The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My lovely AH who after 5 days in detox, 30 days in an IOP, nearly 2 months of active sobriety, and $2000 out of pocket expenses for what insurance would not cover for his treatment announced to me last week that he has resumed drinking, and wants to see if he can "drink socially." His plan is not to drink around me or our kids and not to drink at home (huh? this sounds like drinking and driving). He doesn't get it that the issue is what happens to him after he starts drinking--when he is under the influence of alcohol, not actually putting the glass or bottle up to his mouth! I don't want to be around him if he is under the influence at all. He shared this with me the night before I was supposed to go with him as a "sober support" on a business trip (his words when he asked me to go back in June). I cancelled my flight and did not go, since supporting sobriety clearly wasn't my role any longer--I needed peace and this was the only way I could get it, to be away from him. Plus, there was no way I was going to be away from home and around him while he was going to be drinking. The 5 days really did me good--f2f meetings and lots of reading of lit and these boards.
He's back now and did attend an AA meeting last night. He admits that he is struggling and does not know what to do. We cannot finish a conversation on this, because it always gets heated. Today we met for lunch and in our discussion, he said he wouldn't drink anymore, but would not be going to AA at all...then he got up, walked out, and left the restaurant -- and we have barely spoken since. I don't know if he was drinking tonight as I was at a school function with my kids all evening and he was going to bed when we got home. Prior to the exit at the restaurant, I shared with him that I am working on
1. Not trying to control him (because I can't), but to give him space to make his own choices about what he thinks he needs to do and
2. Full acceptance of who he is, where he is without wishing he were different or that he would do what I want him to do
To me, however, if he makes choices that are not OK with me (i.e. continuing to drink and to subsequently treat me badly, embarrass my kids and me in public, etc.) then I have a choice of whether to stay with him or not. I cannot change him, I cannot control him, so basically, if I don't like it, I need to change my perceptions, or leave. Am I doing this right? Am I accurate in my thinking, or too black and white? I'm having a very difficult time knowing my next move, or how I should interact with him. We do silence and pouting really well, and I find the drama and the chaos exhausting. Emotionally and mentally I am doing well with detachment (at least I think I am!) but how do I act toward him? I tried to act "normal" tonight, and he was short and very terse with me.
Thanks for letting me blab...any ESH or constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
If you are doing what you say you're doing HIP HIP Hoorah!! You're doing marvelous and you are not doing normal. Normal in alcoholism is abnormal to the max to most other people. Do program and continue to do program.
He is a victim of the disease also and solutions will come from outside of you and he...that is why we get sponsors. One of the reason for that is that the alcoholic or the spouse of the alcoholic have no idea at all how to live within and around the disease without lots of help and a very good sponsor.
You cannot be his sponsor and your program responses to him in the restaurant were really good and courageous...Don't expect him to buy into it because he really wants the enabler there with him not the victim that is recovering.
Go hook up with your HP which isn't your alcoholic anymore.
K, keep working it. Sadly, you will not ever get a quick fix for this disease... it is chronic and never goes away. Keep learning how to focus on yourself and take care of yourself. It is an art. I recently posted and got some awesome feedback... read "It sneaks back." My AH tried the "test" for himself, too.... after 20+ years in AA... he said, "Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic?" Ha!! Can you believe it? Accept and listen to what the really experienced folks say here.... work the steps. Love and peace.
-- Edited by db55 on Saturday 19th of September 2009 11:12:45 AM
Sounds to me like you are working your program, that is a good thing...keep up the good work.
As far as the ignoring each other that never seemed to work for me....it just pizzed me off...lol
I think you can talk about other things in your life like the kids and groceries etc....just maybe for awhile leave his program to him...sounds like he is lost and trying to rationalize this disease....however that is the disease talking there is no sense to alcoholism except to stay sober or continue to be sick......remember you can not fix or solve this problem for him....he is own his own with AA.......
Some books that have been really helpful to me are the Getting Them Sober books. They show how predictable the A's are. I have been going to AA meetings mainly because there are no Alanon meetings in my area. When the A's start their BS and rationalizing their behavior other sober A's are magnificent at confronting them. Because they have been there. Work your program; keep the focus on you and your kids.
