The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello... I am new to this site and fairly new Al Anon. I have a sister who is twenty years sober and a ABF who was in recovery last time I saw him. So I have some knowledge on how things work in Al Anon and AA. I have attended two online meetings(wonderful) and hope to do a f2f soon. I have read the big book and How Al Anon Works. I am trying to work the first step at the moment. I know there is a road to recovery awaiting me if I so choose it...
But I just needed to let some things out today. Please bear with me.. Finding it rough today. My ABF was in recovery last time I saw him(long distance)..he was working his program and doing ok while he was here. The thing is when he leaves to return home, he starts to binge almost as soon as he gets on the airplane. But this time I am not even sure if this is happening. Ya see I have not heard from him in two weeks and I am out of mind with worry, anger and resentment. I feel abandoned and I dont like feeling that way anymore.
I am not sure what to do with myself. I read my books, I pray to my HP almost all the time, but I feel lost. Do I have the "poor me" going on here or what? I don't like feeling weak or that this ABF has taken over my constant thoughts.
Any suggestions out there?? Keep attending meetings? Sometimes I am not even sure if I belong here in Al Anon? Is that common?
Love and hugs to all here..I know your pains and your joys.. Thanks for listening..
p.s. on a positive note..I quit smoking in Jan 09 and have not had one since, but was put through the ringer this weekend with the thoughts of him. I found myself craving a cigarette at 2:00 am!! I nearly jumped in the car and bought that fatal pack. I cried for an hour and prayed to my HP that I would not start smoking again and the next thing I knew, I was awake and it was a new day, still smoke free..I thank my HP.. :)
-- Edited by maggiemayhem on Monday 21st of September 2009 12:14:42 PM
-- Edited by maggiemayhem on Monday 21st of September 2009 12:15:33 PM
Welcome to MIP! Yes, you have come to the right place. Lots of experience, strength and hope here. In the program we learn that our "normal" is not "normal to others not living with alcoholism. For myself, I pile it on - reading the literature, going to meetings (AA and Alanon), calling my sponsor, and living it. I have my down days. And I just have to keep working at giving it over to my HP. It is the alcoholic life to live. Hard I know. They tell us to focus on ourselves.
YEA to quitting smoking. There will be triggers. Have an alternative ready. I quit in 1981 and have never looked back. Best thing I ever did.
Hello and welcome , well from your post i think your living in step 2 rather than working step 1 Insanity is running rampant , there is nothing u can do about his drinking or his recovery thier both up to him . Step one is a constant reminder that I cannot control anyone but me and if i worry and get all caught up in the dilema of * is he or isn't he * my life imediatly becomes unmanagable . actually I don' t have a life as I am once more obsessing about something I have no control over . been there done that way too many times . If you have our book ODAT - go to page on July 14th , that page and the detachment pamphlet changed my life . I read that page everday for months til I was actually able to do what it suggested . when I understood completley what it was saying to me , my life got better . goodluck keep going to your meetings and your gonna be just fine . Louise
For me, it was realizing that MY WAY WAS NOT WORKING... not for me, not for him, not for anyone. I was freaking out all the time and obsessing. It's not in my nature to do that, but from the day he said he is an addict, I started wanting to control some outcome in his life/my life.... "My life would be perfect if he wasn't an addict!"
See, before he told me he was an addict, I was living what I thought was a miracle romance. But then I started seeing little things here and there, and asking about them, digging into them. Until finally he said during an arguement "Yes, because I am addicted." I wanted to correct him and say "no you aren't" or "Na, you just____" Or flat out "I don't beleive that."
But he said it, and it rang true. I couldn't even get the words "take it back" out of my mouth. Men don't make up things like that. I learned long ago, the hard way, that when a man tells me something about himself, that I best listen and take him at his word, and for god sakes, QUIT trying to change him into the thing I need him to be.
If your ABF is in an AA program, he might be needing to do what he can to just take care of himself. He might need down time... and that might mean that he can't worry about you, and making you happy, and concerning himself with your reactions to him. He is already feeling low. He doesn't need to feel like he's letting someone else down right now. He'll most likely call you when he gets to step 8, is it? WHen we make amends? Let him be. Live and let live. Or better yet, live and let God.
that is, at least, my take on things. SO, if I were you, I"d follow his lead and start taking care of you. Concentrate on YOU, and get your life going in the way you want it to be. Start with step one.
Aloha Maggie...you'll find lots of us here and in the face to face meetings and that's how to find love until you are able to love yourself. You are alone with yourself and without your alcoholic...kinda like being between a rock and a hard place. There are other places to be...face to face and MIP and with a sponsor too!!
A big THANK YOU to all who shared and answered my questions!! Wow, your responses all came at different times, but at the right times for me throughout my last 24 hours. I feel better and have sought out some f2f meetings in my area. I am having my second, (maybe even a third and fourth) f2f meeting this week..my last one was 6 months ago.
In my heart I know this is where I belong..now if my head would follow at times. lol
Insanity is running rampant , there is nothing u can do about his drinking or his recovery thier both up to him . Step one is a constant reminder that I cannot control anyone but me and if i worry and get all caught up in the dilema of * is he or isn't he * my life imediatly becomes unmanagable . actually I don' t have a life as I am once more obsessing about something I have no control over . been there done that way too many times . 