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I am sure that I have brought up the question before. How about your family of origin - parents, sibs, cousins? We are all in midlife so we have life experiences. Since my AHsober left and I told them that he wanted a divorce, it is like a dead silence. Well, except when they mention his name. Or that they saw him. Went golfing with him. Went to the game with him. And I walk in the room and it gets quiet. I truly am devastated by him leaving and living by myself for the past 4 years. No one says anything like how are you doing, can we help you with anything? Did I do something wrong like being the only one in my family who has mentioned divorce? It is like the pink elephant in the living room I guess. Everyone ignores it or me. Sometimes it is just so hard. Should I breech the subject? Hello family, this is not easy. I dunno. Time for a meeitng because I know that they will understand.
I am sure this is hard. I understand what you are going through as I have a similar situation. Many A's are master manipulators, especially the high functionings ones, they learn to be to keep on drinking like they want to and still have a life and keep things going.
They are very good at manipulating others into thinking they are wonderful and we, the spouses, are to blame for problems in the relationship. It is SO easy for others to fall into that trap of believing the hype that we are horrible shrews and they are charming victims of horrible nags, sigh. So, often "we" are the bad guys in a breakup and are sort of shunned, while they are embraced and comforted in the family unit.
I hope it is a comfort that we understand, even if your family does not. I have found that it is best to not say anything, they will eventually see through him, like we did. It is hard to keep up an act for long.
You say he is sober now? Is he a dry drunk? My husband is a dry drunk and worse than ever in so many ways. Now that he is sober he is seen as Mr. Absolutely WONDERFUL, and I am the nagging complainer just for trying to arrange an intervention for him when his doctor told him to quit drinking or die from liver damage.
Oh well, I stopped trying to get anyone to understand. I lam grateful that I UNDERSTAND now, and I get compassion and comfort here, as you will also .
My A has an older sister who has never married and lives on her own, quite close to us. She tends to live on her own little planet and whenever I try to bring up the problems her brother has she just changes the subject! Other family members live too far away or have their own problems and lives and really don't want to hear about mine.
When I got in recovery and decided to "shake" off the family dynamics of dysfunction and alcoholism and substance abuse, I became the "bad guy" the one who is the "traitor" of the family when I said "enough" of this - I want a better life and am going to do what I have to do to have it!
We all grew up with the insanity of alcoholism and absolutely insane behavior and so we perpetuated it by marrying it or just doing the same stuff, ourselves! I wanted a better life! I wanted to address my codependency and so I got into recovery after my split from my X AH!
They (siblings) turned on me except for 1 male and 1 female cousin. The rest of the family (siblings, cousins) avoid me because they know I am sharing all the family sickness in my recovery groups!
One brother was so angry at my "betrayal" he attacked me in a "hate letter" that was just unspeakable with hate and insults to me! So, I had to walk away from all but these 2 loving cousins and their grown children who love me! It is sad! I knew that there would be sacrifices, but I didn't realize that my family (siblings) who really didn't like me anyway, would turn to hating and insulting me! It just goes to show what a joke my family of origin "life" was!
They want to stay sick, I guess! I do not! I chose recovery! I had to let them go! Detach from them! Noone is worth my recovery and I do not want to keep these low self esteem patterns that say I only deserve to be miserable! I want out of the dysfunctional merry go round and if everyone leaves me? Than so be it! I did what was right by me!
Yes, it hurt but I would rather suffer the shorter term hurt of living in the truth - Did I really want attackers anyway? Non supporters? I think the old saying "you know who your friends are when you are really down" came true for me here! The real supporters stayed by my side! The non supporters came against me! I am better off without them and making my own family of choice! That is what my cousin is doing (she married dry drunk who was abusive and divorced him a couple of years before I divorced my AH) - We both stuck together! The others, I bless them and I make my own way now.
I am in recovery - So is my beloved cousin - I give thanks for that! That I have a couple of family members who stuck with me - The others, I don't think of hardly at all anymore, after almost 8 years in recovery now, my heart has changed! I no longer accept bad treatment - I cannot "make them see the light" - They have to find it on their own! I have walked away into a more serene life!
I know one thing for sure! I can only change me and I am doing that and I can see the better life now! The people in my life now are healthy and supportive as I am with them!
I hope my story helped you,
Neshema
-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 20th of September 2009 11:14:41 AM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I don't understand divorce however I do get the missing him and walking into a room and everyone silent...after hub passed I felt that a lot...actually everyone acted like I should just get over it as quickly as it happened.
It takes time to heal, for our hearts to mend....Just keep doing what you are doing...It's just like living with addiction until you have done it you don't understand it.
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