The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really struggling lately, badly. I believe A LOT of it is the time of year....it's a really hard time of year for me (sad because Fall is my all time FAVORITE SEASON!!), and I can feel it getting harder daily, and I'm afraid to be honest. I know HP is here with me and by my side and I can't loose sight of that because we all know if left to my own demise WOW can I make a mess of things........big messes!!!
EXABF and I met Nov 3, and broke up a year later Nov 14th, the six months that followed were insanity at its finest.........During that last two months together (this time last year) I was starting to realize I needed help and that even with EXABF i was still feeling very empty and unhappy. Of course I couldn't tell him that, so things got crazy between us....
I can feel A LOT of old emotions and unresolved feelings surfacing again and am not certain what to do or where to go with it all-other than to as many meetings as I can-lol! it's just a time of struggle for me and I'm antsy not knowing where to go with it all......UGH!!!
I can't seem to get him off my mind for long at all, or what was or last year this time. I'm reflecting back a lot-to both the good and the bad and I know there is no point in looking that way unless I am planning on going that way.
What I want to do more than anything, is what I always do when I get this "off" feeling and that is just to isolate and seclude myself until it passes, bury it all inside and hope it goes away.
What I'm doing now, thanks to this program, is reaching out to anyone and everyone who can offer ESH, posting, praying, reading the literature, calling people in the program and keeping in touch and going to meetings. I'm making many plans to get out and enjoy the fall season from hikes around the lake to scenic overlooks to Fall Follage shows, ......BUT through all of that I STILL feel "off" and still can't get him or the past out of my head lately. I feel "stuck" right now, like I'm looking back and can't go forward and unsure what is the next right step to take.
Any ESH is always appreciated, and though as was pointed out yesterday, I might not always get it the FIRST time, I do eventually get it:) Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
For me, grieving was/is a process. I tried to avoid grieving, I distracted myself with other men, other people's problems, food, anything I could to avoid doing the work and feeling the feelings. And when the feelings did creep in despite my best efforts, I wondered what was wrong with me.
A friend in the program told me there was not a thing "wrong" with me. It was all just part of the process. I could go thru it now, or I could put it off with distractions but eventually I would have to deal with myself. I really hated hearing that. Then she told me time takes time. I almost hit her!!! I mean, I WAS doing the work, so WHY did I STILL have feelings???? Isn't that what the work was all about? So that I could only be content and happy????? She was a very wise woman....and I really hated her for awhile.
With my ex, I have to revisit the past every now and then. My perspective on it all changes as I learn and grow and change in the present. Then, when I look back, I see it differently. I am very gentle with myself and I listen to what my body and heart are telling me. Sometimes I need to be alone and really grieve. I don't push myself to do things because I think I "should" or others think I "should".
I have erased my time frame for being "over" what happened between my ex and myself. I am guessing I will never be over it but I will learn how to incorporate it into my life, into the story that is all uniquely mine.
The greatest hope I have gotten form this program recently is to listen to myself, my heart and my desires and to know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be but that I won't be here forever.
As they say... Nothing at all wrong with Looking back... Just don't Stare...
You have had many ups and downs of late, and have handled them well.. As said above, sometimes we close off the greiving processes in order to distract it with other things... Its OK to feel the way you do, you have feelings like all of us, and getting to the root of them is key... Keep Dig'n Girl... You'll find your answers...
You will find your way thru this, no matter what direction You decide to go... you are working your program, doing the work, and evenually it will pay off for you... I will carry your faith till you are ready to carry it your self...
Shelly, I know how youre feeling, being off is where I am too..the new information about my AH is still lying heavy and I feel stuck too, but I know it will pass, this horrible feeling again...I just let it happen now, cant fight it, do what I can to keep busy, fill my life with friends, even when i want to be alone, thats not really the best place for me, where I will dwell...and how much i want to do this, but i am just letting it lie there and the burden will get lighter as i come to terms with what has happened this year to a marriage i thought was forever and a husband i thought loved and cared for me, that kind of love I dont need...the love and support i get now is worth so much more and i remind myself of that. Everyone knows how i feel and support me, im thankful for that and it helps heal....keep going Shelly as I said before, we will get there. Hugs Lillyx
If I spend all this time searching for the perfect mate, as opposed to spending the time working my program and getting myself in a better place emotionally, spiritually and physically and READY for a better real genuine relationship, then even if I would find the "perfect" mate-it wouldn't last-I'd still be the same old codie me and it would end, and the cycle would continue to repeat.....so in a sense all my searching IS actually wasting the time that I am soooo afraid of wasting in the long run, because I will just continue to repeat the cycle and never move forward in a "normal" relationship with anyone. Maybe all the "searching" was keeping me busy so I didn't have to think about any of this, or my part in what is going on in my life.
Please insert "thinking about XBF" into the place of "searching for perfect mate", it's the same thing. The process is also the same. It's real hard to walk forward while always looking back.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You have a great plan....more meetings...reading literture...making program calls....reaching out to program contacts.... the only thing I don't see there is working the steps. A really good 4th and 5th step on the old relationships and my past was so very helpful and freeing!
I am 2 years out from leaving the ex A. I still grieve and grieve. He is not on my mind every minute but I know when I was in grief mode he was. I had to grieve the illusion I lost.
I'm having a hard time right now too. It comes and goes. Some times are easier than others and for me being sick and him not being there for me made me resent him all over again and lash out. All we can do is the best we can with what we have right now. I agree that grief is not all out at once and some things we may never 'get over' but incorporate into what is uniquely you.
This is exactly what I am afraid of. I love my ABF dearly and I would do anything for him. I have to wonder sometimes if I truly love him, or if I truly want to save him. IF I do leave him, will things get better, will I be sad when I think about him, how will I cope? I am sure that in a year, I will be in your shoes. Being with an A is a hard job, which being without them should be easier right? I do not have many words of wisdom to offer because I am not there yet, but what I can say is that you seem to be doing what you need to be doing for yourself. Keep doing that, and don't look back. In a year, I will be posting exactly what you did, and hopefully you can offer me words of advice. Take Care. You are in my thoughts.
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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and Today is a Gift. Which is why they call it the present.
