The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic who just started attending meetings 2 weeks ago. It seems, to me, that he has replaced alcohol with attending meetings. He leaves an hour before the meeting is to start and comes home an hour or more after the meeting ends. Our marriage is in shambles from the drinking and now, with both of us working, he spends 4 hours every evening away from home at meetings.
I have mentioned, repeatedly, that he could attend morning or afternoon meetings some of the time but there is always a fight.
Am I being unreasonable to think that he should want to spend some time at home?
I would like honest answers, even I don't like the answer I need help. All we do is fight.
While my husband is not in recovery, I've been in Al-Anon long enough to hear the stories from fellow members whose spouses are in recovery how this transition doesn't feel any better than from when they were drinking. First the spouse is absent while active in the disease, and now they're absent while they're working their recovery.
When I came to Al-Anon and first got a sponsor, one of the things she asked of me was to grab the AA book and read the first 160-some-odd pages of it. (Can't remember the number exactly). The reading was to educate myself on the disease and to open my eyes to what the alcoholic is going through.
It is a physical allergy and when they're not drinking, especially in the first stages of recovery - the alcoholic's body is SCREAMING at them to drink. (Imagine, if you will, how you might feel if you haven't been able to eat all day, how your body starts to maybe hurt, your stomach tightens, you maybe get headaches, and you certainly don't feel cheerful. That's my best estimation of how the alcoholic feels when they're in the first stages of their recovery.) They NEED to find something healthy to distract them from this urge, and to surround themselves with like-minded people also trying not to drink is one of the healthier choices for them.
It can be lonely for those of us married to them. But that's where Al-Anon can help YOU. You have a choice to find Al-Anon meetings - maybe even meetings happening at the same time as your husband's AA meetings - and you can discuss your feelings and concerns with like-minded people, too... because we DO understand what it feels like - the loneliness, the frustration, the sadness. We've all lived it, and a lot of us have very similar stories.
I'd encourage you to find some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. Get to as many as you can in the next week... try at least six before you decide if the program is for you or not.
For me, I've found a lot of support, love, friendship and a path to peace and happiness in my life in the Al-Anon meetings. Most importantly, I've been learning how to be happy regardless what my husband is doing - drinking or not.
"unreasonable", only in the sense that it may not be in the best interest of his sobriety... the reality is, he needs to focus on his recovery right now - and everything else, including you & your marriage, has to take second place, at least for a time....
The good news is this is a wonderful time for you to focus on YOU, and start to find some recovery for yourself. His alcoholism has undoubtedly affected you, so choosing recovery for yourself, and focussing on you right now, is typically the best for everyone concerned.... Al-Anon will help you get through this...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with Tom.......that your husband is distancing himself from you in his recovery is part of it.... his disease is cunning baffling and powerful and he needs all his strength to fight it. He is maybe not fighting you but is fighting it.
I tried for years to cope, fix the A, change the A, etc etc etc and all the while I was becoming sicker and sicker...its only since finding MIP and then my face to face meetings that I turned the focus on me.
The As disease is their's and their's alone....we are powerless.
Be good to you...use all this new free time for you and your recovery.....its only when we find ourselves again we realise we were lost in the insanity of this disease.
Thanks for sharing......hope you keep coming back.
Okay to the quick...It was suggested that I couldn't control my alcoholics drinking and certainly couldn't control her recovery. I bitched and moaned and was envious and jealous of the AA program and when I got the chance I told her I didn't think she was alcoholic and she went out again. That fixed me real good!! She was damned if she did and damned if she didn't and I stayed double damned.
There is a program metaphor for what you are doing and it involves putting the alcoholic under a microscope, you know in between those two glass slides where they can't move and I can keep my eye on her at all times.
You're going thru change still wanting what you were wanting when he drank and you're double damned. He can't get sober while actively drinking and he won't get sober if your trying to invent his recovery. You don't know how to and he knows it and you know it. Best thing I found out for me (I was going to meetings to find this out) was acceptance of the now...what was happening that I had no business in or control over. Acceptance is the opposite of anger and rage but to learn it you have to have a teacher that practices it and most of them are in face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups. They practice a form of acceptance that is sooooo similar to unconditional love it would be hard to tell the difference.
Any how it seems that you are new here and to the program but you are courage ous enough to ask for help without qualification. You have quality that will be used in your own recovery. The world doesn't revolve around you and never revolves around the alcoholic so don't take what is happening as anything other than new and you are not going thru it alone. You have a huge family holding you up (not carrying). So get off of his shoulders and let him go and arrange with him so that you will go also. In support (((((hugs)))))
Stormy, I can guarentee if you choose to go to face to face meetings of Al Anon your relationship will be better.
I have been where you are. For me, him being in recovery was more important than anything.
For us to support them, and focus on our own recovery, the disease makes us sick too, makes us closer to the A we love. Also it makes it a much better chance your relationship will last and be worked on with both on a 12 step program.
A sick person needs to go for support when they need to go. Also I have learned that they find a group they feel comfortable with and want to keep going to that one. Not every group of people anywhere has the same atmosphere.
What we want is some time, attention, support, and knowing they love us. I used to take my A's hand and lead him to our bed and ask him to just hold me. So we did. It made all the difference in the world just to have that connection. Or we would sit on our double relciner and hold hands.
Instead of fighting, I learned to ask for what I wanted and he gave what he could. It may not be an hour or a day or anything, but for him to want to hug me etc. meant everything.
Then after awhile he would make the first move too. Over time, as he got better, we were together more.
I learned from my AH that he needed tunnel vision, a tunnel life. A strict routine where he would feel comfortable with every step. It was very important to his recovery. As he got better, he did go out more. But not much. Instead I changed me, I did not go on hikes or fish or whatever, every week end. I stayed home and we built fences, a new pot pig house, or fixed something. We had a lot of fun and shared so much.
I also went to work with him doing remodel. I could almost build my own house now! (O: he did branch out for him. Along with the routine tunnel was our intimate life. Well believe me, he learned you can kiss and "stuff" about anywhere. haha
All I knew was I loved him sooooo much, and wanted him well. And for time and times he was.
I would almost give my life to have him back. Even if all I got to do was sleep in the same bed with him.
Hope this helps. We are here to love you too! Maybe it is a time for us to softly give them love as much as we can.
Thank you so much everyone for your complete and honest information! I appreciate and am processing all that you have said. Intellectually, I understand everything and it makes complete sense. I now have to get the intellectual part to convince my heart. Thank you again! I do need to go to a face to face, I just have to overcome my fear of doing it.
Please read getting them Sober. I think that is an excellent resource for what to expect when someone becomes sober. The big issue is to stop obsessing and get on with your own issues.
Yes, yes, yes, these folks responding -- their posts are sooo right on. I learned so much from the book, Getting Them Sober. I loved it and recommend it. Yes, now learn to value yourself and go take care of yourself! I MUCH prefer losing my husband to AA a few hours a day than to alcohol. AA is sanity. Come back here, read, and I found a great counselor who specializes in addiction. I pray that your AH continues on his recovery road... there is sunshine on the horizon!
I just spent 2 days at the Treatment center with my Fiance learning through the family program that this exact scenario would happen... He was absent while drinking, and he will be absent while learning how to be in recovery. I wasn't sure what to think of it either? I guess I will just be glad that he is really at meetings and not out drinking?
