course I am blamed for "taking" his inheritance. right.
I have shared many times with an A, a marriage is not like a conventional one. Wouldn't one set boundaries if their spouse was insane? Well sadly, A's are insane. Even in recovery they relapse. Their brain is not acting normal, they don't make wise decisions.
I would say I am doing this to protect us all. Not up to us to make another comfortable.
This is my esh. I am still fighting to keep my home, driving a car some one gave me, and have a thirty one year old pickup I love.
Can barely buy new undies, feel guilty when I do and when I buy food I need.
He was being kept by this woman, used to be called a slut. I was living in my bunkhouse at the end of my barn, almost homeless. bad.
So as you can see, I say good for you lady. You are not in denial, you are wise to set boundaries. love,debilyn
Hi Missy.. sounds like your doing what you should. My AH makes more money than I do but we share a checking account and he is constantly telling me I don't trust him and I must be hiding something because I won't give him access to view and transfer money.
He pays me back by, instead of buying beer and cigarettes, to buy coffee and donuts and waste about $150 every 4 days or so. On what, I have no idea. I told him we can live paycheck to paycheck, no problem. He can keep spending that kind of money every week if he wants but that there will be no money left over for anything else. He says, I can pay my own bike payment and yet when I give the check to him to pay, he is often late. I don't care about that, that only affects his credit but I'm certainly not going to allow him to pay the mortgage (In my name) and hope it gets there on-time.
I have thought about doing what you did and separating the finances but then I know I can't pay the bills unless he gives me his 1/2. My fear is that he won't and we will lose everything.
It is difficult and I don't want to end up losing my house but I am tired of the snide remarks from him. At least you know you can pay everything without him, in that you should take comfort.
Congratulations on setting and sticking with a boundary to protect yourself and your family. I didn't. My children and I live with my 80-year-old mother in her home. My ex-AH is now homeless and umemployed. We managed to sell our house two years ago, before real estate prices went really south, but just got enough to pay off the mortgage. Bankruptcy isn't pretty.... it's your boundary; stick with it!
This is a great topic for a post. My STBAH is having issues with money, he has ever since I've known him. Sometimes I do really scratch my head and wonder what I am doing with such a man-- other see him as a loser. And by that yard stick, I guess he is. But he isn't to me. He is a good man with a disease. I think you are doing the right thing here---->boundaries boundaries boundaries.
Uphold your standards for how you treat him, and stick to the boundaries of how you will be treated. I am not going to dip into my savings to bail my STBAH out of his pickle. I have told him I just do not feel safe doing that. He really is trying to pay me back, and he does make good on his debts to others... but only so that they are more obliged to lend to him again when he needs it. His finances are a complete mess. On paper, he really is not a catch at all. In person, maybe he isn't a catch either. But to me, he is like a warm snuggly security blanket. And I wonder... if that feeling I get when I am with him were to go away... would I stand by him? to be honest with you, I don't know. So I don't put up with any whining. He told me once that I drive like a goddamn teenager, and it made me so mad that he swore in front of my son and criticsized me- I nipped that in the bud right away. I figure I am puting up with anough "dissatisfiers"... treat me well, and I am yours. Wrong me, and it's over.
I guess that is still sort of a control issue? to be treated well or else?
Or am I doing the right thing? I feel a little selfish that I have savings and not offering it up to help him out of a jam. But I simply will not. It's mine, I earned it, I saved it, and his finances are his burden. He said something once about us combining an account and I said "I've never doen that... never had a reason to combine accounts. I don't think I"d like it" Honestly, I don't want to watch him squander it all away. He can do that in private and I'm Ok knowing it's happening... as long as it isn't my money. I work too damn hard for what I have, and I walk the line. Even with a man who is on the ball financially, I don't want to combine accounts. A shared "dream account" maybe-- where you both put in what you want to--towards a common goal. But regular expenses? No way! woops
I used to fall in tremendous holes with the ex A on this. At some points I earned much less than him. He paid more of the bills. Nevertheless I was always dipping in and helping out with his numerous crises, he had so many, the fines, the bills he didn't pay. I think you are very wise to set limits. Obviously he wants the cake and to eat it too.
The only thing I would recommend is that you seek as much support as you can because you can guarantee he is going to kvetch.
