The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its never takes long for when the exaH and I get f2f to end up in disagreement. Today, there was a concerning medical issue with our little boy and we both wanted to be part of the doc appt. I thought, it's okay to be united for our son, right?
Before long it was the same old same old...best described as us both being on polar opposites. He can't relate to me anymore. I can't relate to him anymore. He is North and he likes it there. I am South and I have no intention of ever moving. It's not stubborness per say, I don't believe, it's just we are so very different and those differences that at one time we each found very attractive in one another, are now the driving force for annoyance, irritation, and incompatibility, mostly on my part.
Our ride home from the medical appt included me pointing out to him the areas of his life that I find terribly dishevelled that are only going to lead him to more of the same chaos and mess that I most certainly don't want any part of. It also included him revisiting the accusations he has made of me time and time again over the years about my supposed indiscreet behaviour with another man. (The same accusations that he's apologized whole heartedly for in the past, saying that it was inappropriate for him to accuse and that he knows that I'm not that kind of woman, etc. But today, I AM that kind of woman, once again, and so the mud-slinging begins...) This is not unity for our son, our son could have and should have done without this all together.
Arghhhhhhhh
Working my program needs to include letting go of the idea that one day, we will magically and amazingly come together in a healing way that will enable us to love one another whole heartedly, trustingly, unconditionally. It's not going to happen.
Working my program needs to include not coordinating or being agreeable to spending time with him in any way shape or form, for any reason, ... for we cannot do that civilly and it always leads to tension and a disruption of serenity for all.
AND...working my program needs to include focusing on my own behaviour that I can change, rather than someone else's who may or may not....
letting go...letting go...letting go....
Rora
-- Edited by Rora on Monday 21st of September 2009 03:48:04 PM
I have never really posted on here but after reading your post wanted to give you some support.
I know that when people are confronted with something they dont want to hear about themselves they want to turn it around on the person confronting them, even if that means bringing up old lies or something malicous and hurtful, at that point they are aiming to cause pain. No, this isn't fair for your son to listen to, espcially when he is ill. You and your ex should agree to leave everything personal aside on visits and durring medical treatment. It will take a lot of work from both of you, and right now you are the stronger person and will have to work harder to make it work, ignore the juvenille attempts to get a rise out of you, and drop whatever subject caused it. Hopefully in time he will appreciate what you sacrifice for your son and will come around.
I struggle with this with my AHsober. It is part of our cycle. Adn it is a cycle. Very predictable. And lets not leave out that they try to provoke us to prove that we are the sickos. When I go to the AA meetings, the A's tell me to drop the rope. And I think what's the rope? For me it is reacting and taking his inventory. I am now focused on saying "oh" and you could be right. With this man, I cannot give him anything to throw back at me. I have given up on compromise for the sake of the children (ours are grown). The children seem to be off limits too. He doesn't work a program so almost everything he does and says is in his disease. It is painful for me to realize that there may be no hope at all for reconciliation. I think that is where I come from when I take his inventory (frequently). So for me the less I say the better.
Working my program needs to include letting go of the idea that one day, we will magically and amazingly come together in a healing way that will enable us to love one another whole heartedly, trustingly, unconditionally. It's not going to happen.
Working my program needs to include not coordinating or being agreeable to spending time with him in any way shape or form, for any reason, ... for we cannot do that civilly and it always leads to tension and a disruption of serenity for all.
AND...working my program needs to include focusing on my own behaviour that I can change, rather than someone else's who may or may not....
letting go...letting go...letting go....Rora
-- Edited by Rora on Monday 21st of September 2009 12:37:23 PM
Dear Rora
This is so spot on! I have to work step 3 each day, otherwise, I am sticking my nose in a person, place or thing that I have no control over! My stress level is much less when I keep the first 3 steps on my mind each day! Everyday that I work them, I find another thing that I have not let go of! Wishing and hoping that another will change or a long term situation will change has kept me in contact with a lot of toxic people, where now, accepting what is, I can distance myself from them with no more hope of a cordial relationship and I can keep my distance and feel better
It is so sad for the little boy! My heart goes out to the children of this disease!
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
"...if I can't detach with love, I have to detach with an axe!"
----Ha! Yes, Blender...thank you. Will keep this at the forefront of my mind!
It is so sad for the little boy! My heart goes out to the children of this disease!
-----Yes, I almost always, ok....normally I try to protect my son from this.....ok, sometimes I fail at protecting my son from being witness to the affects this disease has on me and my serenity. It makes me disappointed in myself to know that I engaged in this, that I wavered and chose to partake in the creation of chaos. I will pray that the next time the opportunity presents, I will choose differently. Progress, not perfection.
Don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes we forget our powerlessness. Always helps me to know what my motive is... it's usually to change someone. And then I remember, I don't have the power to do that. Ooops, forgot again.
I have never had a successful argument with the disease. Never. Always felt like I was banging my head bloody. What an unkind thing to do to myself...
Hang in there Rora
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
