The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On my way to work every day, me and my HP usually chat up a storm:) Actually he listens and I let all my thoughts and feelings fly with total abandon. He seems good with that:)
I had a huge moment of clarity over the weekend as I was "browsing" most of the day yesterday off and on,almost obsessively at times, through the online personals, etc., bound and determined to find The One, the Right One. I'm 40 yrs old and it's time to settle down, it's what I want, right? Not necessarily marriage but a committed relationship, someone to be there, to share with, my best friend. I miss that the most:( Don't get me wrong-I still refuse to settle, and I saw where I had done that with the most recent relationship, and how as I've gotten older my "qualifications" for the "perfect" mate have declined in some ways and inclined in others. Now the search yesterday was probally brought on by another failed relationship last week, my son growing older and doing things on his own more, and the time of year approaching where EXABF and I had split.
So as I'm driving to work I am talking this situation over with HP and explaining to him that I sooo really don't want to search right now, or feel up to it necessarily,( it's coming up on the one year anniversary since me and EXABF split and my heart is just not into it-he has been in my thoughts daily the past week. ) But I explain to HP that I'm am 40 years old and if I am going to find that magic again that it took me 40yrs to find with EXABF, then I have to keep pushing, and searching, I can't rest-I can't afford to waste time, and take a chance missing the "perfect" mate, I just have to keep searching.......
And then out of the blue HP spoke to me and I was ecstatic..it was a real AAAA HAAA moment, and made perfect sense.....If I spend all this time searching for the perfect mate, as opposed to spending the time working my program and getting myself in a better place emotionally, spiritually and physically and READY for a better real genuine relationship, then even if I would find the "perfect" mate-it wouldn't last-I'd still be the same old codie me and it would end, and the cycle would continue to repeat.....so in a sense all my searching IS actually wasting the time that I am soooo afraid of wasting in the long run, because I will just continue to repeat the cycle and never move forward in a "normal" relationship with anyone. Maybe all the "searching" was keeping me busy so I didn't have to think about any of this, or my part in what is going on in my life.
Now I'm not saying that I am going to give up dating altogether, but my searching and the obsessive need to replace the chemistry, and connection that I once felt with EXABF, is done. I also realized that almost every time in my life I met someone(the EXABF being the exception) that ended up mattering a great deal, it was not so much when I was looking,but they were instead lead to me.
So the weekend was a learning experience and I'm glad I had it. I stopped long enough to look in the mirror-and I hate doing that now, especially since I am getting older, but I did it and I do feel like a new person because of it.......I always thought time was the enemy, I even told EXABF last year when we split that time was going to destroy us and he kept telling me over and over that it didnt have to be the enemy.
I couldn't see it back then, but I saw it clearly this am with the help of my HP....
thanks for letting me share shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
What a Great Share...Good for you for diggin in deep and handing it over to HP.. I knew you could do it...
ALSO... You are 40 Honey... Your Not Dead, the world will not end because there isn't someone in your life at this time in your life. You are NOT an OLD 40 anyway, we can still Roller Skate with the Best Of them :) You stay Active, and you don't lay down in the eyes of defeat... That shows great YOUTH in you, and all your age is... is Numbers... Nothing more...
I was always told your only as old as you allow yourself to be...So Girlfriend Break the Cycle, and come out a winner... Be Proud of all you have accomplished being a single mom, and doing it on your own, with Very Little Help... Many could not do what you have done...
You have all the time in the world to meet Mr. Right... And I also believe "HE" will Find you when you least expect it... when you quit lookin and Start Livin...
If I spend all this time searching for the perfect mate, as opposed to spending the time working my program and getting myself in a better place emotionally, spiritually and physically and READY for a better real genuine relationship, then even if I would find the "perfect" mate-it wouldn't last-I'd still be the same old codie me and it would end, and the cycle would continue to repeat....
I have to smile a bit at this post. I think many members have suggested the same thing to you. It goes to show that nothing happens until YOU are ready and are ready to hear it..
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
What an incredible insight. I used to have real issues with age and not being married. Since then I've had a number of relationships, most of them a disaster.
I can't say age has much to do with it anymore. I do know that I have much much work to do on myself before I can even imagine being committed to anyone. At the same time I have what I now think is a destructive fantasy of someone who will take care of me and end all my problems. I know full well where that's got me in the past. Behind the fantasy is a huge amount of grief of what I haven't had in life, someone in my corner, someone to share life with, someone to go to when I have problems (which I do in an overwhelming way now). Of course I want a magical solution when I am up against the wall. Someday I hope to have a more reasonable fantasy of partnership rather than rescue. Right now rescue still looks incredibly alluring, reassuring and the key to feeling better.
Of course this isn't the key and I know that but I have very very little experience of even having a nourishing friendship with a man let alone any other contact.
I'm starving for companionship, love and care and I know I have no idea how to go about getting it.
LOL! I think we are two peas in a pod. I gave up looking I mean really LOOKING and took all my singles ads off the online sites... Here's my new plan. Work on me. Sound familiar? Also being 38, wanting so much the connection I had with ex etc. I met him when I was least looking! So now I am into making friends, guy friends, girl friends, people to hang out with and spending as much time as I can OUT with friends. I learned 1 I don't wanna meet someone online 2 I am not going to meet someone sitting at home. So I go do what I love, sing karaoke (competition coming up wednesday :D), dance, boogie board at the beach.... Not to mention walking around the neighborhood and doing stuff at the kids' schools. Each person you meet knows other people it's like a phone tree I think of it as a friend tree and maybe one has a friend who is for me? If not at least I have a lot of friends to show for it...:D
If I spend all this time searching for the perfect mate, as opposed to spending the time working my program and getting myself in a better place emotionally, spiritually and physically and READY for a better real genuine relationship, then even if I would find the "perfect" mate-it wouldn't last-I'd still be the same old codie me and it would end, and the cycle would continue to repeat....
Dear Shelly,
This is so true! I won't barrage you with repeating it! My sponsor told me "no guys until you're in recovery at least 2 years" Yikes! 2 YEARS?? But now I see her wisdom - Get me together and healthier so if someone really does come into my life, I won't mess it up with my codie behaviors - I just put that in HP's hands and work on me! Yes, I mention to my HP that I would love companionship, but I leave it in his hands after I say that! No sense venturing into a relationship if I am not ready for it! Because to do so, would only be back on the rounds and rounds of misery, breakups, toxic relationships - No! Don't want it!
My "cure" for my wanting companionship is to find people at my church or the tennis center and just kind of "hang out- put me out there" - I think I quit looking for mr. right! If he exists, HP will have to drop him in my lap, because , at this stage, I can honestly say I am not looking! If it happens? Fine! If not? Then there are things I can get into and make friends! This February, it will be 8 years for me in recovery! I think I can "hold up my end of a healthy relationship" but I am leaving it up to my HP! Good for you to see this!
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 21st of September 2009 02:53:37 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Yes, it is all so true! Work on being the partner u want to attract in another person ~ working on YOU is all any of us can do.
With my current b/f I was determined to change my behavior. Granted I did not even meet him until I'd gotten busy with self love and was feeling it within. My abadnonment issues seemed to dissolve and I felt content on my own b/c the last thing I wanted was another A. I wanted someone that was willing to be brutally honest and that seeked growth, like I was doing.
When I met this man, we did become friends pretty fast but I was not attracted to him. He was so considerate and thoughtful and we had so much in common. Honestly after dating about a year, i really began to feel my feelings for him increase and it took me by surprise. No, he wasnt really my type but i couldnt deny how great he seemed to be for me. Nice guys, who knew how wonderful they were?
I was determined to be in right now with this man. If he called to cancel plans with me, sure I was hurt momentarily but I put a huge smile on my face (over the phone - incidentally just smiling on the phone makes ur words sound happier) and said, "ok well have fun doing what ur doing" - maybe I cried when I hung up but I wasnt going to let him know I was upset. I wanted him to know I was happy and that little things wouldnt get the best of me and that I was a comfortable haven for him to spend his time with. I consciously and diligently DID NOT think of him when we were not together. I focused on myself. I detached from him and from my idealistic romantic fanstsies about a future -- I got into right here right now - reality.
I owned my feelings and dealt with myself.
Guess what?! it is twi years later, I moved across the country to live with him in February from Houston, TX to Connecticut. He bought us ahouse last month and we moved into it this weekend. He has given me evertyhing I have asked for.
Sure it is a risk. Ive had to set boundaries over the 2 yrs it took to get here. I had to let go of the outcome and see how he responded and if he was willing and able to work with me.
See, I used to base my relationships on passion. Now I know that a good relationship is one in which both parties are willing to work together. Relationships (all of them) are negotiations of power and the fine art of getting ur needs met and compromise.
I did not pursue this guy, for the first time in my life, I let him chase me. I didnt call him, let him call me. If I wanted to see him, I did, and in the mean time, I did what u said, I worked on me, loving me, detaching from all others, MYOB minded my own business, worked a solid program.
My mom always said, let the guy work hard for you but I never undrstood what she meant. I was desperate for intimacy and chased them and was way too aggressive.
Today I can be at peace, ask for what I want and let it go and enjoy this moment. I wont always get what I want but it is so much better to be peaceful and kind in the process.
Im so glad u had this ahha moment and appreciate ur sharing it with us! Now, rock on with your bad self.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
