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I decided to go tho the poilice station this morning to report the threats my AH had made against myself and my children. I was thinking this would be a 1/2 an hour, report the incident, get some advice on what to do when and if I do decide to leave and that be it. OH BOY, was I wrong. Turns out, here in Ontario they have very strict laws that govern domestic violence. I had to talk them out of going to arrest him. I informed them that my husband hunts and had 6 guns as well as a couple bows in the house. Now they are in the process of revoking his gun license and needed me to get the guns out of the house. I was glad to remove the guns from the house, but what a war this is going to start tonight when I tell AH what has happened! Hunting (next to alcohol) seems to be the most important thing in his life. And now he cannot pursue this interest for probably the next 3-4 years. He cannot be around guns, he cannot borrow guns.. Oh my... He is going to blame all of this on me, and complain again that I am punishing him for things he hasn't even done, just when he is trying with all his might to get well.
I need to remind myself that I did not cause this. He did. I did report it, but when I examine my motivations, it was not to control him or punish him, it was to ensure my safetly and that of my kids. I think my side of the street is clean. How he chooses to react is on him. I have a bag packed in my truck, the kids are safe at my parents house and all I will need to do is walk out the door if he chooses to become violent. Pray for me... tonight is going to be a wild one! Funny, when I woke up this morning, this isn't at all what I had planned. My HP at work I guess....
Missy - all you need to be certain of is that you did the right thing. Your safety and that of your children is paramount. You never know when threats will become the real thing. I hope I won't be drummed off this site for admitting I don't often pray - but I am praying for you with all my heart right now - all the way from the UK! xxx
Aloha MsPoo...Good follow thru. Keep following thru. Domestic violence is a part of the disease of alcoholism. You are not the only one who have gone or are going thru this condition and that is why the police and public service take it as very serious as they do. Try your best to step up to that level. consider that you are afraid even at this time and let him know that his threats are responsible for you fear and decisions. It is insane to talk like that without people especially loved one feeling fearful and driven off. Either he gets responsible or he gets more pain. I am one man who chose to get responsible. Considering the alternative, it became easier after I got into recovery.
I am grateful today that spouses and family have Al-Anon and MIP to come to for suggestion and guidance. I am glad there are services out there to interrupt the course of alcoholism and it's consequences.
I could tell you don't be afraid and then that might be inappropriate for now. Have a strong sense of caution. In support. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks you Jerry and Tatty for you support. It really doens mean a lot right now. I just talked to my MIL to tell her what happened. She has been very supportive in the past, but now that I am taking steps to prepare the leave and ensuring myself and my children's safety, she is getting angry at me too... She just said that what I just did was irrational and spitefull and that I just put the nail in his coffin, and that as far as she is concerned, anything that happens to him from here on is my fault. I understand that she is his mom and she is defensive of him, but come on! I stood up to her and said "PARDON ME? I have been nothing but supportive of your son for 17 years... What did you want me to do, ignore the fact that he said he would kill me and the kids three separate times on two occasions!" She said she was going to go and let him know about the guns. At first I thought, no I want him to hear the story the correct way from me, so he knows I didn;t mean it for spite or to punish him. Then I though about it, he's not going to listen to me right now anyway... better to have someone else break the news, let him cool off for a few days and then speak to him and see if we can move past this. Comes down to a chioce for him, what is more important, recovery and his family, or drinking, hunting and guns.
Oh well... I have my HP, my side of the family, and MIP of course for support! Thank you all again!
I personally think you made the right call, guns and alcohol, whether with an active A or not are not a good mix, I will be thinking of you and praying for you too.
I know I am new at this, but one thing I do know is that your safety and that of your sons is more important than him getting angry. Not to scare you, but there was a horrible incident where I live of an abusive/A husband taking the lives of his wife and 5 kids last week-this is very serious and you need to be careful. Keep the police on your speed dial and call them if you need to. You and your kids are #1, please stay safe.
Alcohol and guns do not mix...at all...you did what you needed to do for your children and yourself...maybe you should suggest alanon to your MIL after all she also is suffering at the hands of the alcoholic....addicts affect every thing and every one they touch.....
I will keep you in my prayers....and for the children I will be praying for some peace....I am sure they could use some. As moms we must put our children above all.
I understand the hunting thing, I also have grown up with hunters....there is a difference between a safe hunter and guns then someone talking crazy with a gun....always...always better safe than sorry.
When my husband was active in his alcoholism I took his guns and put them in my fathers house where I knew I didn't have to worry.
Best Wishes, Andrea
-- Edited by Andrea12 on Wednesday 23rd of September 2009 06:43:13 PM
Seems to me you are doing what any reasonable and responsible person and Mother would do given the circumstances. Praying for you. Please let us know you are okay when you can.
I am worried by this situation -- if he can tend towards violence, getting the guns out is necessary, but he doesn't need guns to be violent. Do you have back-up for when he comes home and expresses his anger about the guns? Do you have a plan for getting out of there quickly with your kids, and where to go, if things turn violent? Remember when you change, the other person has a huge "change back!" reaction. Please, please take every precaution you can, and don't underestimate the possibility of a violent reaction. I'm not saying what you did was wrong -- not at all -- but this is the zone when violent reactions start to become a possibility. I hope you have explored all your options not just with the police but with safe-houses for women? And have an escape plan at your fingertips if things start to look worrying. Please take care!
Wow... this brings back a story one of my uncles - on my dad's side told me. I didn't know my dad's brothers until later in their lives. One of them was both a very domineering personality and a religious fanatic, and no doubt was an alcoholic. He cycled between heaving drinking and teetotalling with equal fervor. Apparently he had borrowed my other uncle's shotgun and had it at the house. Some time later he got into a rage about something and was threatening, and his wife called his brother to come and get the shotgun - she just didn't want it around. So J. shows up to get his gun, and then ended up in a big shouting and shoving match out in the street, while G says why are you taking "my" gun, he's offended and knows his wife put him up to it, and J says hey it's my damn gun, I want it back... so he calmed down.
Like I said I got to know these guys much later in life and they laughed about the story by that time. The wife eventually divorced him, but wound up institutionalized. He married again and his second wife was a wonderful person, and between her being twice his size (think Snuffy Smith and Loweezy) and other factors, he lived to a ripe old age and by the time I caught up with him, he was a pretty fun guy to hang around with. I may have told that story on here before. Oh no doubt he was family. I know all about being a control freak - been there, got the T shirt, wore it out. I can't explain exactly why I gave it up... mostly. It has made for a better life, and I think these 12 steps had a lot to do with it.
My uncle had many kids - I've met some. Like his own siblings, they are all over the place... some loved their father, some hated him. No doubt all the stories are true, certainly I can't deny their experience as being truthful. But my experience with the old man - during the last 6-7 years of his life we got together several times - was quite a joy. It was like having the better part of my dad back for a second look.
Sorry about being a bit off the subject, but the gun story made me think of it.
I personally think you made the right call, guns and alcohol, whether with an active A or not are not a good mix, I will be thinking of you and praying for you too.
Dear Missy,
I can still remember my A mother running around with her .22 gun and shooting it when she got drunk and raging - My crazy father, one time got drunk and threatened to shoot my brother and did! My brother as he was running away (on my advise) from the house, got his gun and shot at him! He was drunk and missed! My brother filed a police report! My father and mother lost their guns over it and were put on probation by the courts (go figure that one!- They should have been jailed) - The probation, at least was on record and if they got violent again, it would be serious jail time so you did the right thing! I agree! Guns and alcohol do not mix! You are your children are in danger! Good for you taking care of you!
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I certainly would not tell anyone who is very very irrational any bad news. I would wait for them to find out, have a back up plan and have a lot of support. You owe him no explanation at all.
Thanks to all of you for your concern and support. It's been a rough few days, and I don't think everthing has settled out... I stayed away on the Wed night while his mother broke the news... good thing too... he was ANGRY... started drinking again and stayed up most of the night doing that. I just kept repeating the 3 c's to myself... I didn't cause that drinking, he chose to. I went home the next day while the kids were at school, my bags still packed and locked in the car and my keys in my hand in case I had to leave quickly. He was still mad, but not at all violent. We discussed things, and he said that he wanted to continue to work on our marriage and his recovery, and that we would take things one day at a time. He didn't drink Thursday, but did drink on Friday while I was at work. He came home drunk around 7pm , and wanted to argue some more (again, not violent, just wanted to verbally have his views heard over and over) over the same thing I thought we came to resolution on on Thursday. I told him I would not argue with him while he had been drinking and went up to bed. He followed me, still trying to argue, so I went into my son's room to sleep. He thankfully did not follow me in there. Saturday he did not drink, but Sunday he went off and came home drunk again, and again started with his 'junk'. I told him again that I would not argue while he had been drinking, and went to bed. He followed again, again I left our bed and went to my son's room, where he did not follow. I floors me as to how quickly things can go down hill with one crisis. He is definitely in "change back!" mode...
He still will not take responsibility for what he said, he just keeps repeating that he didn't mean it and everyone says those kinds of things. I maintain that those things are ususally NOT said in the context and situation that he said them in. He cannot seem to get over the fact that I went to the police, even though my motivation was to ensure his safety and that of the kids. He is completely absorbed with the impact on HIM and the unfairness of it all on HIM. I told him that I am not the one taking the guns away, the cops are, and it is because of what HE said, and if he wants to be mad at anyone, it should be at HIMSELF. He is definitely not handling this change in dynamics very well at all. I told him he has 2 choices, lose the guns, accept his part in this and use his free time to focus on his recovery and keep his family, OR still lose the guns, keep raging about it, abandon his recovery AND lose his family as well. The ball is in his court. Currently, he seems to be leaning toward the last option. He cannot seem to get past this. I plan on sticking to my guns and weathering the storm for a few more days until I cannot take it anymore, and then I am GONE. The only reason that I stay is because I did not really intend for any of this to happen when I went to the cops, I was just planning for the future. He was doing well with his recovery up until this point. However, if this is how quickly it can go down hill with one little upset, then I am not sure I want to be on this ride anymore...
More to come... I'll stay in touch... And no worries, I will stay safe....
