The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a mother of two young children and both of my parents became late-in-life alcohlics. After a dramatic confrontation that lasted days and involved suicide threats, verbal abuse, etc --both of my parents joined AA and received private counseling as well. My mother grew up with two SEVERLY alcoholic and abusive parents--and demonstrated some fo the hallmark tendencies of an adult child of alcoholics(esp. creation of drama and chaos when its unnecessary and needing control of things around her)
They have done BEAUTIFULLY...and have been wonderful supports for me(my husband left me the SAME week that the above confrontation occurred). My father left AA(he felt uncomfortable in the meetings and did not struggle very much with no longer drinking).
My Mother is "working the program". She has immersed herself in the program socially and mentally--attending meeting several times a week and socializing with AA members outside of meetings.
I am very grateful for her sobriety---so why am I so annoyed by the whole "process"? Some of the stories she shares about her friends are cringe worthy and I am SO sick of being preached to with the short/pithy/wise phrases that now guide her life. I hate when she uses the phrase "Im working my program"....it feels almost cultish to me. Its almost as if I feel embarrassed for her.
Part of me is still feeling ashamed that I even have a parent in AA, let alone someone that is SO involved and immersed in it. I am disappointed in my lack of empathy.
Today is her one year anniversary--and she is so excited--and I should be as well. But I guess I am not feeling as congratulatory b/c Im still infuriated by what she put our family though. Its also been frustrating watching her unknowingly shift her addictions into other areas(food, drinking coffee, obsessing over AA).
Is this a commen sentiment? Please understand that I am VERY grateful that she joined AA and is sober now...the feelings are complex.
The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful - it is my understanding that it affects all around it.
I was affected by it. I had family members that were the active drinker and drug addict. When they entered recovery - I still had unresolved issues about their drinking and drug use.
I found my relief in the program of Al-Anon.
Several of my family members were not able to maintain their sobriety and recovery - I am very grateful that I was able to maintain my sanity and my own personal recovery in my own program.
It helped me deal with some similiar feelings that you have shared that you are having -
Posting here, attending Al-Anon meetings, reading recovery literature may help you with understanding the disease of alcoholism/addiciton and it may help you process some of the emotions you have about your family.
I also learned that feelings are just feelings - neither good, bad nor ugly - just an emotion - learning not to react on them - just feel them and let them go - helped me live with a lot more peace in my life.
Don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - you deserve them!!
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity) Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I think your feelings can be rather common - she has caused you a lot of hurt over the years, and part of you wants her to feel more openly sorry for it all, etc.... I smiled at the "cult" comment - that is usually what A's, who aren't yet ready for AA, tend to call it all....
I'd leave you with two thoughts....
1. If you had to choose - between your mother without recovery versus this one with recovery - which would you choose? 2. Try Al-Anon for YOU. You might start out with a bit of bias that it too, is "cultish" in behavior, but it would appear that it could do a whole lot of good for you, in understanding both your mother's illness & recovery, as well as how it has affected you....
Thanks for the post
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Gardenia...One of my very bestest flowers and scents...oooops side tracked.
What you're going thru is understandable and even usual although you're not feeling very good about it. Guilt is a result of thinking I going against a value and rolling my eyes upward is a sign that I am also judging the other person as being off the log crazy, boorish etc. Been there done that. And then my alcoholic wife was changing for the better and I was angry. One reason I was angry and resentful I found out was that she was outdistancing me from the pain the disease of alcoholism caused in my life. She was getting better and I was either standing still or slipping backward and had no justification to do so other than not pat her on the back for great work. I was stuck in the past and she was out and ahead of me.
I read Tom's question to you about which one you would prefer the mother with or without recovery. Don't even try to do what I did for my alcoholic wife...the outcome is insane!! I told my alcoholic wife that she wasn't an alcoholic and she went back out in a relapse for another 3 plus years. I believe that a recovering alcoholic will not entertain any excuse to drink and I also believe that the disease is always looking for openings. I use to roll my eyes at the "triteness" of AA and Al-Anon and all that became for me was a sign that I needed to understand more and move onward more rather than stay stuck. It was the very most worthwhile thing I've ever done for myself.
Keep coming back and followup on the recovery suggestions. It works when you work it!!....oooops that one of those cultish thingys huh? It's true though unless you refuse to try it. Happy Anniversary to your MOM....give her an anonymous hug from Hawaii and a Gardenia lover.
I'm paraphrasing here, but somewhere in the AA book, "A New Pair of Glasses", it is said that you can ask an alcoholic anything and they WILL have the answers for you. ;)
This know-it-all-ism can come up often with program friends. Even as an Al-Anon, I catch myself talking program speak at my non-program friends sometimes and try to remind myself to be humble. It can be exciting when you think you've found all the answers to life's issues and for some, it's hard to contain it. We want to spread the word!
In any case, I can relate, though - even being in the program, sometimes I really just don't want to listen to program-speak, and the barriers to this go up with certain people in particular. My mom - a double-winner (although she feels most at home in Al-Anon)... sometimes she'll get to talking the program with me and just kind of go on and on and on and on and I'll be thinking "Okay, mom... there's more to life than Al-Anon."
My Brother-In-Law does the same... 5 years sober in AA, and when I started going to Al-Anon, boy he was all up in the program-speak with me.
I do feel there's a time and a place for it. When I'm at a meeting or a special Al-Anon or AA-related function... YES it's time to talk program. When I'm out to lunch and just wanting to talk about the weather, program-speak isn't what I want to hear.
You're not alone. ;) This is coming from someone IN the program. But I do like what Tom asked... if you could chose Program Mom or Active Alcoholic Mom, which would you prefer?
Thank you all for your candid responses. Its a relief to know that my gut reactions arent so uncommon.
Reading your responses helped me to articulate some of what is really bothering me...
1)All of the "program speak" almost becomes condescending--as if the A has all the coping skills in the world--and you are less capable and less able to problem solve. This clearly sticks in my craw since I have had neither a mental health issue nor an addiction issue. And lets not mention the fact that Im going through a divorce and am doing well by most standards.... 2)The program seems to foster almost a narcissism and a narrowing of scope in the individual's thinking. For example--my Mother's big one year celebration is tonight. She told me today that she didnt mention it ahead of time b/c she knew I couldnt get a babysitter for my little one(who is 2.5) and it would be a little on the late side for my 6 year old. WHAT? Do you really think that I would bring my 1st grader to an AA mtg to celebrate his grandmother's sobriety? Esp. a 6 year old who is very much struggling with his parents' divorce, a new school, a new home, etc. Oh-and did I mention that my 6 year old has Asperger's(ie on the autistic spectrum) and suffers from acute anxiety? But clearly--my and my son celebrating your 1 year anniversary is tantamount to everything else and finally 3)The fact that we spend SO much time in program speak, talking about how wonderful it all is, how wonderful they are doing, how great and wise she is becoming--but not a SINGLE syllable about exactly why she is in these meetings and the awful confrontations it took to get her there. The suicide threats, the difficult relationships, strained holidays, ruined family vacations, etc.
Whooh. Clearly I do need a place to vent.
So to answer your question--of COURSE I want a sober mother who is actively working on herself and fighting her addiction. Its just so exhausting--the whole thing from beginning to end. No one PREFERS dysfunction--be it drunk or sober!!
Thank you so much--just typing this helped me to feel better....
You know, thank you for your honesty. When I first came in the rooms, a lot fo the stuff sounded cheeeeeeeeeseeeeey. But as I went through life, time and again, I got baffled finding myself use the slogans.
IN Al Anon I've learned that when someone finds recovery, they turn into a royal pain in the ass. Myself first and foremost. Reformed smoker syndrome. 'I saw the light, now You see it, NOW!'
I haven't read all the other posts entirely, but what I have to do is focus on myself. Getting involved in someone else's recovery is a relapse trigger for me.
Perhaps you might celebrate with yr Mom by also asking for some recovery boundaries?
My Mom is in CODA, would rather die than admit half our family is A, and does whatever she does. I get along fine with: 'what she thinks is none of my business'.
