The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Boy have I been lost lately. Maybe not LOST but working through alot of things. I've been doing alot of inner child work and examination and I probably should have been doing this in conjunction with my sponsor BUT, I'm finding out ALOT about ME and my issues. I really belong in an ACOA group as well as Alanon but there is only one about 45 minutes from me. The more I work through and open doors, the more defects I begin to see - many of which were byproducts of my childhood. This weekend I became so overwhelmed by what a HUGE order my recovery entails. It is discouraging. I will keep slogging through BUT I just wanted to share that today it feels HARD and like nothing in my immediate world is changing.
I'm STILL grappling with my job - trying to decide whether it's my attitude that needs adjusting or the environment is just NOT good for me. I am LEARNING that Heather enjoys stress and dissatisfaction to some degree - not enjoy in the pleasure sense, but feel comfortable in chaos and confusion. I have so much toxic shame that I carry around with me and now that it's highlighted it seems like there is no way I can tackle it. I'm SEEING alot of the ways in which I use achievement and DOING to measure my worth instead of just simply knowing that BEING me is good enough.
I've also been examining my need to isolate alot lately. My job has me in contact with people constantly and on my off time I like to just tuck myself away for quiet time. But I am not really growing. I've been considering going after some of my dreams lately.
I guess is anyone can share any E,S&H on how they began tackling their ISSUES that are so deep rooted - it would be greatly appreciated.
I've heard it said, never go into dark places alone. That brings me to it's best to uncover and discover with your sponsors help. The things you are realizing are all items that can and will be worked through using the step 4 & 5. With their help I was able to better sort through different characteristics and label them differently then I would have alone. Things I used to survive in the past that no longer benefit me, things I thought were huge character flaws are actually assets when used properly.
Regarding the shut down after working all day in a customer related atmosphere is something I look at now for myself as "down time for renewal" and am not ashamed. I realize I deserve time to regather my sense of well being and calm and peace to begin a new day. It's help me tremendously learning the difference between selfishness and self care.
What I have found in the aspect of buying others love is the reality if it must be bought by things, then I'm not being true to myself. Self respect was more important to me then trading wealth for health.
I do think ongoing recovery is really hard work. I know for me I have to take it in bite size pieces. There is an ACA group here and certainly others online which might be a resource for you. I certainly have the issue of not having time to travel to meetings given my commitments.
I think its actually healthy for you to be questioning your life at the moment. I don't see that as a character defect at all. You are in change and of course everything is up in the air.
For me... I have had some of the very problems in my recovery that you have mentioned... I have found that when I keep my focus on the next step, It seems to help pull me thru it... I resently started my 4th step... I wrote down an ENTIRE Page of nothing but my Shortcomings, when i read it out loud to myself it was def. a kick in the gut and made me feel quite "Ugly & Useless", but I have since found that the more I open up those walls, face them head on, and then hand them over to HP I seem to move thru them better...
I Personally don't have a sponser, everytime I think a door opens up for one, then something is said to push me in another direction.. But I am not giving up... I am allow to have as many shortcomings as the next person for I am HUMAN and make Human Mistakes...
The things that I did in my past were not by any stretch appealing to others or to myself really... I was what some would call a wild child, to which i had not direction or guidence in my life so I did what EVER I Could to belittle ME and all around me... I was many labels in the eyes of many people, and most I would have to say were true...
I can now look back and except that I was an adolesent reaching out, but too ALOT of the Wrong People... I would party till the cows come home, and drink more then most could consume in a week...In One Night...I was tryin to live up to my Afathers Life style, and frankly i think I did it better then him for many years... And in that is 80% of my Short comings is from "THAT" time in my life... A Time when I was fighting All my Inner Demons and had no tools, or methods that "I" thought could make my life any better...
I except who I was then and by the Grace of God... I am NOT that person anymore... Its ok to look back and see what I did wrong and Why ... As I have been told here more times then not... "Its Ok to Look at Your Past... Just Don't Stare"... You may be just stuck in a "stare"... Give yourself a Break... I little time to breathe and find you something possitive that you Like to do, or haven't done in some time... Go Find something to enjoy, and remind yourself WHY You are Worth it...
I SOoooo Understand wanting to just Hide away in the house from the rest world... I tried it and all it did for me, was make it harder for me to get back out in the world when I was finally ready to come out of hiding...
You hang in there... Do what you can when you can, but Take Care of You :)
We seem so quick to note our faults and look at them with a magnifying glass. Some are convinced they need to do that to understand why they are like they are.
Personally, I don't need to. Even if I have it all figured out..then what? My focus is to move forward and change the defects I am aware of. I don't want to spend my time looking back and disecting them. For me, that just keeps me stuck in a place I don't care to be. I ask myself what I can do to change those thoughts or actions, then I make a conscious effort to do them. If we need to list our defects, we also should list our good qualities and focus on those too. Most of what we consider defects are self afflicted. Those thoughts may be the result of actions taken by others (like abuse) that may make someone think they are "less then". So we take that and hold on to it and over the years allow ourselves to believe it's who we are.
We have the ability to change our thought patterns and become who we want to be. I'm not saying that trauma in our lives doesn't affect us. I'm saying trauma does not have to invade us or "become" us. I refuse to be broken by anyone elses thoughts or deeds. I'm a work in progress like everyone else, but the operative word is "progress". I can't keep revisiting what someone did to me 10-15-30 yrs ago and use it to explain why I am like I am. That would mean I gave in, gave up and gave them the power to rule my world. "I" am the only one that has ever had that power. "I" choose how I feel, how I see others, how I react and act. My defects may have been brought on by others but they are my responsibility to change when I become aware of them.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My dear girl, what I did was, stop those negative thoughts in my head. I just said, stop and put in, YOu are ok just the way you are. It worked.
I NEVER say or mean bad things about me. Right now I have poison oak on my face to where my right eye lids and cheek are puffed like a bull frog! I had to go to town, thought, oh well I Have eyes and can see my beautiful mountains, blue sky and my white horse who rolled in the mud!
Hon we all have things we wish we could change. For me the best way was not to look back and pick myself apart, it was choosing health in every area. Be honest, be non critical, share, help others, Love everyone, maybe not their behavior but them as a person.
Eat healthy, work on my spiritual me, feed my soul, be in love with flowers, babies teenagers, homeless, rocks, trees.
Pay my bills, don't beat myself up if I get behind. Be kind to my relatives or whoever I may have hurt.
Just went on and became the person I wanted to be. Everything that needed worked on, was, with loving the me hp gave me.
I don't know if this will help.
YOU are very ok just how you are, maybe keep a journal, make goals like I will tell myself I am very happy. Or smile at people today, or make goals to go to New York if you want to.
Hugs, glad you are here, great share and subject. love,debilyn
You are not alone...