The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I have a new attitude, I feel resolved, like I am finished with trying to convince my ex bf to come back or that he still feels something or that our love is the right thing, etc. etc. etc. Even if it's true it doesn't matter anymore. I have felt this way before so I am wary. I really feel that I just don't want him anymore at this point.
I have been trying VERY hard to focus on being ok with me, being ok alone, putting one foot in front of the other. The biggest thing for me is letting go of the resentments I have for him abandoning me, this is what resurfaces over and over and creates the problem. I want so badly to be friends, I want so much to make other friends too and I feel stuck like nobody is a good or reliable enough friend. I know it's me not them. I know it's MY insecurity, my neediness but how do I meet my needs of not feeling lonely when I AM alone?
I have a hard time staying in today. I want to find meaning in everything with him and yet I know it hurts me to hold on and not just let him go. I KNOW this but I don't FEEL this. So I keep putting my hand on the hot burner... is it still warm? is it still warm? UGH. How do you transfer knowing the right thing into feeling it inside and acting on it? I'm really trying to stay focused on the positive and keep thinking the best is yet to come, it ain't over yet! Time just seems to drag by so slowly, like I'm waiting for something but there's nothing to wait for. Know what I mean?
Carolinagirl - there is a vast differe between what we know on an intellectual level and how we feel on an emotional level . Just be kind to yourself. There is also a difference between being alone and being lonely. For now luxuriate in having the remote control to yourself, going for wkithout anyone demanding to know where you are going, have a glass of wine without feeling guilty - you can do anything you want to. Call someone you have not been able to see for a while because you are no longer embarrased by the behaviour of your ex. Blow your paycheck just on you - you are free to do whatever you want. Of course you will still miss him, wait for his call, dream about him. If you feel like doing none of these things, shout scream, punch the pillows - that's ok too. It hurts but it will ease in time - honest! ((((Carolinagirl)))))
I know for me the acting and feeling goes with knowing what it cost me to be with the ex A for so long. I always jumped into relationships feet first, sink or swim. I can't do that anymore. When I look at a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past, they were huge investments early on. I spent most of my time investing in myself, not because I am hugely selfish but because I never have before and now is the time to do that.
You know what really bugs me? I BELIEVED my AH was honest with me when he said he loved me.I trusted him more than anyone else in the world.I really,really thought he would never love anyone but me.Now he says he is not sure he ever loved me.HUH?? I was THERE.It FELT like he loved me.
Now,when I think about getting into another relationship,I start to doubt my ability to believe and trust not only a man,but myself. The only answer I can come up with is that I was blinded by my own codependency on him.I needed to believe he needed me and loved me because I was so enmeshed with and completely focused on him.I had no self to consider.
In the last 3 years I have found detachment,independence,self worth,strength of character,and serenity.I do not need him or anyone to need me to make me happy. Part of me wants to have another relationship.I am a love bug,I love to be in love and I love to give and recieve love.
BUT there is another part of me,a part just starting to form and take shape.A part that likes her independence.Her freedom.Peace and quiet.Calm.Strength.I am not wondering who he is with or what he is doing.I am not hanging on his every word and going over and over them in my mind trying to figure out what he meant by that.
I am enjoying my life.I am enjoying finding me, things I like to do.
I never believed I could have a full and satisfying life without a man.I still think I would rather have a relationship,a commited relationship,than not.The thing is I am not in control of that.I gave it to God.If it is to be it will be as long as I keep it turned over to Him.If it's not to be then my trying to force it would only lead to disaster.
I want to make a comfortable and inviting home.A place where I am surrounded by things that make me feel good.A port in the storm where I can shut out the world. I want to start investing and growing a nestegg for my future.I want to spend more time with my friends,with their kids and grandkids,dogs,cats.I want to help people,be there for someone.There is so much more to life.I haven't lived.I gave my life to a man but I didn't live.I died.I gave myself away and I turned my back on myself.
Never again.Now I know it is possible to give of yourself and still hang onto yourself and care for yourself and not lose yourself.
Dru
-- Edited by drucilla06 on Tuesday 29th of September 2009 04:42:25 PM
Thanks Dru. I wish I could feel that right now. I know it... The guy I'm referring to is not an A he's my last bf my A was my ex husband who I left 3 years ago. I felt I had come to that place where I was ok alone and then I met this guy and was swept away in the love flood and I think it just became too much to maintain for both of us. Today, all of my friends are moving away or in love and I feel alone again. I had plans tonight and it looks like I may have to go alone. Sometimes I hate that and sometimes I see it as an opportunity to meet new people. I just feel sad and lonely right now and I hate it. I got used to going out and having fun and giving and receiving love that felt PERFECT at the time and now it's just not the same without him. When I go to the gym and listen to music and work out I feel great while I'm there and when I get home after but I feel like I'm just killing time. I feel like the rest of my life is in chaos though. My kids are out of control, I'm fighting myself to do what I want to do and what I know I SHOULD do and it's a constant struggle. I feel as if everyone has drifted away and here I am alone on my island. It's so hard being alone in a place with no family, no true friends to speak of just passing acquaintances who are in and out of my life. I guess I felt he was the only one who really cared enough to KNOW me and actually be there for me and he just walked away as if I was nothing to him. It's hurt for 2 months, most times it doesn't hurt as much as today but today I'm feeling especially alone. I feel like I'm just going through the motions waiting for something.
I would not say your ex walked away as if you were nothing to him. Between the lines of your idealization of him he was someone with severe family problems and a huge issue in leaving home. I would imagine being around someone who was honest (and you are honest I give you that because I have learned so much from you) blew him away. From what you've said no one in his family is ever honest about anything.
For me the idealization of the ex A lasted a while. He was "there" for me. He offered to do things without being asked. He took on problems I had. He gave but eventually his disease took over. He also had many many life problems including a family he had not separated from. i did not want to see the wood for the trees.
Maybe if you want to get "over" this perfect love you have to see him for what he is a falliable, young, idealistic (and his view of love is incredibly idealistic and will not serve him one bit but that's for him to find out not for you to force on him) man who did his best but could not cope with your honesty and commitment to get better. If he is idealizing love in the way you say he is not open to being in a "real" relationship. His idealizing has nothing whatsoever to do with you, its all about "him" and his desire to be spirited away from his whole family mess that he can't deal with. Maybe its time for him to come off his pedastel and be seen with the all the dirt and grime that goes alone with everyday life.
Thanks mare, I know ... some days i am VERY clear about what his issues are and some days I share my unwanted clarity with him which is why we can't seem to stay on speaking terms. I just have a hard time keeping the focus on the negative aspects of the man and the relationship and off of the positive aspects or things that I am now lacking or missing since he is gone. I think you're right about the honesty scaring him, especially because his life revolved around secrets and lies prior to being with me and probably does again.
I try to remember that nothing is ever going to measure up to me for him because I gave everything I had and THEN some. Right now I look like the crazy ex girlfriend who won't let go. Down the road I'll look like the woman who loved him so much I didn't want to give up and he'll compare that feeling that he had with me to everyone else and it'll never be as intense because there are not many people who will give away that much of themselves for someone else and I am hoping to include myself in that group from now on as well.
I do need to see him for what he is and when I do just accept it and not lash out and be mean about it and feel the need to "share" it with him. It isn't my place to force it on him and that's what it ended up being - me trying to force growing up faster than he was ready. Sometimes I feel sorry for him and think he's going to be very sad later on and sometimes I just feel sorry for myself and wish I had some support from somewhere.
I was thinking today... this too shall pass... if only the good would stay longer and the bad would pass faster!
