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My therapist suggested that my AH and I sit down and discuss openly the resentments we have for each other. In my past therapy sessions we have been discussing how the past has hurt me and how i am having a hard time letting go of it. She suggested we do this and warned it would be painful. I brought it up to my AH and at first he thought it would be the last straw to our marriage and that it wasn't a good idea. The next night he blurted out two resentments that he has had towards me. Is this all a good idea and will it be healthy for our marriage? I know that once i discuss these resentments i will have to let them go but they are beating my mind and soul to pieces. SOme of the literature i have read discusses how resentments are the worst thing for an A. Not sure where to go with this any suggestions or feedback would be greatly appreciated.
There are a lot of things that have been left unsaid between my AH and I, and I can definitely confirm that those resentments build and build. Like a leaky faucet, if I don't eventually do something about them, there's going to be some major damage.
I just know with my AH I have to pray to my HP for the right timing in which to say things to him. He and I have started seeing counseling ourselves and for whatever reason, it is a relief knowing I'm going to be in an environment with him in which I can voice my concerns and be HONEST with my AH about how I'm feeling. I don't plan to make it an all-out beat-down on my AH. I try really hard to treat him the way I'd like to be treated, even when it comes to speaking about feeling hurt.
It takes a lot of guts to be able to speak my truth. But I've learned time and again that if I want to speak my truth and come out of it liking myself in how I showed up, I need to speak it with love and respect. If I don't feel I can approach it with love and respect, it's best I shelf it until I've worked my program enough to a point where I finally can say it in that way.
So, like the leaky faucet, I could fix it by making small calculated adjustments, or I could fix it by taking a sledge hammer to it, pounding it to a pulp and then picking up the overall mess after that. I know I'd prefer the less traumatic approach.
Your alcoholics response and reaction is so typical of the insanity. "Don't go there" "Hey I've got a couple for you". You are left walking on egg shells. "Do I?" "Don't I?" "When, where, what time, how much?" Often times left out in the middle of the field in the rain and mud asking, "Where the hell did everybody go that I needed to talk to." Enablers need to learn how to do things better for themselves and that is why I prefer working within sponsorship. I'm working with someone who works it himself. I paid my counselor...not my sponsor. My counselor never mentioned that "he understood, because he had been there too" my sponsor could wear my shoes and often times I think he gave them to me. Al-Anon members learn about the disease of alcoholism from inside a program that arrived from AA. We speak the same language. The point is if I handle resentments from inside the program I will handle them knowing how powerful they are and the process of how to handle them. We have an 8th step and then a 9th step which nicely takes care of resentments. There are 7 other steps on the tour before arriving a 8 and 9.
Just a suggestion. The best idea is from inside a program and takes into consider- ation the presences and affect of resentments and how best to handle them.
What works best for me is to talk to a sponsor first , and work it out then go home and discuss it with husb if i really have to , most times I don't . Blurting out resentments is a risky thing in my home , it always feels like an attack and personally i have had enough of those to last me alife time . We have a rule in my home , he dosent get to take my inventory and i dont get to take his . If there is a problem we try and discuss it now , not a week later. if your not going to a program for yourself I hope u will in the future , u don't say if your husb is sober or still drinking . if he is still drinking forget everything I have just said , if still drinking the only winner here is the disease .
