The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
how can you ever move on and begin a new life without them. I know this is going to sound like a self pity post but every time I read a post from a spouse that has separated from their A and has gone on to live a better life, met someone new, maybe got married and could leave that A life behind I do find myself being a little resentful.
How do other parents of A's do it? I mean we cannot just go out and meet another daughter or son that are not A's and continue on to live a normal non-A life. And I know there are the children left behind in some cases that are so affected by this disease but as a parent sometimes I just wish I didn't have to have to deal with this forever.
I think I am feeling really down today. I posted that my son went into a 28 day program on Tuesday and I just cannot stop thinking about what will happen when he comes home. I know I have to set boundaries and stick to them but when it comes down to it I am not sure I can actually go through with it. It is nothing like living with a spouse. There really is no anger attached to it....at least for me it isn't. I completely understand the concept of this being a disease and how on earth can you ever turn your child away that has such a horrible disease?
I know that somehow I have to change the way I am dealing with this disease. I just don't know if I can.
There is nothing in this program that says you can't love him. He's your baby and you are made to love him no matter what he has done or will do. One of the many C's of this program is I can "Care".
Check your motives, do what is best for him (because that is what we as parents do) and then let HP do the rest.
Just for today, he is safe and cared for. And so are you.
I would take this time to figure out your best course of action and have your plan in place. That way there will be no doubt as to what to do. Unless you choose to banish him from your life, there's no reason he can't still be in it. You can still have a relationship whether he is drinking or not. When it comes to boundaries..Remember that when you enable, you help the disease survive. Taking it a step further, my sponsor told me it's even easier to stop enabling when you think of it as helping to destroy them.
I would encourage you to hope for the best while preparing with Alanon tools.
*Expect a miracle
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
thank you for the responses. My biggest dilema is that he and his fiance live in a house that is attached to my house with their own entrance. I do see him everyday and lately have not been able to detach very well. That might be due to not attending f2f mtngs for a long time. I wouldn't banish him from my life but I am considering banishing him from the guest house. I actually love having them there and they love being there but it is the every day connection that I have with him that I think is dragging me down.
Hate you are having a rough day my friend - sounds like it is a lot of direct exposure to every day and every moment of your life to HIS addiction.
That can be tough for you to detach.
Althought Ash is my step=daughter - she has been my daughter for over 17 yrs - I had to take a step back from everyday involvement in her life - I got to a place where she was not the center of my every thought - how? used the tools of the program -
when I found myself obsessing about her, the grandkids and everything surrounding her - I had to take a time out and picture me giving her to her HP to take care of all the issues in her life.
Many days I would have to do that over and over again. Somedays I still have to do that - but keeping a healthy relationship with her - helps me.
HUGS to you honey - hope you enjoy your meeting!!
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Aloha Gailey...The responses you received from the membership are all so real to me also because they come from my experiences also. Rita's "visualizing her daughter being handed over to HP" is one I used with my eldest son also. That really works and then it works best if you are attending face to face meetings for your own healing. If you are not in the face to face commitment, for me, recovery is more than uphill. I cannot do it without such commitment.
Learning detachment from my eldest alcoholic addict son was like walking on a tightrope with the distant end being my safety not his. He was in command of his life and the outcomes. He was self centered to the extreem just as I was before getting into Al-Anon and that helped to understand and have compassion. He had to be respected for however he was working toward his consequences and all I had to do, could do was quietly love him and be there whenever he had concerns which ranged from being stabbed by another addict to becoming a father without intention and being the "victim" of law enforcement for "open container" in a moving vehicle and all that other craziness that I somehow made it thru.
One thing that helped me was learning that I could not predict the future and that I had often times been wrong when I most certainly thought life could not help but come out the way I feared it would. Living in the moment and not 28 days in advance removes so much daily stress and being humble (teachable) allowed me to learn from the moment rather than dismiss it completely. I also learned that to live in the future did, amoungst other things, insure me of two things; one is that what I fear might happen can and will because I set it up in advance and the other was that it missed all the truely good stuff in my life during the projection period. I don't do that anymore.
As long as another person in my life has the time, ability and facility to make their own decisions they get to be respected in owning entirely the outcomes; good and bad. Allow your son the dignity of his choices and actions and love him anyway.
When I parted living conditions with my alcoholic and addict son I told him that I loved him and always would and if he decided that drink and using was the most important thing in his life and died as a result I would attend his funeral and his burial and then turn away and go on with my life. There was a bit more said but that was the most important thing for him and me to hear me say. I was done with it all except with the love. It is still that way and presently the relationship includes his eldest son; the son of an alcoholic and addict now not using and drinking and doing the best he can with what he has...better than I could ever have hoped for on my own.
Get back to your meetings is the very best suggestion I can offer because of course that works best for me and those I meet there.
Gailey, I know you are hurting I can read it in your post and I also feel your pain. I too have a child that is an alcoholic as well as an addict. I have been attending weekly f2f meetings at least twice weekly for the past 5+ years and I know my life would still be in shambles without them. I encourage everyone to attend f2f meetings as often as possible. When I feel the need for a meeting and there isn't an Al-Anon meeting that day or night I go to any open 12 step meeting I can get to. It's all the same 12 steps and I have never failed to come home with something I could use in my life.
Below is the article I sent to the Forum in January and was printed in the July issue. I do hope it helps you in some way. Barb
Keep Me Barely Floating
Living with an adult child in recovery has taught me many lessons.I learned how to mind my own business, how to say no and mean it, how to close the bank of mom and bolt the door shut and how to let go.
I listened to one woman say that after many years in Al-Anon and after many open A.A. meetings, she had never heard a speaker say I was saved by my momma.
I knew then that I had to turn loose of my son because I was never going to get anywhere in my program dragging him along behind me and he was never going to get anywhere with me riding on his back.
Today my son works his program and I work mine.We share with each other a lot more openly today than we did before.Despite experiencing some setbacks, we have both made progress in recovery.
Once my son told me his one wish for me was that I would live long enough to tell 20,000 other moms that the best thing they can do for their child suffering from alcoholism or addiction is to do absolutely nothing.He has heard people share in meetings that they never got anywhere in their recovery until their parents stopped completely.
Recently my boundaries were tested once again and I was able to say no to the plea for financial assistance.After the storm had passed he wrote the following and I share it with you today with his permission.
Keep me barely floating and I will learn to swim.
Prop me up and I may learn to stand....
Give me a push and I may learn to walk....
And then run and cry and laugh and maybe even live but remember none of it starts until you let go and barely keep me floating.
I love you more for making me do it alone than for any of the help I have ever gotten from you.This will happen, I will fix it alone or with help but I will do this. The task is mine, the work is mine and the reward will be mine as well.
Today I treasure gems like this and hold onto them tight for they along with my Higher Power are the things that get me through the tough times in my life.
Barb B
Missouri
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Gailey, I know exactly what you are going through. My A is my oldest son who has not had 2 dui's in 6 months, spent 3 weeks in jail, came out for 1 night before going to rehab and drank 12 beers that night. This resulted in another VOP and now I have no idea what happens. He has been in detox and then the 28 day program and should get out of the center tomorrow (maybe). I have been sick with worry this week but have gone to 2 Al Anon meetings to help me get through this. I am starting to realize that even though I really love him and care about him, his actions are killing me. I almost lost my husband and 2 other kids because all I could do was focus on him-and then he manipulates me. I will always be him mom but I can no longer be an enabler and carry on feeling so guilty about this. We raised him the right way, he knows right from wrong and now he has to be responsible. I can empathize with you because I know how much this hurts and how much you want to "fix it". I have learned this week the best thing to do is take care of you. When he sees you putting yourself 1st, the manipulation starts to slow down and they realize that it is time to do what they need to do. I don't have high expectations anymore-I'm just getting through this 1 day at a time. Hang in there :) Sally
