The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Although it is the middle of the night I cannot sleep. I am so thankful for this message board full of like souls for helping to remind me how crazy it can SEEM when in an alcoholic relationship.
As a public figure in a very small community, it's hard to get f2f or alanon meetings and the support of the folks here has meant the world to me. I cannot express how much. THANK YOU!!
Finally, I am planning to leave my alcoholic BF. We have a 10 month old son together and I have tried for six years and through my pregnancy and my child's first year to stay. He will never go to AA, says counseling is too expensive and denies now completely he has any problem with alcohol. The problem, you see, is me. The problem is that I stay with him when I have known he will never get help and will therefore continue his patterns of behavior endlessly.
At first, after the last terrible alcoholic episode during my pregnancy, he promised to quit drinking, then he started again (no big deal to him...he said he cannot live without having a few beers now and then) and then I found out the truth a few weeks after I had my son: he was also a compulsive gambler and had gambled over $15k of money his parents had given him to start a business. He even gambled while I was in the hospital in the first days of our son's life, I found out.
He finally told me about the gambling when my son was less than a month old, tears and sobbing and begging forgiveness. I said I would try to stay if he would give up drinking which led to poor decision making (among other things in our lives). Money for the last two years has been really tight and I work my butt off at my own business and we do not have money to waste on his addictions. He agreed. Then he started again drinking and before long he was lying to me again, going out of town with his buddies and telling me the car broke down (drunk and gambled all his money) or finding work out of town where he would drink to inebriation every night (while telling me he was sober and that I was the one making problems).
Finally, I gave up and gave it all to my HP, trusted that I could control nothing and tried my best to live life, with him, for the sake of my son. In six years it had gotten at least better and maybe if I backed off it would continue to do so. He is a master manipulator and half of the time I feel completely responsible for every problem we have ever had, but all he has to do is have a known relapse and I am reminded that I've done little more than stay by the alcoholic and that's been all it's taken to make me responsible.
I have had to cover for him with his family countless times, make excuses and defend him to friends and family for despicable behavior to me but now, even as small as the final straw is, it has broken me and I am done.
In the last two weeks he has gone out and gotten trashed twice, both times avoiding my calls and me. As far as I know he did not gamble or lose money (and we are SO broke and he has no consistent work) but who knows at this point what the truth is. The last time, last Thursday, he did not come home or call until 10 a.m. the next morning. This was a good step, as my boundary had finally become: "If you drink, do not come anywhere near me or your son." Hung over that morning, though, he admitted alcohol was a real problem for him and he could not even have one drink, and would I help him stay clean. I told him it was time for him to leave (we live in a spec home he built with his parents money and pay rent to them for). His parents have no idea he has been gambling again, and I have never seen them care that he gets wasted and aggressive, they actually keep his glass filled when we visit or vice versa. His mom is a heavy evening drinker and I don't know if they see his disease, but I could never count on them to help. They have a "don't talk about issues" policy in their family (and maybe they will go away by themselves?). He said if I did not make him leave than he would quit drinking for a year.
Okay. I bargained. I hoped this was the end. But the last four days of my life have been near hell with him. He now says he never said any of this, has no problem and needs to go out and get "sh*tfaced" every few weeks and that is just who he is. Forget the tens of thousands of dollars in gambling losses, forget the dear harm he has done in the past to me and himself. He has picked on me for days, jumping on anything I say with the end result of the argument being that I cannot control him and he needs to drink and it's no big deal if he wants to drink. Bottom line: this man is not interested in changing at all unless he is hung over.
This morning it was a FIVE HOUR fight because I was upset he had not followed through on something he promised he would do to help my business, and we lost an important and financially valuable client. But somehow, it became my fault, and with my son in my arms he screamed at me that he hated me, and had hated me for years and that I was mentally unstable and my whole family was crazy and I would turn out like them and so on and so on until I was huddled in a ball crying begging him to stop because it hurt so so badly to hear his view of me, the mom of his kid, the woman who had stood by him for six years. I know I am a flawed person, and I make mistakes and I have my own demons but I am not the horrible names he called me. Finally it got back to the same issue: he needed a drink. Just four days. That's as far as he made it.
To say this morning was brutal is really sugar-coating it. He was terrible. I told him I was tired of lying to people for him and he lost it, and grabbed on to that statement as being so terrible and hurtful he could never forgive me. Yet after he smashed his phone against the wall in a rage and called his parents to get a new one, he had to concoct some story. Then his mom called me back to "laugh" about the funny way he had backed over his phone with his car...and I was lying and covering for him again.
He does not think he has a problem and maybe he doesn't. I know I do. I know that if I stay in this relationship my son is truly going to be hurt, will grow up without knowing what love, compassion, trust, honesty and integrity mean, and maybe even brutalizing women because he sees them as weak. So today I started making my real plans, looking for a place to move, somehow to progress away from this life.
Thank you for letting me vent, and letting me get 1/100th of my story out there. I am ready to get away from this life and I am scared, really scared, about being alone and what will happen to him. I know he loves us and it will be hard for him, but I know I cannot live with someone who thinks nothing of screaming his rage and hatred at me because he is afraid he will not get to get drunk.
I wish it could be different but this is real. He has dragged me down financially, emotionally and in every way for too long and I have simply ignored it, and pretended that it was going to get better, clung to the help and support he has given me, and the good days. But it won't get better until I leave for good. And then, I guess I have to get to a place where I really do not care what happens to him. This morning he blamed me for the loss of his friendships, his miserable unhappiness and he told me repeatedly how he would be so much happier without me and that he was only with me for our son. But I think everyone on this board knows what will happen. He is not going to stop gambling and drinking because I leave or am gone, and it will not stop having an effect on his life.
So this afternoon when he came to pick up our son downtown, he just kept saying how much he wanted a beer. I told him I did not care. Having our son in his arms kept him from going into the smoky bars but he found an outside cafe to smoke and drink in. I met him there (thankfully one of my best friends had shown up and had the baby) and smiled and pretended that it was all cool and fun, but he was getting the glassy agro-stare soon enough and took off to find someone to drink with.
When I got home he had hit my small supply of wine and was starting his slurry drunk. I made dinner, smiling, kissing him, being sweet and normal, but after he went to bed I could not sleep. I could not rest because it was just the beginning of another cycle where he becomes drunk, self-absorbed in numbing his own pain and then plays Russian roulette with our lives and my sanity again. So that's it.
It's funny how angry and sad and furious and perplexed I have been for years and now I feel so calm and with such a sense that everything WILL be okay. It will be tough, but it will be okay. I hope to be out of here by mid-October and I do not like lying to him but if I think of my son and the preservation of my sanity I think it is worth it for a few weeks.
All my friends and family know what has been going on (as much as I try to hide it and have defended him), and will be a great source of support, I know. I am also planning on setting up some counseling sessions and getting to the only al-anon meeting some 50 miles from here when I can, but I would appreciate any suggestions of how to make this transition easier for me. Thank you so much for listening. Writing all of this makes it real and I need that right now. Does anyone else feel like they are losing their mind? Is anyone else with a manipulative Alcoholic who twists everything they say or do just to get a drink or a drunk out of it?
This is it! I'm going to move on with MY life and make a good one for me and my son! Please, wish us luck!
I'm sorry that your life is what it is right now. Much of what you wrote I can relate to personally and I have heard here on this board and within the walls of f2f Alanon mtgs. You will learn from others, and perhaps you have already from your own experience that Alcoholism is a disease that is cunning and baffling and one that we did not cause, cannot cure and cannot control.
I have a 5 yr old son and living separately from my exaH has been the most difficult decision I have ever made. It has now been almost a year of living apart and there are many gains I have made over this past year to create more serenity and peace in mine and my sons life. It would not be the same for me if I didn't attend Alanon meetings and have the opportunity to learn from others and share my fears, sadness, apprehensions, disappointments, grief, and ambitions. The support in those groups are like none else I've ever known. You mentioned a certain element of "shame" associated with going to Alanon and I can relate to that too. I was very apprehensive and I thought I didn't want to be like what I imagined "those" people in "those" meetings were. The disease of Alcoholism is not picky. It will affect many people, from many different walks of life, including every socioeconomic bracket. What I have learned by going to Alanon is that I do belong, because I have been affected by Alcoholism. So much so that I completely lost who I was because I have been so consumed with what my exaH was doing or not doing or should be doing or might be doing... Alanon reminds me, time and time again, to take control of my life, my decisions, my actions, my feelings and tailor make my life to suit me, regardless of what my exaH is doing with his life. This is a program of progress not perfection and I personally have many slips and I am grateful to have this board and Alanon mtgs to share those slips in also.
I am glad you found this board. I am glad you are here. Sounds like you are in the right place. Welcome.
I too can relate to much of your situation. I too have bargained with my AH. Bargaining is part of the acceptance process, I have found. It helps us accept the situation as it really is so that we can move on to the next right thing. I too have watched him be unable to fulfill his commitment to stop drinking and seek recovery.
It's painful to watch them self-destruct. But in the end we have to take care of ourselves and our children, whatever that looks like. For me, this means I will be filing for divorce in a couple of weeks. My kids deserve at least one sane, happy parent and to not be constantly exposed to the chaos and drama of living with an active alcoholic.
If you can't get to f2f meetings regularly or as often as you need to, there are online meetings in the chatroom here twice a day. These meetings and this board have been my lifeline for the past year now and I can't imagine going a day without at least visiting either one of them.
Here's the link to the chatroom:
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
And here's the meeting schedule:
9 AM EST Mon-Fri 9 PM EST Mon-Sat 10 AM EST Sat & Sun 7 PM EST Sunday (Open for General Chat between meetings)
hello and welcome , it has been said many times that a practicing alcoholic has no anonymity , u would be suprised how many people are aware that he has a problem , the last person to figure it out is usually the alcoholic . Lying for him , making excuses for him , believing his lies over and over again are what we call enabling , we actually help them to drink , that statement really ticked me off when it was brought to my attention . I helped him drink ??? Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing changes , except it gets worse I hope u reconsider going to f2f meetings , they are a safe place to share whats going on with you , anonymity is the basis of our program and 99 percent of the people there respect that . U need support from people with skin on em there is nothing like an Al-Anon hug of acceptance and understanding . this board is great but u miss so much by not attending f2f meetings . There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself and son . Louise
I'm new here and really just reading so I dont feel so alone and like I'm the only one. the bargaining has not worked for me either. good luck. i wish i was as brave
I'm in a place of relation with you where I've finally had enough. I actually told my AH about two weeks ago that very thing. I cannot live with him - it is killing me. But I had the conversation with him in a cool and collected manner. I feel I slipped in telling him when he asked how we can stay together that we'd have to see counseling if that's what he wanted.
He chose counseling.
I am glad to say that I have finally reached the place in my life where I know without a doubt that I'll be okay if I leave him. And now I'm in a place where I'm thinking "jeez... how much longer do I drag this out?" because he chose counseling for us.
Trying not to enter this counseling thing with a cynical mind... however I'm not really expecting miracles here, either.
I gave him the choice. This is his... I'm letting him take the initiative and choose the counselor and schedule the appointments. I know I still have a choice here, too... I know I'll be hearing him talk the talk, but my eyes are going to be entirely on his walk. I can choose at any time to say, "Nope... the counseling isn't doing it, either." and still choose to leave.
I still feel my living with him and joining him in counseling is still only going to be enabling him... but I know for sure that I plan to take advantage of our counseling sessions to get very CLEAR with him on just how hurt and scared I am, and let it be known that while I know I've played parts in our diminishing relationship, it is most certainly NOT all my fault and he's played a huge part in how things have come to be.
I'm trying not to make this sound awful or thoughtless or anything, but really, being SO clear in knowing I'm going to be okay if this doesn't work out is sort of like knowing I have a wonderful full-time job when I've decided to take on a part-time job just to fill time. I know if things don't work at that part-time job for any reason that I'll be fine in the long run.
I am SO grateful for my Al-Anon family here, though. I don't feel so alone in this... I know I have the friends in the fellowship to lean on, and I am grateful that I do have a loving family, although they live 3,000 miles away, they'll still support me no matter the distance.
I hope you can get to some f2f meetings - even if you are a public figure, no one's going to "out" you. Anonymity is THAT important to us. I just wish that same person-to-person support for you that I know I have developed here in my own small town.
It's funny how angry and sad and furious and perplexed I have been for years and now I feel so calm and with such a sense that everything WILL be okay. It will be tough, but it will be okay. I hope to be out of here by mid-October and I do not like lying to him but if I think of my son and the preservation of my sanity I think it is worth it for a few weeks.
All my friends and family know what has been going on (as much as I try to hide it and have defended him), and will be a great source of support, I know. I am also planning on setting up some counseling sessions and getting to the only al-anon meeting some 50 miles from here when I can, but I would appreciate any suggestions of how to make this transition easier for me.
Dear Lone Wolf,
First let me say KUDOS to you for taking care of you and that precious child! You two come first! I would get a sponsor and keep in this program - working this program has literally saved my life and my sanity! Good work! You're going to be just FINE! I can tell!
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Making a plan be was an essential transition for me. I no longer have 5 hour fights with anyone.
I did though for years and years with the ex. The arguing was non step. I've really learned for me the boundaries these days are clear sharp and not open to discussion. I was always talked out of every boundary I had with him until I got enough al anon under my belt.
This place is a great great resource for you. I also cannot recommend highly enought Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew.
there is nothing like an Al-Anon hug of acceptance and understanding . this board is great but u miss so much by not attending f2f meetings .