The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok. My way isn't working out so hot. The idea I had implanted that I am master of my own destiny lent itself to a lot of manipulations of facts, and some distortions of reality. The consequence of this was that while oft times, I DID get to where I wanted to go, I was mislead into thinking I was somehow more "cool" than I really was. The truth is that I"ve been pretty damn lucky, and that's all their is to it. I can't control the future here. I don't know how long I'll be alive, or how long anyone will be alive. I don't know who will die first, and I don't know who I'll greive and who I won't until it happens. All I can do is enjoy today and the time I get with people I care about. Another thing I can do is live my life like it will be over tomorrow. If I died tomorrow... what would I think of my life in review?
I can't control who loves me and who doesn't even like me. All I can do is be fair to everyone, and to not judge. I ask God to help me with this because I am opinionated and oftetimes I am critical, especially of the people I love the most. I can also be there for the people I care about, listen to them, nurse them, help them however I can. But I can't do that if I'm not taking care of myself. To take care of myself, I need to recognize what I can and can't do for others. I need to stick to my gut when it has a feeling that I shouldn't get involved, or ask more questions before I get involved. I also need to eat well, get exercise, and have fun with my life. If I am not taken care of, how can I be of use to others?
I ask God to help me with this as well because sometimes I am the last on my list of errands to make, my needs often rank 2nd. I recognize that this is one of the ways I show love for others is to put their needs with mine, or ahead of mine. Sometimes I want other people to think about because I'm sick of thinking about myself and my own life. There is a lot of work for me to do, adn I'm tired just thinking about it.
I was on steps 4 and 5, but I needed to come back to the beginning again, to remind myself, I guess, of what it was that got this whole thing started. In doing the fearless moral history, I've been sorely saddened by how just downright awful I've been in some instances. I'm not done beating myself up over that. Someday I hope to be.... someday, I think I will be. But right now, I'm not Ok. And it's Ok to not be Ok. I need to be where I'm at, so I'm not going to fake like I'm great when really my head is full of regret and my heart is heavy with remorse. I told someone to kill himself and then he did, and that is the hardest thing of all for me right now. I don't think anyone out there can tell me how to let that go. His death was so permanent, and he was my family member and I was supposed to care about him, not banish him to the wolves. I realize that I'm being evicted and have 1 week to move out.... I got into a car accident almost 2 years ago, and that still scares me because my son was with me and for some reason, I feel like the accident was meant to be-- like it MEANS something. It didn't just happen... it meant something. I wasn't living right, or being right, and so I got what I deserved. but my son was there. it had just been me, I"d be Ok with that. I can suffer the consequences of my actions. But it isn't fair to make him pay. That was a sneaky trick by someone or other to make me pay more direly than was needed.
And that is the price for being a mom, for loving a child. The things we do don't just come back to us... they come back on our whole families, children too. My choices affect him as much as they affect me. I am not just me anymore. It's not just me who suffers when I make a bad decision. DUH! He's 15 and NOW, I am learning this?
I feel so stupid! And so sorry. He could have died, or I could have died and left him parentless. I mean, that didn't happen, but it's been 2 years and I'm not over it yet. I am still really bothered/disturbed by the accident. My son is too.
I am being evicted because of no fault of my own, except that I wasn't in a position to buy a house when I moved in here 5 years ago. I wasn't in a position to buy a place because it was christmas time and I was leaving my then-husband, and going back to school. I was leaving my husband because I had married him, which was a mistake. I sorta knew it was a mistake at the time... it was one time where I needed to acknowlwedge what was real, talk about the elephants in the living room while I explored the best options... and leap into marriage ONLY when my eyes were both wide open. So you see, one thing has lead to another and it happens to mean I'm being evicted now. Again, my choices have gotten us here. And my son is very upset and stressed out about the move. WE'll stay in town, but he might not be living by his friends.
I am afraid of making another mistake, in general, any mistake. And I don't want to be paralyzed by it, but I feel like I need more time to find the RIGHT place to live. 1 week is not long enough, but if I have to find something temporary, so be it. I just want to move in with my fiance, but he lives out of town, AND... big AND... we aren't ready to live together. AS much as I want to play house with him and start the next chapter in our lives, my son comes first. If I move in with a man, it will affect him. If we move out of town, it will affect him.
God, grant me the patience and humility to do what is right by my son. I have a feeling that to do right by him means doing right by me. When he's Ok, I am Ok. When I am Ok, he's Ok. God heal me. I can't heal myself. I try, but it just hurts more.
You are correct that you aren't master of your destiny, but you are master of the choices that affect your destiny. We can't change our pasts but we sure can change our futures. We can do that by living in the "now". Asking ourselves "what is the best choice for this day, this minute?" I wish you the best choices for you and your son.. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aloha Woops...Recovery works best when it is a guided journey. I sure hope you are doing this with a loving caring, compassionate, empathetic, experienced sponsor. There's gotta be someone there to love you when you are not loving yourself. I tried self sponsoring and then fired myself...got one as suggested and that worked sooooo much better.
thanks all. I am much better today. STBAH came back from 20 days out of state with a present for me, and that helped a lot. All in all, he loves me, and honestly, in many ways I haven't felt as good or as balanced in a llong time. I mean, I was REALLY bad, for years. Now, I have way more good days than bad. and my bad days aern't half as bad as they used to be. I had some pretty weird energy there for a while. Regarding a sponsor, I have a feeling that "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" It'll happen, I think. Same goes with where Im meant to live. I'm leaving that up to God as well. there is a house I love a lot, but the price is out of reach, only JUST out of reach, but even only just is too much. I've talked to the owner and he'll let me rent it for 9 months and then he has to put it back on the market. I said I didn't want to do a 9 month and have to move again, but that I'd do a 1 year lease with the option to buy... he said he'd talk to his wife about it. Also, I have pets, so he's going to talk to her about that.
I have to be out in 5 days, and don't have a place to go. STBAH says "You always have a home here." and I appreciate that so much. We'll see what happens. It's a good thing I love to camp!!!
