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JUST WANTING TO VENT A LITTLE BIT RIGHT NOW. I GUESS AS I START THE WORDS HOPEFULLY WILL FLOW RIGHT FROM MY LAST POST TO NOW, I HAVE RECIEVED GREAT FEEDBACK ON HOW TO HANDLE THIS IN THE RIGHT MANNER. I HAVE BEEN TAKING "MYSELF" OUT OF THE EQUATION AND LOOKING AT IT FROM A DIFFERENT PRESPECTIVE (ALCOHOLISM).... I THINK IM BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE REALLY IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO OR SAY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER (HIM GETTING SOBER).... IM ACTUALLY HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH THAT AND AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL LIKE THERE HAS BEEN A WEIGHT THAT HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF OF MY SHOULDER....... IS THAT NORMAL????? IM SO MUCH MORE FRUSTRATED AND HAVING SO MANY FEELINGS OF RESENTMENT THAT IM ACTUALLY TRYING TO AVOID HIM WHILE WE ARE HOME TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH HE HAS SENT UP TO GO TO TREATMENT ON MONDAY MORNING. ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS THAT HE CANT WAIT TO GO , GET THE HELP THAT NEEDS (HE HAS SAID NUMEROUS TIMES HE CANT DO IT BY HIMSELF) AND START LIVING "THE SOBER LIFE"...... THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO DO FOR HIMSELF FOR THE PAST YEAR AND IM THE ONE WHO IS, HOW DO I SAY IT, ANGRY AT EVERYTHING!!!! I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO ANALYZE IT AND PART OF ME THINKS, IS IT TOO LITTLE TOO LATE???? DO I SUBCONCIOUSLY THINK TREATEMNT ISNT GOING TO WORK FOR HIM AND THATS THE END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP??? THAT HE DOESNT WANT IT BAD ENOUGH???? AND AS I SIT HERE AND READ WHAT I JUST WROTE, IT STILL IS ALL ABOUT HIM!!!! AND THAT FRUSTRATES THE HECK OUT OF ME !!! THIS IS JUST A LITTLE OF WHAT GOES ON IN MY MIND SOMETIMES.. HIS HEALTH IS ACTUALLY ON THE LINE FROM THIS DISEASE (HE HAS ALCOHOLIC CIRRHOSIS AT 31 YOA) ..... WHY IS IT THAT I ACTUALLY "FEEL GUILTY" FOR NOT BEING THEY WAY I WAS BEFORE WITH HIM (THATS ALL HE KNOWS) TO HOW I AM NOW---VERY DISTANT "NOW " THAT HE IS ACTUALLY GOING TO REHAB AND ADMITTED TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT THIS IS GOING TO SAVE HIS LIFE AND HE NEEDS AND WANTS TO GET AND REMAIN SOBER.....I FEEL AS THOUGH MAYBE ITS MY SORT OF PUNISHEMENT FOR HIM FOR WHAT I HAVE BEEN AND GONE THROUGH WITH HIM? (NUMEROUS HOSPITAL STAYS OR THAN THAT AND HIS HEALTH, YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW HE TOUCHED THE STUFF) COULD THAT BE THE REASON IM FEELING THIS WAY >??? ITS FUNNY, HE WANTS IT NOW, IVE WANTED HIM TO WANT IT FOR OVER A YEAR AND NOW IM THE ONE WHO IS ANGRY,FRUSTRATED AND FEELING THE RESENTMENT COMING ON..... ANY INSIGHT WOULD BE GREAT AND IF THERE ARE ANY SUCCESS STORIES OUT THERE, I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THEM... THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE AND SORRY IF I AM RAMBLING ON AND ON ....YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY ONES I FEEL I CAN TALK TO
hello, yes this is a typical reaction you are feeling.
I believe what helped me when I was where you are, was honestly believing it is a disease, not a character flaw of the one we love.
If a person was getting stopped by the police,driving into trees, leaving the store without paying, forgetting to call, etc. I am sure that would make us crazy too. But in truth, the person is suffering from a drop in blood sugar and have become hypoglycemic! Not their fault!
A's are in a like situation.Their bodies crave to be altered. Their minds are involved too. In rehab, they clean up and hopefully their brains can learn the skills to stay away from what the body wants most.
They do best on good diets, suppliments, exercise and a strong relationship with HP.Besides this they start to learn to be honest, with themselves and others. They want to fix the mess they are in.
It is NOT personal! It is not against us. When they lash out, get into trouble, etc. it is the symptoms of the disease.
Getting Them Sober is a good book to glean many, many truths. When they go on a program of recovery, not just stop using, their focus is their recovery. We sometimes feel left out. They are fighting for their lives. It will get better. However for a time, sometimes all we can do is love them. They may be off in recovery land for a long time.
Hopefully part of their program will be to be more attentive to others. Mine learned to ask how my day was and what I did that day. Was cool. He cared enough to do that part of hes recovery.
So there ya go. Hope you feel better. Believe me it will be so much better for you guys if you can give support, forgive, have empathy and love yourself enough to take care of you and heal you too! He is very sick.
Keep coming back. Was a good share from you. love,debilyn
I think maybe you are wanting him to acknowledge the damage he has done to you and find it irritating that he is all happy go lucky. Right now he's riding the rainbow and has hope for himself and the future. Alcoholics are pros at denying the damage done, it's hard to look at. The time will come in his recovery when he will realize what he has put you through and will apologize.
My husband has been sober almost 4 yrs. He has told me numerous times how grateful he is that I hung in there and readily admits to being self absorbed while he was drinking. He can't take away the pain he caused, that was for me to deal with... but we could start over and make our lives what we want it to be by moving forward.
I would suggest you take the opportunity to strongly work your program while he is gone and deal with some of the anger and resentment. Bringing the old baggage in to a new beginning is sabatoge.
Meetings and a sponsor would be a great help to you.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My suggestion is for you to go to as many meetings in the 30 days he is gone as you can get to. You and he both need this time to work on yourselves separately. My AH and I were separated for several months and it was a blessing for us. It gave us the space we needed to learn to detach, focus on our individual recovery, and then come together a little at a time before we got back together and work on our family recovery.
I hope your AH is serious, but you have no way of knowing at this time. They are also always looking for the easy out. They always want someone else to give them the easy cure to thier problems. Getting sober is only the very first very small step to recovery for an A. Then the real work starts.
Focus on you. That is the key. Find a sponsor.
PS. sometimes it doesn't help to analyse every feeling I have. Sometimes I just need to acknowledge that that is how I feel, find a safe place to express it, and let it go. Our feelings are just feelings, not good or bad. You don't have to justify how or why you feel that way, just accept that for this moment, you do, and its ok.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It is great for me to read other people having the same reactions, the same feelings... so layneee, you are not alone. We try to make sense out of an irrational situation -- we get crazy, too! So, seek recovery for yourself... learn. Sounds like you have set your boundaries for your comfort... good for you. I find the hardest part is learning to communicate in a way that doesn't provoke when I still have those feelings of anger from everything I dealt with when my AH was drinking. You are among friends here!
Where you are at, at this point is normal...welcome to the insanity of the disease. You will figure it out with the help of others who have been there and worked with others themselves who have been thru it and have found reasons and solutions. Most of those solutions and reasons become real while attending face to face meetings in the Al-Anon Family Groups. It is what has worked for so many others who are in or have been in the spot you are at now.
Don't try to figure it out before going to listen to others tell their stories and then listen to the similarities along with their solutions. Practice the solutions and let go of the problem and I don't mean the alcoholic although there is a way of letting go of the alcoholic also. For me I found a power greater than my alcoholic wife along with the program.
When I use to get overtaken by resentments and anger I acted on the suggestion to go throw a tantrum...no kidding a grown man throwing a tantrum whenever and where ever I got waylayed by anger and resentments. Who cares what it looked like to others or what it sounded like!! I needed to let go of some pain and pressure so...once in a crowded mall and another time in a parking lot of another mall and lets see there were other times also. It was just one tool I learned along with the permission and courage to do it and it helped.
I first took the "keep coming back" suggestion and doing 90 meetings in 90 days. Keep coming back again. (((((hugs)))))
thanks again to all !!!! ...im trying really hard to keep it together.. i actually have a count down going... 2 days and then its like he will be in a place that he cant drink in ....its hard to describe but this time, in our relationship it feels different. i mean, ive gotten upset before and made the "empty" threats to pack and leave.... but now it feels as though my eyes have opened up and can see what "this really is" blindsided by love is probably what most people call it. I can say that i love myself and i wanted to love him because i dont think he does for hismelf....... im praying and still trying to understand this disease... I guess its hardto grasp everything coming my way becuae for over 2 years its been the same thing . i am so glad that i came across this site and the guidance it has given me int he past week alone is worth more to me than anyone could ever know. Sooo..... as he says, "I am going to rehab on monday" i cross my fingers and pray that it works for him and he lets it works....but i also know that the help that i will be getting is also much needed. Still the anger and resentment is still here, i think im becoming a little better at controling it, ( i figured out that i want him to hurt as he hurt me) ....But two wrongs never make a right... goodbye for now, ill keep up the posts and attend my meetings....
