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Hi all. I am new here and pretty hopeless that things in my life will get any better, but coming to sites like this and reading about other people in the same situation as me makes me feel less alone.
I am married to an alcoholic. We have two young children. AH's behavior is getting worse and worse. He drinks himself silly every weekend (and any other day he's not working) and drives home. He has never been caught and even if he did get a DUI or was in an accident, it wouldn't stop him, he would just take cabs instead. He has already wrecked his beloved truck into the side of our house but that still didn't stop him. Nothing will stop him from going out and drinking. His nights get longer and longer. He now arrives home between 4 and 5 a.m. every time he goes out. I have to get up when he comes home (thus cutting down on my sleep) because I don't want my kids to find him passed out on the floor or bathroom which is where I usually find him. I suspect he probably cheats on me when he goes out also. All of his friends are single and their motivation when going out is to find girls, so if AH is with them, I am sure he engages in that kind of behavior also. After these late nights he stays in bed all the next day and the kids and I are left to fend for ourselves. I tell the kids that daddy isn't feeling well but one day they will be old enough to see the truth.
Why do I stay with him? A few reasons. I have more control with us being together. If we separate or divorce and God forbid he gets joint custody or something, my kids will be in danger whenever they are with him. I keep track of his drinking episodes and all the dangerous things he does, but I am not sure if a judge would care about that and grant me full custody. Another reason for staying is that I am the only person responsible for my mom's care, and she lives in a house that we own. I am afraid if we get divorced, there would be no way for me to continue paying for her house as well as mine.
AH blames me for everything. He says that he has always been a drinker, and that I married him that way. He says that I used to be a lot more fun and now that I am boring he has no choice but to go out with his friends to "let loose." I know alcoholism is a disease, but I also feel that there is some choice in the matter also. AH grew up with an alcoholic/addict father who has been to rehab several times over the past 30 years, but AH refuses to see that he is going down the same path. I have a counselor that I speak to, and I have tried reading books and attending alanon meetings. I cannot attend meetings regularly because I am responsible for everything around the house, kids' homework, etc. and I rarely have time to leave the house for a meeting.
I am not sure why I am posting because as I said, I see my situation as hopeless. I have no idea how it will ever get better. A divorce is not going to change anything. It will not change the fact that my kids will one day know that their father is an alcoholic and that he chooses drinking over them...how will I deal with that? I feel like my kids are doomed to a life of uncertainty and disappointment no matter what I do.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it this far. I know I wrote a lot. So sorry!
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). Your situation along with your childrens' is not hopeless. I promise that. Many people who have come here have felt the same way. Fast forward to the present and their situation has changed for the better.
The BEST thing you can do for your children, your mother and yourself is to find some local face to face meetings. There are many that allow children or have volunteers who sit with the younger children.
The reason you came here is the same reason I did. I needed guidance and help. I didn't want to continue feeling bad. None of this was my fault. Through this place and your face to face meetings you will ge the help you need. You will regain hope and become strong again.
Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve - regardless if the A chooses sobriety or not. It can be done. You can have your life back. Never give up hope. Please find your local meetings. They are so important. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
-- Edited by Karilynn on Sunday 27th of September 2009 03:21:31 PM
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Iwould just like to add that I too wanted the perfect family. I wanted my son to have the perfect life, understanding father, loving mother and all the advantages that a child could have.
Alcoholism destroyed my idea of a perfect family and life. Alanon meetings and tools restored my dreams for my life and I learned how to dance in the rain and grow with tools that enriched my life.
Please keep coming here there is help and hope.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 27th of September 2009 11:15:00 AM
Hi there and welcome..... I echo the other comments.... Al-Anon, and choosing recovery for yourself (and thus your children), will help you sort through this mess, that we have all lived (or are living) through. You will learn the skills of detachment, where you let the A suffer the consequences of his actions or inactions.... For example - why get up at 4am to put him to bed? He's done that on his own, and he likely should reap the full consequences of that behavior, including having the children see him that way.... Then it is HIS to deal with, not yours to cover up....
There are tons of great books out there that can help as well.... I'd strongly recommend "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.
Welcome to MIP, and hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I really got a lot from the book,"Getting Them Sober."
No one is stuck, we all have options. Things won't change unless we have the courage to look at our options and go for it.
Kids are very, very aware of what is going on. If they see us enabling the A, they will learn that is what you do! When they get older, they may enable him too.
I learned not to do anything for the A. It is his illness not mine. He is on the floor and worse, its his problem.
He is a man. I would not treat him like a child.
A lot of what we see when we are with an A using, is distorted. The A's disease makes us very very sick too. We don't really have the awareness how horrible it is.
Myself, with kids, I would press charges on my AH every chance I got. I mean for running into the house, threatening me, etc. Mine would threaten to burn the house down. Then you have a public record of his illness. It is very rare that the mother does not get the kids.
I would think it would be very very unlikely for him to get joint custody when he's in this condition. I don't think you have to fear that at all. If you're worried about leaving, about your emotional state if you left and whether you could handle it, you wouldn't be alone. I think many of us fear the danger of the sense of howling emptiness. However, don't fear the custody issue. Hugs to you.
I would bet your seven-year-old knows more than you think already.
I have had those same feelings of "How would I cope if my son saw his dad drunk?" What I was really afraid of was my own feelings -- like I could keep it from being real as long as my son didn't know about it. Like I wouldn't have to live life any differently as long as I could keep it from being real. I think what my own son may have learned, for a while, was "Something very bad is going on in this house, but it must not be mentioned or acknowledged."
My kids are 6, 8 and 10 and we left my AH three years ago. The kids had been through so much at that point and even though I tried to protect them, alcoholism was deeply affecting them. The three of them were sad to see what was happening to their, dad, but I just explained to them that he was sick. We didn't cause it, couldn't control and couldn't cure it. Only daddy could get help for daddy. We, on the other hand, still had our lives to live. My oldest daughter had to go to school, but certainly couldn't do her best if dad came in to have a little chat about the meaning of life at 3:00 AM. Yet in a drunken stupor, he saw nothing wrong with that.
Al Anon has a book called "What's Drunk, Mama?" that my older two have both read. All three kids are in indiviudal counseling and very clingy. No matter how much we try to protect them, alcoholism lives, breathes and breeds in the secrets, the lies, the covering up, the hiding. Expose it to the light and some of that fear and shame we experience goes away.
I have sole custody of my children. That was non-negotiable. I didn't care about anything else, but the kids were not going to be staying with him. With his DUI's and all that's happened since we left, no judge would consider giving him custody at this point.
They still see dad when he's sober. He's living nearby and as long as he's not drinking, I'll let them spend some time with him. He's still daddy and they still love him; if they want to spend time with him, I won't get in the way.
Keep coming back. You're worth, and so are your kids. They need you.
there are lots of people in al anon who can address the joint custody issue. There is no question a good family lawyer can help you too. Making a plan be certainly helped me. I outlined all the things I needed for splitting. I took 6 months doing that. I should also say I am two years out and life is far far far from pretty for me. i do not however deal with the absolutely crippling anxiety you have to deal with.
I lived with an alcoholic who crashed cars, got tickets galore, ran into people, fled, got out of that with some huge fine. He crashed so many cars including my own. The fall out has been immense for me. I tried to control, heal and obsessed about him for years. You certainly are not alone.
I hope you will give this group a chance. I have been here for years and adore it. This group has pulled me through so many awful times. I would also really highly recommend reading Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew (all the volumes). You will get a great sense there when to step in and when to let the cards fall. You do certainly need a guide.
Welcome. I am sorry you are here under such incredibly difficult circumstances. i know I was worried sick for years about so many things. My life is absolutely very very difficult these days in the fall out from leaving the ex A (two years on). Nevertheless I do not have to deal with that kind of anxiety, fear and upset day in day out.
). Your situation along with your childrens' is not hopeless. I promise that. Many people who have come here have felt the same way. Fast forward to the present and their situation has changed for the better.