The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First pardon my misuse of lingo. Still learning it.
the background: (optional reading lol)
I've been seeing a therapist to deal with the mess my life has become, and as I get everything straight one of the things i have to deal with is my marriage. As the story goes, I had to hit rock bottom before I'd start dealing with this.
It's never been awesome, in my view more like really good roommates with stuff in common. A few years ago I stopped "compromising" where every compromise was to do what she wanted. I emotionally broke with trying to fix it.
It wasn't "fault" either way so much as different desires in a relationship, and she just refused to meet me halfway on any of them. I replaced that with being a workaholic. Now with me focused elsewhere she complains of the "roommate" thing I brought up all those years. Oh irony.
of course that doesn't make me change my view that I'm largely at fault, etc. and so on. I'm sure that's a familiar tale.
Now the question:
My wife and I had always gone out and had drinks. Your "go out on Friday and have beer and watch the game" behavior. She was always a "mean drunk" but those moments were uncommon. I've NEVER liked to be around people who have gone from "social" drinking to drunkenness.
Well my wife's drinking got less and less "social" about 3 years ago, when I finally stopped being patient and complicit, to the point of me being embarrassed if we went out somewhere nice most of the time. She also went from "mean" to vicious. We stopped going out (my call).
the last two-three years it's gone from Friday night beers to her being drunk, and I mean drunk, at home, 3-4 nights a week. i work later and later b/c I just don't want to deal with it.
I know this is alcoholic behavior. My problem, which clearly not unique, is that it really escalated when I stopped giving in on everything. I started working more and disconnected emotionally b/c it was killing me. Literally.
reading on here I realize it's a common theme, but b/c the alcoholic part has been so recent out of a 20 year relationship I can't come to terms with her being "an alcoholic".
I still feel I have to make a big change here just for what has been so lacking in our marriage, but my therapist really wants me to come to terms with all of it so I can not carry a lot of baggage forward.
As I read on here some of the more intense stories I keep wanting to see mine as "not so bad", which I know is the first reaction. She has a great job, is otherwise supportive and kind, but its more like a good friend than a wife, and now with the drinking it's not even that.
So, anyone want to convince me she really is an alcoholic even though it's so recent in my view,, and then convince me it's not my fault, and then convince me it's OK to put myself first for a change even though it will crush her in the short run, and that it's OK to go through this b/c I want a more loving caring relationship in my life?
BTW, my therapist is $125 an hour. Just tell me where to send the check. :)
The crucial question is "can she do without it?" If she does go without for any length of time does she suffer withdrawal symptoms? She may be on the slippery slope but not quite there yet.
Only the person who has the problem with alcohol can decide if they are an alcoholic. AlAnon is for people who are bothered by someone elses drinking.
You will find help here and at local face to face alanon meetings.
We learn that we are powerless of anyone else and THAT my needs and desires and life MUST COME first and I MUST FOCUS ON MY NEEDS AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
Please keep coming back and give alanon a try. You are both worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 27th of September 2009 04:39:07 PM
Remember that in every alcoholic's progression there's a time when the "bad part" is recent. After a while it will be not so recent.... And I believe everyone can find an example of someone whose compulsive drinking is worse. My A husband never lost a job, never embarrassed himself in public, and used these as reasons why his drinking wasn't a problem. But my point would be: it doesn't sound as if your wife's drinking is a problem for her. (Yet.) But it's a problem for you. The A's would like us to believe that if we just stopped being bothered by insanity, everything would be hunky-dory. Anyway, you're in the right place. Learn all you can and keep coming back.
One thing that struck me is that you said her alcoholic behavior is recent, but I'm sorry, 3 years does not seem very recent to me. The escalation you have described is the progression of a disease. It is not your fault. Her disease would have progressed whether you had detached from her or not. It just stayed underground because your complicity had helped her to hide it. When we stop helping them hide it, we get to see the true nature of the disease rear it ugly head.
But regardless of whether you believe that she has the disease of alcoholism or not, the fact is that her drinking is a big problem for you. You need help and support.
Please keep coming back here, find a face2face meeting in your area and you will find the answers to some of your questions. You will find strength and learn to value yourself. I did.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Matte is right. She has always been an addict. The disease of addiction sometimes grows worse very slow. We may not even realize what is happening. Then all of a sudden doorknobs get thrown over the fence into the back yard where you are standing...Thats when I realized something was very very wrong.
It is horrible when the disease continues to erode away that person we loved. It is horribly hard to lose our mate to a disease. Knowing recovery is a life long deal, plus they will most likely relapse does not helpe us either.
I am glad you are here. Al Anon is the best thing for us. hugs,debilyn
It doesnt appear to me that you need convincing. You already know what you want. You have stated you arent happy. You didnt like the marriage whether or not she is an a. You claim you want more.
If that is the case, go get more. Make yourself happy. You can only control what you do. You cannot control what she does. And while she is romancing a bottle, she wont miss you at all. Follow your moral compass and you will be fine.
In Al-Anon , it doesnt matter if she is an A or not , what matters is how it affects you when she does drink and that our program can help u with . there is nothing you can about her drinking , she will stop only when she sees what shes doing is causing her a problem . we are enablers we lie for them , we cover up thier mistakes , we believe the lies they tell us , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior , until we stop doing those things nothing wil change and why should it ? we always make them look good . Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves the drinking will contine and only get worse never better. Please try and find meetings in your area then you can base a decission based on fact rather than emotion and dissapoitnent .learn all u can about the disease of alcoholism and u will find that in Al-Anon . Uwill also find people who have been where your at and will share with you the things they did to detach from the insanity and get t hier lives back on track . good luck Louise
With a few exceptions our stories are the same. It is the similarities that help us sit down listen and take suggestions. There are some positives regarding your relationship with your wife...For me that is the word "friend". I know a ton of married people attempting to arrive at friendly with their spouses rather than something or some other level not yet described. For me friend works...best friend but not only friend.
The suggestion to get as much information about alcoholism that you can from inside the meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups is best. It is what was suggested for me and what I did. No one within the program will call your wife or anyone else for that matter "an alcoholic" because of what has already been mentioned. Self discovery is the best discovery and from my experience and education I'll bet she already knows about her condition. It is progressive and unpleasant and that brings up the picture of a "mean" drunk. My alcoholic wife hated her compulsive drinking and the outcomes she suffered from it not to mention how it affected others she was in contact with. Alcoholics are real people with a real life threatening disease. They try to drink without negative affect over and over and over still getting more negative affects on levels we don't know about until we learn. Alcohol permits the alcoholic to think, feel and act in ways they would not normally outside of the influence of alcohol. If her personality and behaviors are unacceptable to you while she is drinking and friendly when she is not...most likely its the alcohol.
So now what do you do? You've been touched by this disease. You cannot not not be affected. It has already changed how you would normally lived your life. My experience? In the white pages of your telephone book you will find Al-Anon. Call that number for the meeting times and places in your area or go to afg.org or afgwso.com and find a meeting locator. Go to as many meetings as you can over (90 days was my time period) the next several months. Get and read as much literature from the meetings as you can and stay for the whole meeting and listen to others just like us who share their stories and their positive changes. What works for us often will work for you. You don't get to send us your wife LOL... Anyway after a good period of time decide if the program is for you. If it is keep coming back. If you decide that it isn't for you, you can always go somewhere else and we will gladly refund your miseries. (not funny the first time I heard it).
I no longer gauge things by who has it it the worst. I know when I met the ex A he seemed to be a social drinker. I was, of course, totally in denial.
I sense a great deal of resentment towards your wife and I think that is perfectly normal. Carrying out that resentment is actually pretty toxic.
I hope you will give al anon a go. The effort is tremendous, the commitment is a lot but the outcome is worth it. There isn't a price tag but in general members all support and care for each other which is indeed priceless.
Aloha