The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need some of your thoughts and experience please.
The situation is that I was happily married for 18 years to my first husband. He died. Five years later I married my second husband. I had no idea he was an a. I figure it out in the 3rd month of our marriage. By the 6th month of our marriage the verbal and physical abuses began. It took a year for the divorce to be finalized. In total we were married for 1-1/2 years. I swore that I wouldn't get married again. But I met my third husband and he is very religious and insisted that we had to be married. So, we got married. He was widowed less than a year when we first met and still grieving very heavily. As a side note, although he is not a, his dad, and sisters are.
His whole family was still trying to come to terms with the death of his wife. And, as is normal, they weren't really prepared to have him in a new relationship. What is also very normal is that men will tend to remarry very quickly after becoming widowed. It is their way of "fixing" the situation, while women will take longer to work through their emotions. I tried being patient... which is not one of my long suits, with everyone's concerns. I put up with rude comments from his late wife's family. They are slowly coming to terms with my existance.
One day, after we were engaged we told his sister. His sister professed delight. She, her husband, and her daughter came to my house for a BBQ over the summer. Her entire family was rude and obnoxious to me. His sister went home and wrote a 12 page poisonous letter telling her brother (my fiancee and now 3rd husband) that he didn't love his late wife if he could love me, that she didn't approve of me, that she didn't like me, and was basically very scathing of me, my religion, our relationship, and of the way he was grieving the loss of his wife. At the BBQ her adult daughter pulled a stunt, which is really too long to explain, but that upset us too.
We haven't spoken to his sister or her family in about a year. Suddenly, my husband claims that the niece who pulled the stunt sent him an IM telling him she loved him. He claims that he didn't respond.
Tonight he drank a bottle of wine by himself. When I asked him why, he told me because he wanted to. He knows I am very cautious about drunkeness as a result of the abuse I suffered from my second husband. When I told him that it bothered me and concerned me he told me he didn't care. He told me that if his drinking bothered me that much he would simply start hiding it from me. He thought I should feel comfortable with it since it was done in front of me.
When I told him I was concerned about having to deal with his niece and sister again, that I am feeling insecure because I didn't appreciate their treatment of me. He told me I need to see a therapist.
I'll tell you the truth. I want a husband who involves me in his life, who is concerned about my feelings, who respects me, and who does not pull this stupid silent treatment. I don't like feeling that my husband is sneaky. I certainly don't need another a in my life.
Does it sound like I am being unreasonable? Could this be the start of alcoholism?
I am seriously debating the merits of marital counseling. I don't have much faith in it though since I have a husband who states he doesn't care about my concerns.
I also have been to al-anon and know all about detachment. I frankly don't want a relationship I have to detach from.
I think counseling from a good counselor is like Al-Anon -- it can help you get your side of things straight, so you can figure out what's your issue and what's the other person's. I would be worried too if my husband coped with problems by downing a bottle of wine, and responded by saying it was none of my business and if I minded he'd just hide it. The question is whether that's just one instance of bad coping -- words said hastily in an upset moment -- or part of a pattern. You probably already know whether he's usually open to reasoned discussion, to negotiation and considering the possibility that he's contributed to a problem, or whether he's stubborn and inflexible. (Your description of his religious convictions and the marriage make me worried that he might be on the inflexible side, but you have much more information than we do.) The key question in every relationship is whether you can negotiate conflict. If I were in your shoes, what I'd want to be clear on is whether I'd done my part in opening the conversation in the most helpful way. That's where counseling or whatever might come in useful. If you know you've done the best you could, then you won't second-guess yourself when it comes to making a decision. And maybe he'll step up to the plate. I would think his attitude toward his A family members would give you some clue already whether he has perspective on this disease. It's hard. Take care of yourself. Hugs to you.
Well once again blood is thicker than water . Accept that he wants a relationship with his sister , but u don't have to be anything more than polite to her . Unless of course she apologizes for her behavior . As for his drinkng well theres nothing u can do about that either , I hope u try meetings again for yourself for no other reason than his drinking is causing u a problem- dosent matter if he is alcoholic or not . You have already been in a alcholic relationship so u definetly qualify for our program . Al-Anon is for you and about you .hope u will return for your sake .
Boundaries are a tough one. I felt for years the ex A should protect me from his dysfunctional family. He couldn't protect himself from alcoholism so how could he protect me.
I think al anon can help you a lot. Whether or not you stay married this program will help.
