The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been said that we are drawn to alcoholics because they make US feel good about ourselves. That when we take care of them,complain about what they do,it makes US feel superior.
I have seen this in myself but not just with alcoholics.I will carry on at work about how stupid people are, which I guess I think makes me look so smart.
Is that our disease? Needing to feel better about ourselves therefore we choose people whose lives are a mess. People we think we can fix,take care of.
I am thinking it my be something that comes from my having grown up in a family of alcoholics.I was invisible,different.I didn't feel I mattered.Mattering to someone now seems to be very important to me.Is that howI make myself matter? By choosing someone I can take care of,enable.And when they resist my control I feel rejected,hurt,HOW could they not see that I am right? That MY way is best.That they need to listen to ME? Then I try even harder to fix,help...and on and on it goes.
This is something I am not liking about myself.I don't want to feel superior to anyone. I don't want to think I am better then anyone else in any way.I can see how I have thought this in my own marriage to my AH. I think it affects other areas of my life.
Hello Dru I too uncovered this about myself while I was doing a 4th and 5th step. Thanks to alanon and the steps or I would never have seen half the destructive attitudes I had picked up living all my life with this disease.
I found the 3 As very helpful in this situation
Awareness , simply seeing what I do in different situations- Acceptance - that was the painful part owning it and discussing it with others
Action I prayed that HP would lift this from me and give me humility. Just as you are doing. Another thing that helped me is I gave up gossiping, judging and blaming other both in the rooms and outside. Anytime I found myself going there I would use a slogan (let go let god) or keep it simple etc.
The tools worked I am a humble person today but I have self respect and self esteem and that is what counts most in this world.
Aloha Dru - I've found humility comes in awesome doses at face-to-face meetings. :) I learn slowly about myself and learn, too, that I'm not the only one, and then get support from those like-minded people through their shares at meetings.
Wow, Dru! I just brought this up as a topic last night!! I find that I used to enjoy judging people. They were either better or worse than me, and if I judged them "better than" me, I would find some other reason why they were inadequet.
I do not like this about myself. Now, I can see the differences of those around me and see them as different, but no better or worse.
I think part of the reason I did it was as a protection measure. I was so insecure about myself, my life that I had to make sure that no matter how someone else's life looked on the outside, I could make it as bad as mine.
I grew up in an alcoholic home also. I find it is much more prevalent in my friends who are not in program. Judging people is just natural for them. Today, I see them judging others and insted of jumping on the bandwagon, I stay quiet and wonder why I ever thought that it was entertaining.
There was a good reading on just this topic yesterday...don't remember which daily reader it was tho....
In therapy they call it "one upping". Keeping yourself in the up position or better than. What has helped me at work are two thoughts. Principles before personalities. For me, I have been trying to focus on what the issue is not the person. Helps alot and keeps me from taking their inventory. I also ask if it is my business, God's business, or their business. I have more time now to do my work.
I was drawn to both my husbands becuz they were very beautiful men. first one was so much fun, laughed all the time. SEcond one, he works hard, and he is a musician.
Aloha Dru...those might be only some of the reasons. Not all of the perspectives are negative. Enablers are helpers to the extreem at time and need people who are (in my eyes) needy themselves...or broken or in trouble. I was raised to be a fixer, helper, supporter etc. I wasn't given a manual for it or given boundaries either. Charge!! into the neediness and in the one I was the one who was as broken or worse. Thank God for the program...Simply just thank God!!
I think the very fact that you realize you have a problem you should work on is a sign of humility, so you are right on track. The haughty never think they have any problems at all, they think they are fine and EVERYONE else has the problem.
Self awareness is the beginning of healing, you are no longer in denial.
Some people are whiners and complainers who are not married to an A and didn't grow up with A's. I have many family members who fall into that category, so I don't think that being a complainer is necessarily a trait of living with A's. I think we can get carried away with thinking everything is a problem caused by living with A's and making them the scapegoat for all of mankinds ills. There are a lot of human faults and frailties, and many of them are part of the human condition and not caused by an A lifestyle, so we ALL have many of them, both A's and non A's.
Regardless of how the human imperfection manifested itself, it is a good thing to be aware of our faults and work on them, that is another sign of humility, to stop making excuses about how we got our faults and just work on them.
So, I think you are in a GREAT place friend! You are aware of your faults, are willing to work on them, and asking for ESH. I have every confidence you will work this out and do great!
Where can I get a good dose of humility ? I think u just did it's not easy to see the flaws in our own character now u have awarness and sounds like u have accepted that part of u now comes the action part - change it . I was told early on here that anyone looks good next to an alcoholic , I didn't like to hear that either but proved to be true for me , sober him up and I wasn't lookin so good . well done Louise
I have found this to be true for me as well and the more I see it in myself and around me the more it bothers me. I think value judging is the great destroyer. I have always prided myself on being "non-judgmental" but in reality we are always labeling people as better or worse in some way and that was something I was working on. People do the best they can with what they have at the time and it's not my place to judge them just to accept them where they are at and choose to spend my time with them or not.
it's not easy to see the flaws in our own character now u have awarness and sounds like u have accepted that part of u now comes the action part - change it . 