The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just last Thursday I moved my boyfriend out of my house because I finally realized he was an alcoholic and I was being an enabler. He has been the love of my life for 3 years and has become such a big part of my family. My family started accepting him as one of their own and I was just waiting for the day for him to propose. It took just two drunk, late nights for me to realize I wasn't helping him by letting him sober up on my couch. He always could convince me to give him another chance because of how strong our relationship had been up until now. 95% of the time he treated me like a princess but because of the other 5% he is gone. I moved him out and told him not to call or come by and he has acknowledged my wishes. Unfortunately, I am the one that can't move on and over 5 days have contacted him via phone (3 times) to either yell at him because I am angry or wish him good luck. He has decided his next step is to move to another state and I just can't accept that he will be gone and I will not see him around anymore. I know this is for the best and so does he, so why can't I move on? I just always thought at my age he would be a part of my life forever. I am still hanging on to the fact that when he recovers I will get that relationship back with him and we can go back to the way things were. I am so happy for him but can't believe he is moving to another state. I could ramble because I am so hurt but I am know just looking for advice or personal experiences. I even told him that I want to be a part of his life again but know that time is so far away. When will this get better?
Please find meetings f2f for yourself as soon as possible , your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover . you need support from people who understand exactly how u feel . your going to be just fine , with or with out him . Louise
I agree with Abbyal. Please get to some F2F meetings. 3 years of being with an active alcoholic is bound to leave emotional scars. You deserve healing in your life. (((hugs)))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Hello! At 3 years during my relationship w/my A hubby, then boyfriend, I recognized all of the signs of the trouble to come in our life had I choose to stay. Here now 10 years later, now married and financial commitments together, HUMPH..........i should have paid attention to all the signs. HIGH FIVE to you for turning to alanon. I was to confident enough to come to alanon then, my love was enough to cure him. I know know that my love for him enabled him and i got sicker. Here today, after two attempts of previously filed divorce papers, two trips to rehab and many many seperations.............I'm done and I feel fine about my decision. Everything I have been through has only made me stronger.
I really appreciate what someone said in an earlier thread: that the love won't go away, but the yearning will. That knowledge really helps me stay balanced. I am also reminding myself that the yearning I have is for what I imagined could have been -- what the relationship only was for brief times, especially in the beginning. I'm not yearning for what it ended up as. The yearning really reflects my desires, not my reality. It's hard to think that he's going off into the future in a happy-go-lucky manner (apparently). But if he felt his feelings, he would be a different person.
Five days is very early. It won't always feel this way.
Aloha Chenango...Our program is a do program...not a think one. It is about changing the things that we can regardless of whether we like it or not. Liking it is not required. We learn that we cannot think our way into new behaviors but have to behave our way into new thinking. Twisty.
You've come looking for help and there is a ton or more of help here if you want it. Our experiences come with suggestions which were once given to us also and when we followed up on and then came to realize positive, miraculous changes in our lives.
One suggestion has already been mentioned..."Go to face to face open meeting of the Al-Anon Family Groups" and listen, listen, listen to others who have very similar experiences as yours. They will talk about what they found out and how their lives have changed for the better.
We learn about being addicted to the alcoholic as the alcoholic is addicted to the alcohol and we learn about the drama of the disease which is our lives.
I hope you follow up on the suggestions and keep coming back here (((((hugs)))))
I really wish I had recognised the red flags with my BF before he became my AH. 7 years of chaos and grief with the odd crumb of reality thrown in. I too miss/yearn for him but its so true, its the what we desired not the real relationship..Im often reminded on here of what it was like, that is what has helped me stay strong...8 months in, im not there yet, but the pain is manageable and i can enjoy myself without looking over my shoulder. I must have aged 10 years whilst i was with him, I tried so hard to control the situation, walked on egg shells depending on where he was in the drinking/not drinking cycle - equally obsessive by the way. Ive found myself again and Im glad of that. Its hard, he has wandered into the sunset and started living with someone new within weeks, very upsetting, but I know he hasnt changed...well yes he has, he was an alcoholic when i met him (constantly reminded that he told me that!!) but his personality has disintegrated very much since then...rude, arrogant, utterly self centred, emotionally unavailable, cold, oh Icould go on...starting again is a gift you have given to yourself. By all means miss him, but it will get better and at least you made the choice, i wish i had the courage to leave.. instead i was left suddenly without warning and not even told to my face...good luck to you. Lilly x
I am glad I recognized the red flags but it is not making it any easier to get over him. He lives so close and I am so used to going to his house or calling him that I can't seem to get out of that habit. I try to forget that he has a problem he needs to learn to live without me by his side telling him what to do. I am just scared that he won't be able to help himself because for almost 3 years we have solved problems together. I know the love will always be there but I just hope that the yearning for him will go away. Like anybody, I hate waiting to feel better. I just want to feel better now. I don't want to lose all those memories and I know they won't go away but it would be a whole lot easier if they did for right now.
I know it took me a long time. I moved out from the ex A and kept up contact with him for a long long time. I think its actually a bit much to think you get over it in a day. I kept talking about my contact with the ex here and worked it through. Eventually I got to a point where I had nothing left to say to him. Of course you are in grief, of course you are trying to bargain for a way for you to get your dream. I don't think anyone else would expect you to be anywhere else. The more you can talk about this to others and to those who understand the better. Expressing the grief really helps. I am 2 years out and there are still some days I grieve a lot. There are other days when I really feel I am at last moving on.
Thank you for all of this continued support. I am sitting here today about 2 weeks into the situation thinking that we could have probably just kept working on this problem here at home. I more I post and read about the more I thinking "you"/ did the right thiing for the both of you. Would the problem really worked it self out? Maybe. Maybe not. I am doing my best to detach and know he has to figure out how to put his life back together but then I keep thinking I still need to be there to help him. He is a big boy and had made it over 20 years without me so why do I still want him to be around. My answer to that is that things weren't that bad. 95% of the time we laughed, loved, giggled, had fun and the 5 were just dealing with couple quarrels. He was never verbally or physically abusive but I guess metally he was. He sometimes made me feel like "What are you doing?" so I guess in a way he had a way to turns things around. I always said why are you turning the situation around or why are you even changing it. I am just trying to work things out in my own head and for me babbling is sometimes the best way to do that.
