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Ok, yet another crisis. I swear, even with AH off at rehab I am not getting peace. If you read my previous posts, AH has threatened to leave rehab I think 3 times now. Well, today it seems he is really going. His brother is on the way to pick him up now (he is in another state). He says he is going to get a hotel room and fly home tomorrow. I have not spoke to him directly since this latest crisis, I'm sure I will hear from him soon.
I am so tore up right now. I know everything Al-Anon says and it has flown straight out the window as soon as I found out what he is doing. How do I handle this? My stomach is in a knot and a half. I am so frustrated with him I cannot see straight. The latest reason was because they put a roommate in with him. All I can do is question the committment someone has to sobriety if something like that is the final straw. I don't know how I am going to face him tomorrow and pretend to be all happy that he has returned to grace us with his presence after being gone for 4 weeks (three of them spent in rehab) when all I can think about is how sad, mad, and utterly dissappointed I am.
I know in my head that I should probably wait to see what he is like, will he go to meetings, how he behaves, etc. before I jump to the conclusion that this will not work out since he left rehab. I mean, if the end result is continued sobriety then how he got there is irrelevent, right? But someone please talk me off the ledge about how I should go about dealing with him right now when I am so piss***d off I could spit.
I so need to Let Go and Let God, but right now I am so far from that!
I havn't read your older posts... one thing you can always count on is that life based on the behavior of an alcoholic will be pure chaos... however, you made some great arguments to yourself.
"I know in my head that I should probably wait to see what he is like, will he go to meetings, how he behaves, etc. before I jump to the conclusion that this will not work out since he left rehab. " .... very true, for what other choice do you have.
I am not sure you have to pretend to be happy at all... you can focus on what ever it is that you need to do for yourself. And what he decides to do about his drinking is really up to him.
That was the hardest part of living with an active alcoholic for me, was trying to make sense of all the nonsense of why they drink. He will either drink or not, weather its 3 weeks of rehab or 3 years of rehab. He will have to make that decission every day for the rest of his life.
I know I can't give you that peace that you are looking for, but its wonderful that you are reaching out here. If there is a local face to face group to go talk to, I would sure do it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...
Take care of you!
- ron
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
If he wants to leave rehab not one thing you can do....In my opinion he just doesn't want to get clean.....seems to me like he has been holding this over your head, the threat of leaving rehab...
Please try and remember his recovery is totally on him, try and act like you do not give one shat even though I know you are hurting....he does not need to know that this has affected you, I don't think it would be wrong to let him know you are disappointed and that his recovery is his...my opinion.
Please keep getting help for you keep coming, going to meetings, keep posting, darlin girl there is nothing absolutely nothing you can do to get him clean, trust me on this one I tried it all, if we could get someone clean my husband would be sitting here right now instead of dying....I begged pleaded threatened for years....it would work for a short while then bam the other shoe would drop.
Please try and remember this is a disease, love has absolutely nothing to do with sobriety.
A person has to want sobriety above all else in the world for it to work and if he doesn't want it, it will not happen.
I am so sorry that your heart is breaking, I will keep you in my prayers. The most important thing to remember is you can get well even if he is still sick
"The latest reason was because they put a roommate in with him. All I can do is question the committment someone has to sobriety if something like that is the final straw."
I always found that my exaH was never at a loss of excuses as to why he didn't have to do or couldn't do a, b, or c. No amount of my anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, stomach acid could make him do a, b or c either.
All I can control is me. ME. If I feel disappointed, then I feel disappointed. If I feel sad. Then I feel sad. If I feel hurt, then I feel hurt. I always felt like I should be trying to change my aH, so that I didn't have to feel so awful all the time. No amount of badgering, belittling or trying to make my exaH feel guilty ever worked to change his behaviour. When I hit my rock bottom ... I realized I needed to change me. I've been making different decisions and choices that are more consistent with the direction I want to head.
Progress, not perfection...
Rora
-- Edited by Rora on Friday 18th of September 2009 02:48:41 PM
He will do what he will do. Why not do something for yourself? I have been in your position, where my A was threatening to leave rehab because they were not giving him enough medication to ease his withdrawl. I was up in arms about it. At the time I was still in school. I couldn't function in class. I vividly remembering feelin so blurry-eyed insane that I was ranting and raving like a lunatic, in the school bathroom shaking and psycho dialing his mother, stepmother, father, sister, etc. and freaking out to them about what he was doing to me. I slowly came to realize that he will get sober when he is good and ready to get sober and not a moment sooner. Nothing I do is going to invite his recovery. The BEST thing I can ever do for him is to learn to take care of me, that way I will no longer participate in his chaos and insanity. I also had to begin to accept the fact that this may not be HIS time to get his act together. He may not do it in my time frame. So much of my trying to control my A has been selfish in a sense, because I wanted us to have the life I dreamed of. I needed him to be the man I so desperately wanted/knew he could be. I had to realize that I did not get to choose when he or IF he hit his bottom. I had to get busy taking care of me because by that point I had lost total control of my life. I could not function. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I did not have a life. He seemed to breathe life into me. I was obsessed with his behavior and addicted to trying to HELP him. When he was doing well, I was well and functioning. When he was out of control and out on a binge, I was a psychopath unable to exist in the present moment unless I knew where he was, what he was doing etc.
Sometimes I felt so crazy - my thoughts were so out of whack and beyond anything realistic that all I could do was move my body to a meeting. I wasn't even able to think about it. IF I stopped to think and made a concious decision I knew I wouldnt' go. Sometimes I just grabbed my purse and went out the door to a meeting before I could make any other decision or give it thought. The rooms calmed me. That is how powerful they are for me. It's going to be ok. There are meetings here. When we become committed to lessening our pain. When we are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, we will be willing to find a new way. You're never alone!
I just wanted to say I too have read your previous posts and feel as if I had written them. Constant calls from rehab, leaving early etc are all part of living with this disease. I am glad you found alanon so that you know you are not alone!!!
Focus on yourself and your serenity. Read the literature, post here do not project and get to meetings. This will help you to stay sane and that is what we are doing here in alanon - learing how to take care of ourselves if the A drinks or not!!
Please take care of yourself.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 18th of September 2009 10:51:01 PM
how typical blaming others for our own poor judgement choices and decisions...
well, he's gonna do what he's gonna do...what are you going to do to remain sane? Meetings have helped many, reading literature, calling Alanon friends and connecting with your sponsor.
all we are ever expected to do is our best under any circumstances.
I hope you have considered some boundaries for yourself while he's been gone, what you are willing to tolerate and what you will not...and for those things not tolerated, do you have plan of action?
When there is a plan it is much less stressful because you know what you will do.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
