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Hi everyone! This is my first time posting. I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but friends have told me I should go. For some reason I'm hesitant. My husband has been hiding alcohol and drinking in secret off and on during the 10 years we've been married. He goes through periods of months where he stops, then he'll start again. I first found the empty vodka bottles and confronted him six or seven years ago. Since then, about once a year, I've found more bottles or smelled it on him, etc, and confronted him. I've cried, I've threatened to leave if he does it again, etc.
My husband is a very mild mannered guy. From what I can tell he only does this late in the evenings, after the kids (we have a 5 year old and a 3 year old) are in bed. I've never seen him drink to excess in public/with others. Until recently we were both social drinkers, but in April, after our last discussion about it, I suggested that we both stop drinking altogether. In the last couple days I've seen signs that he's doing his hiding routine again (smelled it on him when I climbed into bed, and heard him slightly slurring words). His personality doesn't change much when he drinks. It's hard to tell that he's drinking at all when he's hiding it. He continues to get up at 5:30am and go to work and be very productive there. Never misses a day at work Never drinks during the day, etc. Thing is, I wouldn't be concerned at all if he wasn't hiding it. He thinks the drinking and hiding it is a problem and tells me he deals with it by seeing a psychologist twice a year. She seems to be of the belief that you can have a problem with alchohol and not be an alcoholic, and that's how he sees it to. It's his go-to thing whenhe gets stressed out. Again, fine- but why does he hide it? Probably because he doesn't want me to see the amounts he's drinking.
So, as I said, I've seen signs in the past couple days that this is happening again. I've been reading a little about Al-Anon, and I know that it's about helping yourself, changing your own attitude, not trying to change the drinker. Does this mean that I shouldn't say anything and just let him be? The whole confrontation thing is so emotionally draining, and in the end, doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. If I don't say anything am I somehow hurting him, myself, our family? Do I have an obligation to say something, but need to realize that what he does or doesn't do about it is out of my control? How does this work?
Please find meetings for yourself , sounds like your just might need them . What matters here is what his drinking does to you , how u feel when u see he has drank , when he slurs his words etc . there is nothing u can do about his drinking thats his problem , but alot u can do for yourself this is a disease and its progressive it only gets worse never better. u need support from people who have been where your at , and if your friends are discussing this with you and suggesting al anon , I suspect there is alot more going on than u have shared in your post . my husb was very sucessful as well had his own business , never missed a day at work and because of that we lived well . this disease dosent care who it gets , I have heard it described as an equal oportunity disease . eventually my husb became very ill and was a cronic drinker , daily , lunch time supper time and eventually breakfast just so that he could go to work and sign some checks , progressive . Please find meetings . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 24th of September 2009 09:06:16 PM
Aloha hmunkster...Good that you popped your head full of questions in here. Some answer will come quickly (they still might be difficult to accept) and others will come in time. The fact that you have a problem with someone elses drinking qualifies you for the the Al-Anon Family Groups. That he hides his drinking proves that it is also a concern for him and he has developed some level of fear of it. That might have something to do with your reaction to it also but then if drinking wasn't a bother for him hiding it would kinda like be turning on a spot light over a problem.
Many professionals recommend the Family Groups to family, friends and spouses affected by someone elses drinking and some do other things; it doesn't matter you are qualified for the program, all of the literature, the meetings, ...all of it. I hope you find yourself several groups to give a try and keep coming back here as MIP is busting at the seams with people who have been where you are at now and changing the outcomes for the better.
My ex was much like your husband -- never drunk out of his mind, never publicly out of control, just sometimes a little slurred, sometimes a little odd, and sometimes I'd find the bottles. He mainly had those little airlines bottles, which can be hidden in pockets. But sometimes they'd slip out of his pockets, or sometimes I'd come across a bigger bottle stashed in a odd place. Over time I realized that not only was he drinking all the times I suspected he might be (but doubted myself -- didn't want to become one of those paranoid people), but he must have been drinking even times when I suspected nothing. He was so, so good at hiding it, and to this day I have never seen him take a sip of alcohol. He never got belligerent; if anything he got friendlier and more pleasant when he was drinking. But weirder and weirder things kept happening. Once he had been taking care of our son (who was two) and I came home and found he hadn't changed his diaper all day (since I'd left in the morning before our son woke, that meant the diaper hadn't been changed in about twenty hours), and there was food all over the bed and floor, and a dangerous low window was wide open where our son could have fallen out, and they were both sound asleep with their clothes on. Then once when he was supposed to be taking care of our son, while I was out, I ran into the Ex in front of the liquor store (without our son -- he had left him home alone at the age of two).
I started to get wise. Then the DUI's began. Then the court-ordered rehab. Then the relapses. Losing his driver's license. It's a progressive disease. Believe me, nothing I said or did made one tiny bit of difference, except to make his denials stronger and to make him accuse me of being paranoid and having a psychological problem with "normal people who drink." I never did see him take a drink. But finally I figured out that I had to have a bottom line. Was I going to be in a marriage where this was going on? Was I going to bring my son up like this?
I kept thinking he would just go to AA and it would all solve itself. He started AA about twenty different times. The big secret drinkers don't tell you is the relapse rate. Maybe 85%? When I realized it wasn't going to stop, I calmly told him we needed to separate. And so we did. He lives down the street and we have an amicable relationship, by which I mean we talk without rancor on the phone when arranging things about our son. He did stop drinking once for as long as nine months, as far as I can tell. But then he started again. Now I don't let our son go in a car with him, but he does see him once a week. (It was several times a week during sober periods.) He has never once in all this time admitted he has ever drunk, much less that his drinking is a problem.
My experience is certainly that telling them they're doing wrong makes absolutely no difference. The question I had to ask myself was: am I willing to live like this if this never changes? Am I willing to live with worse? Where is my bottom line? My bottom line was pretty far down there (I've left a lot out of the story), lower than it should have been, looking back; but at last I had one, and it saved my sanity. We get sucked into the insanity as surely as the alcoholic does.
That's just my view and my story. A lot of people learn to keep on with their partners drinking. For that I think it takes letting go of all expectations.
The most important thing is to get to some Al-Anon meetings and hear more and learn more and get a real sense of how to take care of yourself. I can't overemphasize how helpful they've been to me.
My hubby was a perfectly reasonable social drinker when we met - actually, I probably drank more than he did, and I encouraged him to have a glass of wine with me at dinner, etc.
It was maybe 10 years later, or more, that I noticed that a bottle of wine no longer lasted for 2 or 3 dinners - if it had half left when I went to bed, it would be empty when I got up in the morning. Then I noticed that he was hiding alcohol - he kept a bottle stashed in the cabinet next to "his" chair, and he kept a bottle somewhere in the basement - I never did see that one, but he would go to the basement and come back with a drink in a plastic cup. At the same time, although I never thought that it might be related, we started having more friction between us about things I thought had been resolved years earlier.
I thought he "might be developing a problem with alcohol". I thought I could rationally point out why all this was a bad idea, and he would decide to go back to the perfectly reasonable social drinker I met. I had no clue that his disease was progressing - he was getting closer and closer to, and eventually crossing, that invisible "line" to alcoholic drinking, and the mental obsession and physical compulsion that accompany it. I didn't know about Alanon Family Groups. If I had, I might have got a head start on what was to come.
One fall he went into a facility for "phychological problems" - I now think this was his first detox. (I didn't know what detox even WAS.) He said he had made the decision to not drink any more. I thought this was kind of extreme (did I mention I knew nothing?), but said okay... He went to a few AA meetings, and came home saying "I'm not like those guys".
A month or two later, he lost his job. He didn't actually tell me he'd been drinking at work - I had to guess, and he confirmed it. Two days later he was in an accident and got a DUI and lost his license. We were very, very lucky that this proved to be his bottom, and he got serious about AA. He came home saying "some of those guys have it so much worse than me", and "YOU might like to try ALanon".
Having promised myself I would do "anything" to help (!), I figured I had to go. Imagine my surprise when I went and found them talking about all the changes I could make in myself! I was annoyed for a very long time - but I noticed my weeks were inexplicably calmer when I'd been to a meeting.
Eventually, I learned that motivation matters. My reason for saying something makes a difference in whether or not it is healthy for me to say it. If I want HIM to do something differently, then saying it once is asking, saying it repeatedly is nagging. If I just need to say it - calmly! - because I need to feel that I've said what I needed to say, again, I try to say it once. I also try to say it in a meeting, where I've got a better chance of being heard - although that aspect continues to improve.
You cannot convince, cajole, threaten, or beg him into quitting. He may on his own, hopefully with the help of a support group such as AA to address the attendant phychological issues; or, he may not. In the meantime, you can develop your own tools and skills, learn to practice what is yours and what is not. To my great surprise (but not to the surprise of any of the long-timers in the rooms), I found that what I was learning helped me to deal with my family of origin - a family that I now believe was riddled with the BEHAVIOURS of alcoholism (like blame, spin, guilt, lack of validation, black and white thinking....) - even in the absence of alcoholic DRINKING.
Please find meetings for yourself , sounds like your just might need them . What matters here is what his drinking does to you , how u feel when u see he has drank , when he slurs his words etc . there is nothing u can do about his drinking thats his problem , but alot u can do for yourself this is a disease and its progressive it only gets worse never better. u need support from people who have been where your at , and if your friends are discussing this with you and suggesting al anon , I suspect there is alot more going on than u have shared in your post .
Dear Thinks
I could not agree with Abbyal more! This disease is progressive and if you decide to stay with it, your gonna need loads of alanon! Meetings, sponsor, alanon literature and the steps! This disease impacts all who are around it! I know, I had to leave my AH because it just drained me dry! The drama, chaos, lies, staggering, DUI's- Thank God he never was physically abusive, but it was an awful life for me 17 years together, 13, almost 14 married and I just got tired of it - I got into recovery and never regretted my decision- I think people can stay together and work things out provided the drinker is in active recovery and working AA and the non drinking spouse is in their alanon program, taking care of themselves! I was lonely , having to live a separate life! Living with an alcoholic who is not in recovery! I had to take me out to the movies or dinner because many times he was either too drunk or too hung over! I found I was doing more and more on my own, so I decided that if I am going to be alone, I may as well be free to find a better life, too! We maybe could have made it if he had sobered up and was active in AA! I will never know! I hope your situation works out for you no matter what choice you make!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
