The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I love a man more than life. We have been in relationship for 3 years. I was not aware of the fact he was alcoholic in the first year. We became engaged and i would love to marry him. He says things will get better if I commit. Well, he moved two and a half hours away and because I now realize the extent of his problem and the effect it has had on me, I did not move. I have worked so hard on steps 1 and 2 in the book "Paths to Recovery" for a week. He still wants to see me and someday get married meanwhile-hes gonna get help - its gonna get better he says. I am suffering internally. This has gone on for 2 years. Sept. 13 I cried and begged for him to either get help and work steps. (He was in AA 10 years ago) and had started back drinking right before I met him. or leave me alone. He has a choice. I needed him to make decison by the following weekend not so that I could go on and date anyone else, but to stop the cycle. Well, he did not get in program and on fri sept18 he spent the night with x-wife. He had just spent the night with me on the12th of sept. He now calls me and says he wants to get help (once again) for me to hang on. I cope ok as long as I fix my mind to the program but I miss him so much and love him dearly and want him to get help. I am forgiving but I cant take much more. I am willing to stand by him only if he changes the alcoholic behavior. Otherwise, what do I do with the love I have for him?
-- Edited by usedup64 on Wednesday 23rd of September 2009 01:08:54 PM
Aloha Used Up....What to do with love of A? I had to learn a different definition of love cause mine was in appropriate and when I learned a new definition it included loving myself. I had to learn the difference twix love and lust and love and addiction.
Lots to learn...
What I read in your post reminds me of the insanity of this cunning, powerful and baffling disease. When all evidence told me to stop I worked harder at it. Coming to understand myself as a fixer I understand that I attempt to do the impossible and get the best out of broken.
Stay with the step lessons and the literature. I hope you are including face to face Al-Anon meetings cause that is where you will find lots of examples of Higher Power which comes up in step 3 and who is (for me) a much greater power; more caring and loving than my alcoholic wife was who I turned everything over to at one time. Nothing came back except more and more insanity. I had to stop also.
It is truly hard and I relate. I tell you I would have never married my Ah had I known what I know now.
Even if he is on program for ten years I don't want to be with him. A's relapse, even after many years or days. It is all part of the disease.
I will not go thru that again. no way. Would you want to go thru what you are again and worse?
He has cheated on you now too. I think that is what clinched it for me.
I have had a relationship online and on the phone for years with someone. It is turning into something very special. All on its own. I know now that I hung onto my Ah in some ways becuz number one HP is who gave us our marriage, and I know I could live with him again, and becuz I choose to be responsible for him legally.
BUT now that this friend of mine, and I are geez making a milestone, I know I would divorce my AH as soon as my friend is free and ready to remarry.
He has a AW that is a mess. I have supported him and his marriage for many years. Ended up helping him to problem solve as wife is always laying around smoking and loaded. so sad.
He has helped me thru everything.
I guess what I am saying is, look at your options, there are great people out there that are not addicts. My choice is not to be around one as my spouse ever again.
Working on you, getting healthy you will see for yourself, that the love you really want is not with an active A. And sometimes not with an a at all.
Firstly, loving someone else more then you love yourself is always a dangerous place to be. That sounds like you may have no limits or boundaries to the extent you will go, even if it's at the risk of you sanity or health. We need to build strong boundaries for our protection. By doing so we learn to put ourselves first.
I always remember what a oldtimer in Alanon told me.."If they are actively drinking, when their lips are moving they are lying. Don't listen to the words, watch their actions." IMO, His actions with his X while stringing you along speaks volumes. Deal breaker!!
Boundaries also require consequences if the boundaries are crossed (for your protection, not to punish him). You required that he make a decision about his drinking. You said: I needed him to make decison by the following weekend not so that I could go on and date anyone else, but to stop the cycle. Well, he did not get in program and on fri sept18 he spent the night with x-wife. Personally, I would consider those actions to be an answer as to what was best for me..
What do you do with the love? We sometimes come to realize we are in love with what "could be" or "what was". We then must face "what is" and have to ask ourselves some hard questions. The tools of Alanon will assist you no matter what.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks so much for replys. I have much to think about and know I must give him/his problem to God and stay out of it. Its hard not to answer when he calls, but it gets so crazy. The lying and cheating (different women) have been a pattern, he says "because he feels rejected by me". I cant take this anymore. I feel so disrespected, dissappointed, angry, sad and the list goes on. I have been going to f2f meetings since mid July. Sometimes I cant even focus on today no matter how hard I try. I just want to escape so badly. I am struggling with believing what he says he wants and what he is doing. Just last night he told me I was obsessed. Yes I am absessed with finding peace of mind. He accuses me of psyhoanalyzing- all I am saying is that you are making your choices so i will make mine. I have asked him not to call or email or anything anymore. I can never regain trust as long as he is actively drinking. Possibly, if he were working a program/in recovery. After he cheated this last time- on Sept 26th he got on his knees and begged for apology and asked me to put this big ass diamond ring back on because he was so serious in wanting to show me he was gonna prove to me he could do it. I BELIEVED HIM AGAIN. Well it has not changed and I am really tired. I had promised that I would never take it off again. Because I believed he was going to get help. Now I feel like hating him because I made a promise and i am stuck wearing this diamond that means nothing to him. I am so tried, worn out and just want to get away......................
