The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
HELLO... IM NEW TO ALL OF THIS, AND THIS IS MY FIRST POST. IM HOPING TO GAIN SOME INSIGHT ON THE FEELINGS THAT I HAVE BEEN HAVING. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 2 YEARS AND WITHIN THOSE 2 YEARS, THERE HAVE BEEN 5 HOSPITAL STAYS (ALL DUE TO ALCOHOL RELATED ISSUES) OF COURSE , IN THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME. WE WOULD GO OUT AND HAVE A COUPLE OF DRINKS AND THAT WAS THAT. AS TIME WENT ON , I HAVE TO BE HONEST AND SAY THAT I DID REALIZE THAT HE DID DRINK ALOT BUT WAS ALWAYS "NORMAL". MEANING... NEVER KNEW THAT HE WAS DRINKING. (UNLESS I FOUND THAT EMPTY BOTTLE) YOU COULD AND STILL CAN NEVER TELL WHEN HE HAS BEEN DRINKING AND I THINK THAT WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST PARTS TO UNDERSTAND. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, HE IS A WONDERFUL,KIND,CARING MAN WHOM I LOVE WITH A SERIOUS ADDICTION AND IM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME DEALING WITH ALL THE COMES WITH THAT. MEANING, IT WENT FROM ANGER TO FRUSTRATION BACK TO ANGER... THEN COMPASSION....NOW AFTER THE LAST HOSPITAL STAY ( 7 DAYS ) IM TAKING ALL OF MY ANGER OUT ON HIM AND IM NOT BEING VERY NICE BECAUSE HE RELAPSED 2 WEEKS AFTER GETTING OUT. FROM HEARING HIM SAY "I NEVER WANT TO TOUCH THE STUFF AGAIN- "ITS POISON AND IT IS KILLING ME" HIS EXACT WORDS... TO FINDING THE BOTTLES AGAIN IN HIS HIDING SPOTS...IM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD DO RIGHT NOW. MY HEART SAYS STAY, CAUSE I KNOW WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE WE COULD HAVE WITH HIM GETTING AND STAYING SOBER (HE AGREES) TO I SHOULD JUST LEAVE BECAUSE OF WHAT IM FEELING ABOUT IT. HE IS SUPPOSED TO START REHAB AND TREATEMENT PRETTY SOON (INSURANCE ISSUES) .....HE SAYS HE HATES LIVING THIS WAY AND SO BADLY WANTS TO STOP BUT HIS MIND DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITHOUT IT. ANYONE THAT CAN GIVE SOME SORT OF ADVISE IF WHAT IM FEELING IS IN ANY WAY "NORMAL" FOR THE CIRCUMSTANCES PLEASE LET ME KNOW.............. HONESTLY, I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE THINGS WORSE GFF THAN I ALREADY KNOW THEY ARE. I AM GOING TO MY FIRST MEETING FRIDAY. THANKS!!!!
Sounds like you've come to the right place and its wonderful that you've decided to start face to face meetings also. You might hear that it is strongly encouraged to really give Alanon a solid chance to help you improve on your situation. I've heard 6-10 meetings at least. For me, I went to meetings for 3 whole months before I started to really want to go back. I've also heard that when we don't want to go to a meeting, is when we need it most! I've been involved with Alanon for 9 straight months now and I believe it is really helping me put my life into a more positive focus. Not here, nor at meetings, will you find people advising you on your situation. No one knows what is right for you, but you. But people will share on their experiences, strength and hope. Here, and in face to face mtgs, we learn about tools and options that we may not have ever known or tried before...all with a focus to do what is right for us. It has been so helpful for me, as there were options and tools I just sincerely didn't have knowledge of.
I can relate to your situation. Everything you have said sounds pretty "normal" to me. It's not easy for them to just quit. You wrote "his mind doesn't know what to do without it." I think that is how most A's are. I see it as liquor is their best friend, always there for them when others aren't or they are having a bad day. It takes away their pain, their hurting..
I have been here 9 months about and at first I came learned all I could, googled everything, bought books read them..And thought I was good I learned everything and no need to come back. Well I was wrong. I had to KEEP coming back. I realized while living with alcoholics I got sick myself and needed to fix me. It took awhile for me to admit that because I didn't have the drinking problem I was only looking to help him; why is everyone saying Im the sick one? Well I believe it now. I am powerless over others today and I can't help/change/fix/control them. I am learning each day!
Keep coming back !!
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Welcome to alanon and MIP. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Your situation and how you are feeling are normal for a very abnormal situation. You are not alone. The disease of alcoholism is cunning, and powerful.
I am glad you are going to a meeting this week Please try to obtain as much literature as possible. Daily reading of this literature, meetings (here or face to face), posting and the chat rooom here are great steps to your own recovery.
Remember you did not cause this disease, you cannot control it and cannot cure it but you can find help for yourself here.
Welcome. I can certainly understand all the emotions you have about the A you are with. I stuck with mine for 7 years. I would rage and rage and dream about what we could have. I had a very hard time accepting the reality that he did not want to stop using and abusing in so many ways. No matter how far down he went he didn't stop. After I had known the ex A for a while, I became aware that he had many many problems, far more than I had (I always felt incredible shame about my problems so I downgraded his).
I do think al anon can help you. The people in this room are wonderful they can help you through this time without telling you what to do. I am glad you are here.
You sound so compassionate! Good for you for going to meetings, remember we have them here too.
He is very, very sick. Believe me he is serious, he wants to not have to feel that constant longing, needing to use.
It has to be horrible.You said it yourself. He wants to stop, even has been hospitalized, but he still cannot quit. That is how horribly powerful this disease is.
I am working on not eating sugar. It is sooo hard. I am off the "hard" stuff, but still want the roll ups, fruit things.
sugar no matter what.
For me it is a pleasure, an oral pleasure, am not being kissed, hugged by friends though, my animals love me, but self meding for that feeling of pleasure. I don't care if it is temporary, it it nice during. It is always at bedtime, I think I am still getting used to not sleeping with AH anymore. I was so into that.
Anyway so it has to be super horrible for him. Hon all you can do is love him, support him. If he talks about it, I used to say, I know it is so sad you are sick.I know you will be ok.
We cannot make things happen, they must, and they must take care of it themselves period.
Same as if I went to a place to lose weight, I don't want anyone monitoring me, looking for evidence, asking if I am going to walk today etc. NONE of anyone elses business but mine.
We all need to be loved just how we are, drunk, sober, in recovery, happy, sad whatever. Love does not have conditions.
Does not mean we can live with them or be part of it. But them knowing we love them is a gift to them.
Just like when everyone sends cards to those people in the halfway houses. Just that touch means so much.
I am so sad for you honey. It is so hard to watch our loved ones slowly kill themselves. I lost my dear bil to Cirrosis. He was a heroin addict, got on methadone,worked for the Governor, epa, had his own home, nice and tidy, new suv, great guy who pulled himself out. He had a strong hp relationship too.
Been watching my AH die for sooo many years. NO one knows what keeps him going. Hep c, bad liver smokes, cancer, slow and torturous. Now he is in prison. But the disease and more, he is brain damaged. Hard to see this body who was my husband, but when he opens his mouth, it is not him.
Anyway hon, Love is what gets me thru, putting it in hp hands, all the skills I have learned fromn Al Anon....priceless.
The truth of the matter is no one on this earth wants to live that way....people do not want to be addicts, alcoholics......once the ball starts to roll down hill it is so hard to jump off.....
My husband went to numerous rehabs....I truly believe that he wanted to get sober and stay sober...one time it lasted 4 yrs....however, the addiction was bigger than him...and the sad fact of the matter is some just don't recover.
The only thing you can do at this point is get help for you...you have started in the right place, my prayers are with you...until you begin to heal you can not see things clearly....try and get to some face to face meetings, maybe to a few on this site they are wonderful....take care of you because you can not cure him..nor can you fix him....his recovery is on him as yours is on you....remember this is a family disease and you are sick as well...so keep coming and keep posting..you are in my prayers.
Laynee, You have received some wonderful words of encouragement from the previous posts. I would like to extend my welcome to the board.
This is a program about you and for you and if you work it you will never regret it.
My sponsor just reminded me last night that everytime an alcoholic/addict moves their lips, they are lying. It is the nature of the disease. The other thing I learned is when he makes those promises after a scare or whatever it is that causes my hub to want to sober up, he means those promises at the moment he says them. I also know that my hub cannot recovery alone.
This is a great fellowship full of Experience, Strength, and Hope.
I hope you keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease and, sadly, progressive.
Im the mother of a 32 yr old Ason and spent countless years trying to fix him.....I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.
As his disease has progressed, mine did also.....the difference being he was anaestethised while I watched it all stone cold sober and sank further and further into hell. I reached rock bottom in January and googled for help and MIP popped into my life and I keep coming back..... I now also have a f2f meeting once a week and I am progressing slowly......I wish I had found Alanon years ago.
My son is currently drinking.....his health is poor, the addiction is powerful. I have a good relationship with him, boundaries are in place and he respects them.
I am powerless against his disease, only he can choose how his life is lived, and I now get on with living mine.....
Find out as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism...a book I have found helpful is 'Under the Influence' by Dr James Milam
I hope you continue to come back, and you will find, I'm sure, at your f2f meeting on Friday great warmth, support and understanding......let us know how it goes
thank you all sooo very much for the encouragement and support!!!!!! you do not know what it means to read all of these words!!! i have been trying my hardest to follow most of the advice that has been given. i actually can't wait for my first meeting. I do have to say, this is all very hard..very hard to deal with. But i know with support and words of encouragement I can get though this. My boyfriend came to me tonight and said again that he wants more than anything to beat this disease and "get right" ...normally I would jump in and say my peace about it... I let him finish and actually listened. I hope all goes well with him and treatment, but I do realize that I have to work on me and get myself in the right place.... I will def keep you all posted on how everything turns out!!!!
Good for you looking for a meeting for yourself ,the choice of recovery for your b/f will be his and his alone . Next time he wants to talk about recovery , simply say that your sorry he has to keep doing this to himself give him a hug and walk away , leave the problem with him where it belongs . Louise
Aloha Layneee...I feel the same as you do for all the compassion, love and understanding you have received. Al-Anon Families learn how to love in such an impressive way. This is also how I was loved back into recovery and I know my HP was giving me a gift for a lifetime.
I also feel for your boyfriend and I hope he meets up with a sober alcoholic who he is willing to listen to and ask for guidance in sobriety. I know for me that when an alcoholic gets honest and willing and finds the rooms of sober alcoholics and addicts they can also be touched.
Keep turning him over to your HP and yourself also. Have a good meeting. Listen especially (from my experience) to a little part of the closing to the meeting where it says, "If you keep an open mind, you will find help". Listen to it all and do get as much information about alcoholism that you can. I too have a special liking for "Alcoholism, A Merry-go-round named denial."
