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Hi, I have a son who has now had 2 dui's in the last 7 months and has spent 3 weeks in jail so far. He is currently in rehab doing a 28 day program-which ends on Friday. My heart is broken and I can't "let go" of him. How do I let go? he is almost 21
<<<<<Momineed>>>>> I don't think we ever let our children go in our hearts, do we? It's all too easy for other people to say "let him go" - far harder to put it into practice! However, he does have to take responsibilty for his actions - you will always love him no matter what he does but he is no longer a child. You are not responsible for him. Let him know that while he will always be in your heart, he really does have to stand on his own 2 feet. Hopefully Rehab will have drummed that into him. Come and vent on here whenever you need to - here are friends who have been in similar situations and who will understand. Take care of yourself, now - you deserve it.
Letting go means many things. One meaning is to let go of the outcome. Let them feel the consequences of their actions. No sticking a pillow under their butt so they have a soft landing. No bailing them out of situations, no making excuses for them
Letting go can also mean letting go of any control you may think you have over the disease. We never let go of our love, but we soon learn that some of the things we did in the past were more harmful then helpful. Had we not "been there" for them, they may have hit bottom much sooner.
Feel free to love and support your son in every way, except for the involvement of his disease. Keep your eyes wide open.
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am new here myself, I am a mother of a 30 year old daughter. I am also new to this disease, I have so much to learn.Being new I can give you no advice but I offer you support. I'm sorry for the hurt you are feeling and I understand, my heart breaks tonight. Keep coming here and talking and maybe we'll get through this mess.
Thank you for your support and understanding. I realize deep down that I have been hanging on for too long, helping him out and always being there because that is what mom's are supposed to do. I didn't understand that letting go of the problem didn't mean I had to stop loving him. I know this is having a horrible effect on my other 2 kids and my husband-they are coping so well and I am not. Thank you for your kind words-that means so much. I will be back-because each day is going to be a learning curve. Thanks so much
Dear Mom, Please accept my hug to you ... My issues with my son are different that what you've outlined you're facing right now. Yet, it many ways they are the same. I've wanted to protect and care for my son, as I hear you do for yours. I've wanted to absorb the pain he feels and while I've wanted to share what I've learned -- I've learned it doesn't work that way; that way won't help him. I've found that I can love him unconditionally, but I can't live his life for him. Just as I've had to learn my own lessons, I need to have a very deep belief that he has a core of goodness and that when he is ready, he will find his own way. I believe that the best thing I can do is to get my own recovery well in hand, so that I am healthy at the point when he will reach out to me -- and then I need to have learned how to be there for him as a loving mother with boundaries that respect myself, and respect him. Figuring this out - figuring out how to actually do this, is the challenge. I have yet to find one book or one speaker or one anything that has a simple "How to" for this. I've found, going to meetings, sponsorship, listening, reading the literature, reading about boundaries, and learning how to take care of me ... over time I've come to a place where I can see that my progress will help me to know what I need to know when he is at the point of being receptive. I've found the courage to change myself, and I have to believe he will too, when he is ready. Sending you many hugs, etc, emma
Aloha Mom...He already is having trouble in his life that you had no choice about. You haven't caused his situation, cannot control it or cure it. (3 c's of Al-Anon). He is where he is because of what he has done so you have already not had a grip on him. You didn't get what you wanted. He got what he chose to do. You've already let go of him along time ago. One of the things I had to come to grips with on my alcoholic/addict son when he was drinking and using was that he didn't come with an owners manual and he wouldn't run how I tried to tune him. He was broke from drinking and using. My decision? don't drink and use with him, separate from him, ask him if he wanted a ride from the hospital, listen to him about how bad life was and how it was doing him a bad turn especially when he drank and used, explain to him that the police and highway patrol actually were hired to keep drunks and addicts off the highway and he shouldn't take it personal when they did their job and maybe make a decision to lock himself in one place when he decided to drink and use (hopefully by himself) and that when he found an open mind he could practice listening. He's been clean and sober for years now, owns his own business, and turns out is just as human as I am...not perfect.
Let go of your son so he can feel all the pain himself because in this disease the pain is a great healer. I use to counsel in a rehab and we never had extra rooms for "Moms" to stay over. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
