The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I sure had an action packed weekend. I went out alone on Friday night and managed to have a really fun evening dancing with gorgeous guys and singing karaoke and meeting people to talk to since no one I knew was there (that's highly unusual on a Friday night). At first I was kind of bummed because I couldn't find anyone to hang out with but was determined to have a good time and went anyway and it turned out to be an excellent night!
I felt a little off like I was in a funk and couldn't get motivated to do anything but I managed to drag myself out of bed on Saturday and go to the beach with the kids for a few hours. I worked out and then went out with my girl friend. Her ex boyfriend and 3 of his single friends showed up and we had a great time! I think the the books I have been reading have been helping me to have a more positive attitude and I have had a good influx of friends (mostly guys) over the past few days.
Sunday I had a birthday party for my oldest daughter - she's 15 now. 3 more years... My kids have been making more friends in the new neighborhood and a couple with kids moved in next door last week. I'm hoping they will be friends too. I have been walking in the neighborhood for exercise and it's amazing how many people you meet when you just get out and trek around. It really is true that you make time for what is important to you, I am managing to exercise when I get home from work now so I don't go at 6 am when it's a struggle for me.
Today, I'm feeling run down and a little sick. I took a couple puffs off of cigarettes over the weekend and I'm telling myself this is the price - a throat lung ick that is making me miserable today. Really it's a bug that's going around but the friend I took the puffs from had it soooo...... Also, I talked to a personal trainer that said when doing the kind of low carb low cal thing I'm doing you need to eat whatever you want one day a week so I had pizza and cake at the party yesterday :D I am going to do the one day a week thing, I may not lose 45 lbs in 90 days but I will still lose some and I'll be diong it in a more healthy way that I may actually be able to sustain permanently. Progress not perfection right?
Still no drinking as of yet but that may change this weekend. I think my journey of self discovery is bringing me to the conclusion of everything in moderation... I am really working on what I see as my character flaws and other things I want to change or improve...
Patience (this is a biggie for me), Stop value judging (I'm pretty good with this but have a tendency to classify people when I first see them), Accepting no for an answer and dealing with disappointment (I have serious issues with this any suggestions are appreciated). Expectations of others and trying to "fix" people or their problems - this was one of the problems with the ex... I was turning into his mommy. Remembering people's names, building my conversation skills and being unafraid to approach people, there's more... Things are definitely improving so long as I have no expectations in any given situation and just be myself and be friendly. I am actually meeting people and making friends fairly easily for the first time in my life.
I still cry over the ex pretty much every day but only for a few minutes as opposed to only a few minutes of not crying in the beginning... :D I try not to be mad at myself for having such a hard time letting go of him but I want to let go with love not hatred and in the past I would have to turn myself against that person, think of all their negative qualities and make myself hate them to kill the love. It's hard to hold onto the love and still let go without bitterness and resentment creeping in.
I too have always carried the "I have to Fix people" bug...lol... Since I began My Journey to recovery I am slowly excepting that it truly isn't my place to do Their Inventory... I have accepted that they are their own person, and what ever is in store for them is between them and there HP...
As for Smokin... "Your Couple Puffs"... I quit smoking myself a little of 9 years ago... HOWEVER, I'm not sure how long you went without, BUT a couple weeks into my "Quit" I too became very sick, and it was nothing more the the smoke that i placed in my lungs for MANY Years, trying to fight its way back to the surface... It was really one of the more sicker times in my life, but I am glad i charged forward, and didn't pick them back up... For the sake of my Son more so then for myself... See I quit because he started to get allergy's and I didn't want my smoking to add to that... It wasn't easy, AT ALL... For I did it cold turkey, No pills, no Meds, just me and determination... For I just told myself I would NEVER buy another pack... And I didn't... I slipped One Time, for a breif weekend when I was out of town... and i have to say when I returned home, I was total asshamed of myself for allow myself to slip on such a Horrible Habit... So Glad I found the strength to lay them down for good...
I think it is wonderful that you are putting yourself out there and starting to enjoy life a little more... That is what we are here for is to LIVE... I envy you for goin out dancing and what not for that has always been a passion of mine... My Husband however is some what of a Fuddy Duddy and not much of a dancer for for me that happens about once a year...
You might end up throwing a lot of stuff off your lungs for a while, in addition when I packed them in, I found that I was more emotional than usual,cigarette smoking weakened me emotionally too to an extent, so don't put it all down to your ex as I think you're really doing better than you've ever done, its the first time the focus seems to be totally on your needs and what you want, which is inspiring. We all have to be able to build a life on our own to some extent, the helpless dependency I display and fear of abandonment have crippled me in the past.
